Married 26 years - scared of whats out there - he drinks a bit - I don't love him like I used to......?

Question

What more can I say. I don't know how to meet other people, and he can be an *** - so I don't have single friends to do anything with. I know waa waa waa. I am so frustrated

Answer 1

I too, live in Las Vegas, and I am well aware of this cities propensity for all the vices anyone could ever want. A 24/7 town such as Vegas, is unlike any other place in the country, maybe the world.
When you mention "he drinks a bit", I can relate completely, but are you being accurate by a "bit"? In this town, the gambling, the drugs, the sex industry, the free booze, it sometime amazes me how people last as long as they do living here with the tempations such as they are.
I also have been married a long time, 33 yrs and I suffer in much the same as you. I too, know what frustration feels like when I watch my spouse throw away our future by prescription drugs.
Sometimes, I wonder as well about how I love my spouse, but then I remember the person they used to be and what they stood for, in what seems like so long ago.
My situation is the reality of doctors and their love of writing prescriptions. The reality of serious medical problems are real in my world but at some point along the way, and over the last 5-7 yrs the medical issues have taken a back seat to the addiction and abuse of prescription pain killers.
The realization came over time, as I am sure yours has that I have somehow become the enemy, and that reflection of love, caring and nurturing that I once saw has now been replaced by a fog, with hopeful promise of clearing that seems to dwindle with each passing day. As I sit and watch my spouse whose real medical issues are being reduced to confusion and ignorance, I often wonder if my love has changed. Then I realize that the love remains, it is the demon of addiction that I have learned to hate.
It is a difficult road, not just for us, as spouses, but for the loss of our loved ones to an enemy only they can see, feel and fight when and if they choose.
It becomes obvious when the doctors appointments to treat, test and idenfity become secondary to the ones who will provide the much needed drug. Like alcohol, it absorbs into the very fabric of your life, and with each breath taken it shortens everyone's goals and dreams.
To be a spouse to someone whose addiction has taken control, you learn very quickly that to fight something you can't see, hear, feel or touch becomes moot. It is not like competing with another in an affair situation, for with that at least you can learn of your competitions weakness and strenghts. With addiction, it is impossible.
In 33 yrs of normal up's and downs, I have admittedly lost what I thought were both of our hopes and dreams and have become the enemy. I am seen through a haze of deliberation and malice, no longer trusted and respected, for my replacement is Oxycontin.
I do not believe that my spouse set out on this dead end journey, I know that to be the truth. The pain was real, the diagnosis was haphazard, the treatement, easy. Over time, it became all encompassing, treat the pain with more pills, and before long the doctors began to only treat the addiction,. Acknowledging this was difficult, but to watch someone whom you have loved for so long, sit on a sofa, so stoned that to hold their head up was the equivalent of lifting a mac truck, is truly heartbreaking. When holding a cigarette becomes a chore, with the excuse that "lack of sleep" is catching up with me, is a realization of pending doom.
With logic, a person rationalizes a medical condition and promotes a standard that supports improvement. Not being able to sleep would preclude avoiding caffine/coffee at 10 at night, but to someone who watches the clock, simply waiting for a "respectible time" to take the next pill, staying awake is required. Even when the pain is tolarable, taking the next pill simply as the directions require defeats the purpose. I understand completely the need to maintain a level of pain killer in the blood, not letting it drop to low, avoiding withdrawls and pain. But, as with alcohol, it is demanded to the point of irrational and often willful disregard for it's consequences. The forgetfulness, the paranoia, the uncertainity, the dis-trust.
So, scared of what's out there, no. Scared of what's in front of me, absolutly. I can face what I can see, feel, hear and touch, but I can't fight or deal with the invisablity of addictin and abuse. I may lose one of the most precious things in my life, as you may. But understand, that what you have lost in love has only been replaced by another, more intoxicating presence in your spouses life; for you alcohol for me Oxycontin.
I find myself praying more each day, that I not come home, or walk into the bedroom during the more frequent, "naps' finding my life dead, resting on a pillow, cat curled next to my spouse. I panic when I am unable to reach my spouse at a prearraged phone call, and I panic when I think of what to tell our kids, what will they think, how can I explain this to them?
Then, all is ok and I can allow myself to breathe another day, until the next time, or the next, until one day, the medical problems take the final backseat.
But, as it is probably with you, I am now the one to watch, hide from and lie to, I am the enemy who dares to speak what they know to be the truth, for to disrespect what is needed is disrespecting them, it's personal. Funny, how ironic that is, just ask my nemesis, Oxycontin.
Friends, we had them, but as time goes by, and the paranoia and negativity of life increases the more distant they become. The unfulfilled promises, the goals, dreams and hopes seem to come and go depending on the supply, but they don't materialize, they can't, Oxycontin won't allow it, for that would be too far from the wonderful doctor who likes to write prescriptions.
I love my spouse, always have always will. Until death do us part is the vow I took. I pray with every fiber of my being it will be a long way off, but logical reasoning, and a physical body may dash my hopes like the sun emiting it's final ray's before burning out.
You must believe in yourself, that you too, can change your life. I have come to the realization that I must be steadfast and refuse to allow my spouse to entice me into being the co-dependant. As a result, I must find my way from the darkness of hate before it consumes me and I will continue to struggle against my spouse's new best friend. I will not allow it to rule me anymore without a fight, it is just not who I am.
A loving and caring person with a great sense of humor, a sense of fairness with the world, who made a difference still exsists in there, for every once in a while, it still shines, even if only for a moment until I once again become the one who must mean other that what is obvious but surely with the now ever present ulterior motive.
No doubt, and with you as well, watching the destruction of substance abuse wither away all self respect to someone you have spent your life with, it is no wonder that you question how your feelings may have changed. I hope you understand the difference of loving the person and hating the things that now control them.
Good luck to you, maybe we will speak someday. I hope it won't be a result of sadness.

Answer 2

After 26 years he has become comfortable with you and he is neglecting you as I have neglected my wife, she left me a few days ago. I love her and so realize how wrong I was. You don't love him like you used to because he probably is not having sex with you, drinking watching TV and just not paying attention to you. You must love him to be with him for 26 years. The question is do you want to try and work it out or see what else is out there. Me being a man and just lost my best friend of 12+ years[my wife] to neglect, I may be a little bias but I will try and not be. I would want my wife to try and work it out because I love her so much. You need to get your husbands attention some kind a way. One is to get him to stop drinking or slow down. I don't know if he is the dominant one or you or it is equal. If you can reason with him, try to get him to pay more attention to you, do you have free time to go out where his attention will be focused on you? If you stay at home he will drink and watch TV until he is tired and not pay attention to you. You are lacking his attention and maybe sex too. That is why you are not as in love with him as you were 25 years ago. As a last resort, before leaving him try therapy. Try anything before breaking up. Breaking up is not easy on either party and could lead to many hurt people and a long drawn out process especially after so many years together but you deserve to be happy either way. I lost my wife and I hope she will come back, I have learned my lesson and I'm scared straight and will love her and give her my upmost attention. I do not want to endure this kind of pain ever again in my life. Good luck and I wish a speedy end to your frustration.

Answer 3

Been there. Especially if you don't have a job it's hard to meet new people. Get some training then get a job. Take your time and be discreet. You say he drinks a bit. I don't know what that means. Make sure you mean to have a permanent change before you leave. And make sure you have somewhere to go and means to live on. Go to book stores, music stores. Converse with people but, be careful! Don't get into any cars. Take your time.

Answer 4

Predicament... bummer. What is there to say? I'm not sure if you want to leave him or not. I understand that you're afraid to get back out into the world alone, but that's not what I'm getting at. Do you want to leave him or not? Does he drink too much or is he a social drinker? Can't really tell by what you've told us. If he drinks too much. Address this issue. Try to get him to ease up on it. If you don't love him, and it's been like this for a long while, no need to just up and leave him. Tell him you want to rebuild your relationship. You don't have to spell it all out to him as it may be hurtful to start off telling him you don't love him. Now, if you don't want to do all this and you just want to leave him, then just do it. Is it worse to be in a love less relationship with someone who drinks too much or worse to be out there on your own looking for new love? I say it's worse with the love less relationship, what do you say?

Answer 5

if you don't love him anymore why do u stay with him?try to go out no matter where and someday u will find new friends.
i did this too and now i'm so happy i did it.u can meet good people
don't build a cage arround u,it's not good for you.try to think about youre self more than u did and you'll see that it's feels good.
leave youre husbant alone in hes own life.

Answer 6

Sounds like you are out of LOVE.
Need to go to the Dr. Phil
web sight and get tips on how to fall back in love.
Only the change can come from witin you.
If you have tried
everything possible to make it work,
then you have your answer.

Answer 7

me to married 16 yrs and now im falling out of love too. but i now have met a few friends and i started by helping senior citizens, like cleaning there homes takin them shopping and wow i have met some great people thru my friends the sen. cit.and eventually i will either walk out of this marriage or time will show me. good luck.

Answer 8

Dear married, I walk with you through this trial. I'm myself dealth with someone like your dealing with, Don't pull your hair feeling frustrated with yourself. If you work, why not hang out with co-workers?if he don't like it, then tell him to spend time with you, not with his bottle..I just hope you don't decide to have a child with this man yet ,tell he change! If you have a way to get in to our page ..find me on yahoo 360 page. I have alot a friend you can find, just add all you want .. Hope to see you there.My Id is maldi38.. see you there!

Answer 9

YOU NEED TO SET DOWN AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT / AND YOU ARE RIGHT -AFTER A LOT OF YEARS WE DON'T FEEL ,THE SAME ABOUT THEM .I WAS MARRIED FOR A LONG TIME.. THEN DIVORCED FOR 10 YEARS .AND YOU ARE RIGHT ITS SCARIE. I CAN ONLY SAY . BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR . BECAUSE YOU MIGHT GET IT . BEING HAPPY DOESN'T MEAN EVERY THING IS PERFECT.

Answer 10

Umm... you need to not be so selfish and tell him how you feel before you go ******* around. If I were him I would knock your teeth down the back of your throat.

Answer 11

hi my name is Nicole .i uset to worry when my husband would go out with his Friends because they drink. and he doesn't then one day the lord told me don't i believe in the prayer that i pray for my husband and family. and i thought and the answer was yes.if you believe in god and trust him trust him with your life and husband life .my husband did;t believe in god really but the more i prayed he saved him i know how you fell i didn't want to love any more either but i know that was the devil submit your heart to Christ and he will teach you how to love again.trust me i had to learn that see we are living in the last days and the devil's is triyng to break up families and marriage. i will pray with you if you want to