Help me I am TORN?

Question

I was with my boyfriend for so long that I am not sure that I am with him for the security... but I still love him to peices however I understand now that love is NOT enough...

I'm 23 and he is 32. I met him when I was 17. I have never been single. I am at a point in my life where I am viewing my life and how I have changed as a person. I don't feel that he has changed at all and that scares me. I don't know if he is the one.

I told him I needed a break & he asked me if I wanted to see other people I told him not right now i am not interested in anybody else but that is not the case. I want to see if there is anybody else out there for me but I dont have the guts to tell him he is already crying to me and that alone makes me feel so bad and it's clouding my judgement. Please give me your input on how I should handle this because I feel like I am going to break.

Answer 1

Nothing harder than being the cause of breaking someones heart , especially someone who has shared your life for so long.

Do you know whats harder though....neglecting your true feelings and trying to ignore your instinct. This is only possible for a limited time before your screaming to go out there and find your true self. (trust me i've been there and we had a child)

Your gonna have to go with your gut instinct and do not allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed by tears.

You probably have changed and what you wanted at 17 is not what you want today so follow your heart.

Your gonna have to tough it out and play the bad guy for a while but remember your a good person and your true friends will stand by you.

Answer 2

try being single for a while, as much as it will suck it's something you'll need to do. I met my husband when I was 18, now I'm 26 and he is 32. There are so many things that I would have done differently, but I also needed the security. Had I not been so selfish to think of only myself, my son wouldn't have been born. Sounds harsh I know, but the whole experience has made me become responsible a lot sooner than I was ready to be.Your situation is complicated. I hope you can figure out what's best for you. If you two are in love, then the relationship will withstand a little bit of space.

Answer 3

It sounds like your not happy with the way your life is right now. You think being single for a bit, if someone else comes along...then you'll go with the flow. Bottom line is, he'll get over the break up. You won't get over not being happy, you'll only get more frustrated and sooner or later, that will turn to resentment. Get out now, who knows, you two can still remain friends. After you have been out on your own for a bit, you'll realize that he is the one. You'll never know tho if you don't try. No sense in making both of you unhappy. Do what is going to make you the most happiest.

Answer 4

I know just how you feel, except I didnt have the guts to tell my boyfriend, also I didnt want him to date other people since I felt this way I knew I did love him and I was just being a normal person who has my doubts because there is not only ONE person for everyone, there are people who love eachother and care for eachother, and if you dont love and care for him let him go, so that both of you can be happy, If he is not happy with your choice, ask him if he would want to be in a relasonship where he loves you and you do not love him. No one wants to feel thay way. He will say know and you will be free.

Answer 5

You need to do what is best for you. If you are unhappy in a relationship, it is not worth staying. I was in a situation like this and with him for 9 years. I am so happy now that it is over. Staying because of pity isn't good for anyone. There is no guarantee that you will find someone better but you can at least try or you might not ever forgive yourself. When it is right, you will know it is right.

Answer 6

Walk away... I did. It is a very confusing time right now, you feel scared and alone....but in a week or so you will think clearer....
I was in a daze at first but I am so happy now you wouldn't believe.
Shortly after the split I met someone,and the love I feel for him is a million times more real then I thought I felt for my ex.
I relise now how sad I was before and wished I did it years ago.

I am healthier and happier then I have ever been in my whole life.

I hope my experience gives you courage.

Answer 7

Sweetie, you are growing up. People do SO MUCH changing in their 20's, that's why the majority of people say wait until you hit 30 before you get married. You have out grown your relationship. If you know he isn't "the one"...don't waste anymore of his time or yours on this relationship. He's going to cry, just count on that, but he will get over it. There is nothing worse than staying in a dead relationship and always wondering "what if" about your life. Go out and LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR YOU....you deserve to have fun! Sweetie...do this for YOU. Good luck to you.

Answer 8

I'm sorry to be harsh but...I think that you are being very selfish and inconsiderate. How can you treat another human being in such a cruel way? Either leave him or stay with him. It's not much to ask.

Why on earth don't you know what you want? You are a grown woman, take some responsibility for your actions.

You don't just speculate whether there might be someone else. You are either in a relationship or out of it. Try keeping it simple. As you obviously don't love him, tell him that you want to separate permenantly. When you are in love you love only that person and don't want anyone else. Do your poor boyfriend the courtesy of being straight with him. Remember you were friends once.

Answer 9

ok...here's how i see your situation in a nutshell....:

you care about each other, very much so, to the fact that even tho u are unhappy, because you know he is crying because of you, it makes you sad and ur mind "wants" to stay....but ur heart is telling u something different.

having said this......there is something that is still not satisfied for you. whether it is just experience, or whatnot, there is something about this man, that is just not satisfying ALL Of your needs. that is why u feel that something is missing, something is "wrong", maybe he's not the one..... if he fulfilled every one of your wants and needs, or if u felt he had the capacity to, you would never doubt him. the problem then, becomes not if there is LOVE or not; it becomes whether or not you are RIGHT for each other.

you are very right in that you need to be able to grow, together. if u feel that u've been constantly learning and growing, and he is stagnant, that is a HUGE indicator that the relationship will not always be able to withstand the demands of life. life is not stagnant, it is constantly changing! therefore, u need to find someone who can satisfy ur needs, as well as be able to constantly learn and grow and change with you, if need be.

first of all, i define Real Love as caring about someone SO MUCH that u want the BEST for them, their happiness is put above yours. i can see that perhaps u are putting his happiness above yours... but wait! TRUE Love WITH someone means: THAT person loves you SO MUCH that he wants the BEST for you, Your happines is put above His. if you can find that, you are Set. u will be able to get thru ANY and EVERY situation that life throws at you.

remember, staying with someone does NOT equal doing the Best thing for them..!!! do u really think that this man is doing the best for you by crying, and making u stay w/ him, when u are having doubts?? nope... he obviously cares and needs you, but is that what YOU , as a 23 year old woman, really need to grow and learn and become a better person? =T...... i think not. and i'm not saying that just because he is older, and because u have only been with one guy. You yourself are saying that he may not be the one...u yourself are having doubts. therefore, u need to listen to waht ur gut instincts are telling you..... which is that u need to find someone who Challenges, Appreciates, Loves, Accepts, Grows, etc etc....AND makes you happy. ALL of those things. there is nothing wrong with looking until u find that. if you were 30, or 40, maybe i would say u may need to weigh what you have versus what u may lose. but you are 23 years old....u have all the time in the world to develop yourself into a great Woman, and find a great Man. this guy may be a great Man, but may not be the Right Man for you. there's a difference.

and it's not something u are doing to hurt him. u are not breaking up w/ him to hurt him and be evil. u are doing what is probalby Best for Both of you..which is letting him find someone who is Crazy about him; who will devote her life to him w/ no questions asked, no doubts, no thoughts towards other things. you cannot give that to him at this time. he deserves more. same as you.. you deserve someone who is dynamic, who is willing to learn and grow w/ you, who has similar objectives and goals for YOUR relationship, together. someone who challenges you mentally and physically. you deserve that.

good luck, and i hope things work out for you. remember, staying w/ someone does not equal Love. love may be there, but if it is with the wrong person, eventually it will sour...which is what may be happening right now.

Answer 10

Your man no matter how you feel needs to respect how you feel. People change, my husband and I have come to that understanding. We now that there may even be a day that we both have changed so much that we may not be as great togetherand will seperate. You are a young woman and you need to do what you feel in your heart and no matter how long you are with someone they need to repect you for that and if they can't than obviously you should have left them a long time ago.