He cheated is it possible to work this out?

Question

My husband had on ongoing affair and several one night stands. I want to hate him but I love him to much to just give up on the 12 years we have been together. There are kids to think about also. It has been a month since I found out we have been to counseling. I feel like he can't move on that he can't let go of his guilt. I mean how can I forgive him if he can't forgive himself. He is here in the house with me we sleep in the same bed but he seems so far away it is like there is an invisible wall between us. I want this to work but I don't know what to do. If anyone has been in this situation your advise would be appreciated.

Answer 1

Of course it is possible to work this out, but don't think for one second it is going to be easy. The one night stands, well, that's just sex, but the ongoing affair, that is going to be issue you will face the hardest.
On going means emotional, and that equates to an attachment that trancends sex.
As a result, it is apparent from what you wrote that you are giving him way more credit than he deserves on this one. You say he can't let go of "his guilt", no, that's not what it is with the "affair". It is highly likely that is true about the one night stands, but not that part. It is also highly likely that the reason it appears like an invisiable wall between you is because there is, and it has her name on it.
He needs to decide who he wants, plain and simple, and you need to let him to just that. You and your kids deserve to be put first, not playing second fiddle to anyone. That is exactly what your doing.
You also must understand that the difference between forgiving and forgeting are worlds apart. Nor you, or he will ever truly forget, but to forgive means that you are both willing to accept accountability for the problems in your marriage. This too, is hard to do, but it is absolutly necessary if you want to move forward as a couple.
Right now, both of you appear to be together for a variety of reasons, except the one that truly counts; love.
I am not saying it's not there, quite the contrary, but it is certainly not at the top of the list.
Just as you mention, there are kids to think about. Don't think your the only "parent" in this relationship. He too, is thinking about the kids.
But, kids are wise, and you need to give them credit for that.
He needs to leave, he really does. That is the only way he will know who he wants to remain with, and why. It is also the only way your going to know if you and your marriage is number 1, or if your playing second to his life. Staying there, lying in bed with you, your not competing, your clinging to him, don't.
I am also not talking about divorce either. I am talking about him moving out, giving him time and space to make his decision. Is it going to be hard on your kids? No, not any harder than it is for them now, playing this game your in. They know something isn't right, don't kid yourself.
Be civil, be adults, be mature, be ready. It is entirely possible that he may choose you, or he may not, but he can't decide when everything around him plays on his guilt. Guilt is an overwhelming emotion, especially after 12 yrs of marriage.
Take the guilt away (you and the kids, figurtively speaking) then, and only then can he make his decision.
Now, for you....
During this time, you have to decide how much you want to work on this marriage and your shortcomings to the relationship. You too, may decide that you have had enough, and that you want out, or that you are willing to work on yourself so that the two of you can work on your marriage.
It is very difficult to deal with infidelity of an affair with the emotional attachment that comes with it. But, I assure you, that you can if this is what BOTH of you want to do.
Right now, the only thing you know for sure is that he is home with you and the kids, physically present, so to speak. You do not know where he is emotionally. Let him go find out.
Good luck. Sometimes even the darkest clouds produce the brightest rainbows.

Answer 2

Its pretty hard to be in a relationship where your significant other is cheating on you. You can always forgive but you can't forget. In the back of your mind you will always be wondering if he is running late because he is working or because he is out with her. Then there is the intimacy issue. Is he protecting you by protecting himself with condoms? You can't stay with someone because of the kids. I have seen too many kids suffer when the parents are in situations such as divorce and affairs. No man is worth the stress and strain you are going through. It's best that you help your kids by thinking of yourself and move on with your life. Love is never easy no matter if you've been together 1 year or 12. Surround yourself around friends and family that love you. Talk to your counselor, pastor/priest, somebody. Just don't keep it to yourself. You don't want all this anger and hurt to build up inside and do or say something that may hurt yourself or someone you love. Words hurt as much as actions. Good luck, God Bless and you'll be in my prayers!!

Answer 3

It is possible to work it out. But only if you truly want to. If you feel like you are not capable of forgetting about him cheating on you and you constantly bring it up, then no it won't work that way. Because then that becomes the definition of the relationship. Personally, I couldn't do it because every time I looked at him, every time I kiss him I would think about it. But if you are strong enough to look over that then I tip my hat off to you. Also another thing you should know is that, just because he cheated on you does NOT mean he does not love you; that's a big misconception. However at the same time it doesn't mean you have to stick around and deal with it. Truly the choice is yours because your gonna follow your heart in the end anyway. I hope you pray and get the right decision. I know you have kids and you wanna build a foundation but you never want to force it because that's worse and the end result could become more than you bargained for.

Answer 4

How do you forgive him if he can't let go of his guilt?? Your joking right?!? Your validating his feelings? HHmmm.... he's had an ongoing affair, and several one night stands?? It doesn't sound like guilt is a real problem for him! What qualities do you love about him?? His fidelity? Integrity? Loyalty? Intimacy? Honor??? I would suggest finding some respect for yourself and then find a man who also shares that respect for you. He's "far away" because he has already checked out of your marriage. It sounds like he is there because of obligation, and not desire. And yes.....I have been there. My Husband cheated, (we also have children) and I had a lawyer within 48 hrs. Now I also have the house, the car..........

Answer 5

Okay, you have some serious issues to deal with, the most important one is your children's health and well being. Get some therapy for your children now. You may think they know nothing of his drug use or cheating, but little ears have great hearing.

You have to get real. You have kids and a drug user in the same house. He has to go for treatment for that before you two can even begin to work on the cheating issue.

You will need lots of therapy to learn to trust again and even then, you won't ever totally trust him.

I have seen the end results of no counseling. I have witnessed a relative stand by her husband of 34 years through drugs and women. She never would go for help for her and the kids to deal. Cut to 10 years later (after the first incident of cheating and drugs),and you have her drinking til she passes out, two duis, a pregnant teen girl on drugs, a male teen that has no respect for his mother or any woman because she showed him it was okay for daddy to do whatever he wanted with no thought to her feelings, her husband leaving her penniless and homeless for another woman with kids to start a new family. Not to mention the other teen daughter on drugs and living on someones couch rather than be near either parent.

It's a tough situation for you and I feel for you, but please get the kids help first, and give him the ultimatum 'rehab and therapy or leave'. (keep in mind he says he's been clean 6 months, but he also said he loved only you and was only with you and wasnt cheating). Cheaters and drug users lie and you need to be real about it.

Your kids will survive either way but help means the difference between just surviving or really thriving.

Answer 6

I know how you are feeling, forgiveness is a big part of marriage That's not good that he is acting in this way the two of you need to talk it out and regain the trust back. Try to make sure it is not confrontational and also be prepared for a defensive response at first. Tell him you really want to understand and whatever you do stay calm and unemotional. If you get emotional it will turn into a fight. You will have to get the trust back in your marriage and heal the hurt of unfaithfulness together. Don't beat yourself up! Good luck!

Answer 7

No, it truly is not. the reason why is because God meant marriage to be between one guy and one female. (Genesis 2:18-25) contained in the Bible, he did at circumstances enable adult men to take more desirable than one spouse besides the very undeniable reality that that wasn't his objective, yet even as Jesus got here to the earth, he restored the commonly used for marriage, and his disciples subsidized him up. (Matthew 19:3-9; a million Corinthians 7:2) so some distance as being married to at least one human being, yet having sex with people, the Bible calls that adultery and says that's inaccurate, even if the different mate consents to it or no longer. (Matthew 5:27-30) someone can imagine that this command is old in the adventure that they prefer, besides the undeniable fact that the expertise contained in the Bible will continuously be effective, and such someone might want to quickly be apologetic about the comprehensive ingredient in the adventure that that they had an open marriage. besides, actual stay between a guy and female might want to on the spot them to Erik out their sex issues, hotline introduce someone new to the equation. (a million Corinthians 13: 4-8)

Answer 8

I am honestly sorry.. I understand you want to stay together for the kids and you love him.. but whats to say that he won't do this again? I still have a hard time understanding how someone can get married and tell someone they love them and sleep with someone else. I can't give you a strait answer just an opinion. Do what makes yourself happy, and what is good for the kids.

Answer 9

Well your husband is more selfish than you are and he needs a real transformation. The kids need your marriage to work. Multiple affairs is an extremely difficult problem. This is going to take a while, and he needs to look deep within, Get over his selfishness and put his family first. Oh it can be done-but it will be a lot of work. You are way more devoted than what most women would be. I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 10

You said "There are kids to think about also".

What do you want them to learn? That it is okay to betray your wife and family? For your sons to learn it is okay to do it and your daughters to learn that they must not have any worth, that women are to accept it?

Honestly, once a cheater, always a cheater. You will never be able to trust this man again. Ever.

Is that a marriage?

Your marriage is already over, whether you acknowledge it and make the legal arrangement or not.

You go and get some counseling for yourself to help you strengthen yourself and get through this...but you need to make the arrangements and go. This will never be a real marriage again.

Be strong, get the counseling, and end this.