What's the funniest thing you've ever heard?

Answer 1

A woman had a fight with her husband she said: "Call the police, check you pants you have been robed."

Answer 2

Good question...
I served on a jury once and during the (intense) closing arguments from the prosecution, the lawyer farted loudly. It was freaking funny.

Answer 3

George W. Bush being called a great leader.

Answer 4

Pres. Bush attempting to sound smart.

Answer 5

A duck fart under water.

Answer 6

Tony Blair saying "To be honest..."

Answer 7

I found this in one of my groups and had to share.
3.
Friday Funny
Posted by: "[e-mail]" [e-mail] thespider3
Fri Sep 8, 2006 1:10 am (PST)

FRIDAY FUNNY-

*In an attempt to stop the spread of bird flu, President George W. Bush
has bombed the Canary Islands. Turkey is next.*

Subject: Simple home remedies you may not know about.
1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
timer.

6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and
should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:
* Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
* Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
* If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know
when you might need them to tie your shoelaces.
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *****

Politician's Sandwich On the Listening Tour, a prominent politician was
pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town he was visiting
had named a sandwich after him.

He was somewhat less pleased after he found out what was in it.

"Mostly baloney," said the proprietor.
************ ********* ********* ********* ******

Bachelor Cooking
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from
politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything
with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - Take a clean
dish and...."
************ ********* ********* ********* ******

Insurance Claim
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very
expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars,
and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man
filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of
small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the
man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.

The man sued ... and won!!

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a
policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were
insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against
fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it
was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare
cigars he lost in "the fires."

After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him
arrested... on 24 counts of arson!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being
used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally
burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *****

Coffee Drive-Thru
I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered
coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I
could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay.

Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. "I'm
having a problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting."
************ ********* ********* ********* ******

Making Babies
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom,
guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more that a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's
interesting. How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add
's'."
************ ********* ********* ********* ******

Imagine There's No Windows (Sorta by : J. Lennon
Imagine there's no Windows,
It's easy if you try.
No fatal errors or new bugs
To kill your hard drives.
Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Leaving us in peace!

Imagine never ending hard disks,
It isn't hard to do.
Nothing to del or wipe off
And no floppy too
Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Sharing all his money.

You may say I'm a hacker,
But I'm not the only one.
I hope someday you'll join us
And your games will fit in RAM

Imagine 1-Giga RAM
I wonder if you can.
No need for left-shifts or setups
And no booting again and again.
Imagine all the systems
Working all life-time!

You may say I'm a hacker,
But I'm not the only one.
Maybe someday I'll be a cracker
And then I'll make Windows run.
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *******
LAWS

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy
signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you
had a flat tire, the
very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were
in will start to move
faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone
rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know
increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional
to the reach.
Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest
from the aisle arrive last.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing
face down on a floor
covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you
are talking about.
Brown's Law for Women's shoes: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they
will stop making it.

************ ********* ********* ********* ***
ANNIVERSARY
Who said men don't remember anniversaries?

A woman awakes during the night to find that
her husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of
coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at
the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she
whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time
of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years
ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and
sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of
my car making love?" Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering

herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued.
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have
gotten out today."
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *****

WHERE DO REDHEAD BABIES COME FROM?
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the
Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling
you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't
possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have
black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the
gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our
families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations. "
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this.
How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed a bit ashamed.
"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made
love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently.
"It's rust."
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *

SOUTHERN CHARM

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an
endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the
California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my
husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband
bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz. "

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born,
my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for
you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady. "Charm
school?" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?", said the
first woman.

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who
gives a ****?" I learned to say, Well, isn't that precious?"
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

Subject: VASELINE
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young
woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the
product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say
that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.
But,in fact,I know that most people do use it for sex.
I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you
tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all.. My husband and I put
it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke....
************ ********* ********* ********* *********

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and
Ambiguity... ......... .......

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and Apes?

5. The main reason Santa' so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with
soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right
to start speaking?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road
Signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other
people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. How can there be Military Intelligence?

28. If we really mean, "Till death do us part," shouldn't the
murder/suicide rate be higher?

29. Why would I possibly care how much wood would a wood chuck chuck?

30. I agree with "going out and beating the Bushes for votes... all of
'em.

31. If a proctologist ate a sandwich and got peanut butter on his
face, would anyone tell him?

32. Why are some of us still paying for that "Free Love"?

33. Ever notice a full bus or subway can always find room for a well
endowed blonde?

34. Nobody admits to voting for Bush, then who did vote for him?

35. How can there be a Honest Politician?

36. If a woman forgets her underwear and a breeze blows her skirt up,
is she a "Flasher" or a "Happy Accident"?

37. If Santa has glass balls and only comes once a year, how does he
have kids?