Gay/asexual friend with bodyspace issues?

Question

I'm posting this in the gay section hoping for more understanding replies.

I have a gay male friend, who is gay in that he has no interest in women at all, and a very slight attraction to men. But really he has no sex drive, doesn't enjoy sexual contact, and is very happy being celibate.

The trouble is that because he has no sexual desire, he doesn't seem to realise that other people do. When I visit him, he sits very close to me and will casually put his hand on my thighs and breasts. He knows not to touch nipples or genitals, but he seems to think everything else is okay.

He is a very attractive man, physically and personality-wise, and he doesn't seem to realise how this affects me. It doesn't turn HIM on, so he can't see how it might turn ME on. I've tried explaining that there are lots of erogenous zones on the body, but it's like explaining colour to a blind person.

How can I get through to him without being offensive or insensitive?

Thanks for the replies so far; most very thoughtful and caring.

Okay as far as I know:

1. He isn't full of self-hate. He does like men and has had one boyfriend, but it's more of an emotional/aesthetic attraction than physical. He seems to be genuinely happy and fulfilled with no sex drive, and says it gives him more time to concentrate on his career and hobbies.

2. I know it sounds bizarre, but I believe him to be telling the truth about his sexuality, and don't think he is getting sexual pleasure from touching me (maybe emotional/affectionate/sensual pleasure, like touching an animal or a child).

3. I make no secret of the fact he is very physically attractive as well as nice, and if I was single, he was straight, and had a normal sex drive, I would be VERY interested in him. He is very definitely arousing to me.

4. No idea what he is like with other people, but he is an artist and I expect they are a very tolerant crowd to eccentrics - and no doubt some enjoy it!

Answer 1

You need to be very direct and honest.

Tell him that you realize that he is gay, and that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there could never be anything sexual between you. Then tell him that he is crossing some boundaries...and why! Tell him that he might think of his actions as friendly, you are having a hard time getting over the physical reactions that you experience when he touches you that way.

You need to outline for him what appropriate touch is. Hugs are okay. Kisses on the cheek, okay. Touching things like breasts....not okay! Tell him that it turns you on, and that you don't want to end up crossing any boundaries and you certainly don't want him crossing any of yours!

You can say all of these things tactfully, but you must be very direct and leave no room for interpretation. If he agrees to the new ground rules and then slips up, calmly remove his hand and say "that's out of bounds" and continue on with whatever you are doing. I think that if you really tell him how uncomfortable this is making you, he will make an effort to quit the inappropriate touch.

Ask him why he feels that it is okay to touch you like that. Find out what his reasoning is, and that will hopefully make the conversation run a little smoother. Once you have an idea of where he is coming from, you'll know what to say and how to say it.

Good luck.

Answer 2

I'm curious how this person gets on with other people. Is he so invasive of their personal space as well?
I think that if he is genuinely unare of the effect that he has on you that he will not take offence if you explain nicely.
On the other hand would be so upset if it was a girlfriend who was touching you? Maybe you should be trying to get less aroused around this guy? Might you not be kidding yourself about the neutrality of your feelings towards him?

Answer 3

I really don't think your going to change the way he is, I am concern on how he has no sex drive, I knew this guy who sounds almost like your friend and I asked him one time if he was gay why don't he go find someone and he told me he hates him self and who he is and it's effecting his life to be happy, I as a bi male in the closet can understand that deeply..

Answer 4

My suggestion is to clarify that your entire mantle of skin is erogenous, and from now on, if he really has the need to do that, he has to pay cash up front.

Or, one of these moments, just jump up suddenly, flash him an intense look of the eyes, and hollar, "Alrighty then! Let the games begin!", then copy him.

Always room for fun. If he doesn't begin to get the point, you've at least had yourself some entertainment.

Answer 5

I think if you explain to him as well as you've written here that he would be very understanding and not take offense. Be completely open and honest with him, I've found that that always works best for any situation. He will probably be more shocked that he is having that effect (being blind to it) more than any other reaction.

Answer 6

He wants to bone you but is 'confused' and you letting him touch you in any way just helps contribute to his confused state.

No gay guy goes around touching women's breasts just for the hell of it, let alone thighs. He wants your hey nonny-nonny but is too afraid to ask.

Answer 7

Simply tell him that for you, touching so closely is too intimate, that yu reserve that type of touchng for a sexual partner.

Answer 8

I guess it could be a shemale. Nowadays, anything is possible. Why don't you try saying something like, "Is there anything I need to know about you before we get any closer?" or something like that. Or you could try telling something about yourself, too, to try and open the dialogue.

Answer 9

Did he tell you he was gay and had very little sex drive? But he has his hands all over you?

I may be wrong here, but this scenario sets off all my alarms.

Answer 10

When he does it one day just snap at him and say, "PLEASE stop touching me!"
Most friends don't do something bad twice.