This is my first poem, plz tell me how much it sucks.....?

Question

So yeah, this is my first attempt at a "poem" tell me whatcha think
I want to go
To go away
To leave this realm
This place of hurt
This place of suffering
I want to die
To relieve my pain
To stop the feelings in me
To push away the heartbreak
To have the courage
The courage to say
“I don’t love you”
To say it and it be true
I want to hate you
I want to call
To tell you how I feel
But you don’t know
Don’t know what’s inside
You don’t know my pain
I need more time
More time to sort out life
To figure out why I’m here
To stop the feeling of you
I hate myself
But I love You

Answer 1

it's very painful to read this because it's emotionally raw and impacts directly on the reader's psyche. you speak honestly and from the heart. the last two lines are incredible, "I hate myself/But I love you." If I could give advice then it would be to try to avoid abstractions and cliches (for example, the word "heartbreak" is overused.) give the reader something he/she hasn't read before. search deeply in your heart for the pain, what does pain look like? describe the pain you feel.. look for metaphors & symbols in nature for your pain. give us some concrete images.. tell us about the realm that you want to go to.. how will it feel..what does it look like... what does your beloved look like? describe some of his habits, and how they pertain to your love of him, perhaps describe a meeting between the two of you where we implicitly are able to detect the problems that have arisen. finally, you have a good rhythm to the words and syllables, I'm glad that you didn't rhyme them. and you don't need punctuation. keep writing, writing, writing. practice your art. ultimately it will bring you solace. through your poetry you will enter that other realm: to deal with your emotions head on, to wrestle them into words and art until you have defeated them, a kind of self-therapy, until the truth will bring you catharsis. and then you can move on and go forward in life.

Answer 2

Not bad at all - poems that are good come from the heart and yours sounds like it does. Anyway, the judgment of poems is all objective, no matter what peom a person may write there will always be someone who can relate, connect, or feel for what you are writing. With that said: Keep the writing up, you are off to a great start!

Answer 3

I honestly think that it would be really good as song lyrics for someone like Nine Inch Nails or someone similar. That's the first thought I had reading it. Sounds like something written by Kurt Cobain or something like that.

At least you wrote poetry. How many people can say they've done that? Most people spent tonight watching TV or surfing the Web aimlessly. You wrote poetry, whether it's good or bad, at least you did something creative and productive. So you're at least one step ahead of everyone else who answered this question.

Keep it up. No one's first poem was their best poem.

Answer 4

Hey you are lost.and the poem is heading nowhere. sorry to be harsh. but as a writer i must say this. this is ghost writing. after you have written , it is you who should edit it next to turn it into a poem. I understand your trapped emotion and nevertheless, this is a good way to venting your emotions.

The start is heartening. I want you to write a better one next time. with every poem, the quality should improve.

Answer 5

Sucky poems need sucky Titles,so give it a sucky title and it works fine at being a real sucky poem,sounds like you better see the doc for depression

Answer 6

Its a little (a lot) emo and kinda just asking for someone to tell you that you take life in a bad way. Other than that, good job. Putting yourself out there is really hard to do.

Answer 7

Ride boldly ride, the shade replied, if you seek for El Dorado

Answer 8

iam not lying that is a really good poem!!!
i cant belive its ur furst
it kinda sounds like ur around 16 ?
its good

Answer 9

Not bad.

But if you really feel those things, you need help.

You're depressed and suicidal. Get professional help.

Answer 10

LOL cute in a sucky way