My significant other has told me his children who are adults do not like me. Should I care?

Question

He and I have been pretty steady now for the last 4+ years and his kids move home and live with him and do not pay rent or help with bills. They bring the whole family and act like slobs and take over the whole house. I am talking crappy diapers down the side of the couch, cheese smashed into the carpet. dirty dishes covering every inch of the counter. His 25 yr old daughter doesnt have a job and doesnt intend to get one. She claims to be a "housewife". I think he is being taken advantage of and cannot understand why these kids dont move in with their mother. Actually, I think she is on to them and their mooching ways. I told the daughter she needs to get a job and get on down the road. It went over like a lead balloon. Am I the only one who can see this?
My significant other has big health problems and nearly died. I really saved his life literally 2 times. He works non stop because he thinks he needs to take care of these adult moochers.
Should I just shut up?

Oh, I forgot to say. I do not intend to marry him until these kids can take care of themselves. I do not intend to support his grown kids and their spouses.

Answer 1

wow sounds like a huge mess to me but the thing is i have 4 kids 3 that are adults and from time to time they have moved in and out of my home my oldest has 2 children and they came with their dad on the last trip and i have to admit when they are here i kick right back into mommy mode doing the cooking cleaning laundry and picking up after them i am in a long term relationship and when all the boys are here and i am running myself into the ground this is very upsetting to my partner but she would never think to tell one of my children to hit the road that would be a huge mistake i am their mom and love them with out strings attached i admit the diaper in the couch thing would set me off but like i said i am their parent and if someone is going to tell them to straighten up and fly right it will be me and most likely your man thinks this is normal for his kids adult or not you dont say if you have children,as for you caring if they like you i would almost bet they do not and they might be trying to be rid of you i dont think it matters if you shut up or not there is nobody listening moochers or their father as for you telling him you will not marry him untill this changes and you say its been 4 years do you think if he wanted to marry you he might have solved the problem by now?i think you are wasting time move on

Answer 2

Talk more carefully and honestly to the significant other. Chances are he's not going to listen, but you seem to be the only one in that house that loves him, so try anyway.

My 30 year old daughter had lived with me for a couple of years, always promising to get a job, or even half-assedly trying a few times. Nothing ever phased her, until the day in January I took her aside and said "Okay, this is it. I just can not afford to keep you any more. I don't have any more money that can be spent on you and your son. It is time that YOU learned to support him, not me." And I gave her a week to get a job, or get out of the house.

Well, she had her job. And after one day she tried to tell me that she couldn't go back there, because the job made her really sore, and it was JUST TOO HARD! I told her flat out that if she quit, she'd be out the door the next day.

She's been working for that company for 8 months now. And she told me a couple of months ago that she wouldn't quit, even if we won the lottery.

So there is hope, even for long term deadbeats. Your man friend just needs to get really determined with his kids. And he needs to learn how to follow through on his threats.

Answer 3

It is time for them to hit the road, and he has to stop ENABLING them. Talk to him, tell him to stop supporting them outside of the basics. Let them have a taste of real life, where u can not come running to daddy when u get in a jam. He probably supports their habits, like going out, eating fast food and anything else that is not important. Tell him to stop. Maybe even restrict them from certain rooms in the house. For example since they do not want to clean up after themselves, tell them they are not allowed in the living room, if u catch them in there put them out. Tell them do not eat off of the dishes unless they bought them, same with the cups and even the food. Believe me i know this sounds cruel but sometimes children need that TOUGH LOVE 2 get the picture. Tell him that this can also be a strain on his health, because they are causing him too much STRESS. I know that he loves his kids and it is obvious that u do too, but if the two of u r even thinking about marriage then he needs to take your feelings and view into consideration. All u want to do is help them to be independent which they will not be if he keeps allowing them to mistreat the both of u.

Answer 4

Please don't take offense, but he is a doormat to his kids. No, you should not worry about whether or not they like you. You hit the nail on the head, they are mooching him to death. But I think you are telling the wrong ones. Yes, the grown "kids" need to get jobs and move out. But your significant other has a choice to make. He can either make some ground rules for them all to follow, or they can move out. My mother (RIP) had rules. Once my brothers and I graduated, we had a choice. We could either work, or go to school if we wanted to stay at her house. I feel there is nothing wqrong with that. Daddy will not be around forever. I also think you should tell him how you feel. If he cares about you, himself, and your relationship, he will do something about it. Good luck.

Answer 5

You are wasting the best years of your life with a loser sweetheart. The money he is spending on them could be put to better use such as a trip for the two of you. If he is ill has he changed his will so that you will receive some assistance should anything happen to him? His children will come right in and put you right out the door. You are nothing more to this man than his nurse maid and if you were happy with him you would not be on Yahoo looking for answers. Get out Catch Airtran and head to the hawaiian islands.

Answer 6

Let me first say that I am sorry youre going through this difficult time. Its so easy to see things differently on the other side of the looking glass. Unfortunately, established families (like the one your sig other has with his children) are very hard to get along with. You should sit down and have a heart to heart with him about what you see when it comes to his children taking advantage of a good situation. If he still decides that he wants them in his life, then you need to make a decision about the relationship. Do you want to be a part of this chaos? Do you enjoy the tension that builds when his daughter is blatently taking advantage of her father? My guess is no. You also have to keep you in mind...is this relationship healthy for you?
I hope that you find peace and acceptance with this situation. Youre in my thoughts and prayers.

Answer 7

Sounds like the guy is a pushover for his kids. If you were to marry him, there is no way that you would be able to stay away from them. He has allowed these moochers into his home, it is up to him to do something about it.
Could it be he is actually comfortable having them around? Could it be his way of not having to commit to you?
After 4+ years, you should already know that is situation will not change unless he takes the necessary steps on his own and it's unlikely that he will.

Answer 8

If I were you I would move on. It's time for your significant other to get a life as well as his kids and it's time for you to distance yourself and make a new life for yourself also.

These "kids" are fully grown and in their 20s? I have a rude awakening for you. They won't change, ever. They are set in their ways and are destined to mooch all their lives until daddy isn't there any more to mooch from.

The only way you will ever get rid of these kids of his is to get rid of him, lock, stock and barrel.

Like I said, time to move on.

Good luck.

Answer 9

Why should you care If they like you or not? It's your house it's your way or the highway, You need to tel them how it's gonna be if they cant handle it kick their asses out. If your husband dont like it tell him it's them or you, dont need that type of stress in your life. everyone needs their space, and quality time with their significant other, it will never work with people living with you. It has been time tested, and proven that that type of situation only creates tension, and hate. You need to be strong, and face your fears it's very hard to put it down like a shrewd ******, but it needs to be done before it's to late. Good luck.

Answer 10

It sounds like you don't like them either, but I understand and sympathize. I think it isn't a question of whether or not you should care if these adult children of your significant other dislikes you--I would be more concerned as to why he told you. What good did it do? How did it help anything? What was his motive.