how can i help my son?

Question

when it comes to school he gets very negetive, he always tells me that he is dumb,stupid, and ugly, he thinks very low of him self
he is not ugly and he is not dumb and stuid, he is very smart, i always let him know that he is a smart and good looking boy but he don't care what i have to say, i think it's because he is in middle school and kids usually don't take thier moms advice, what should i do to make him have a higher self esteem?he is always using the words i cant, and i dont know and i tell him all he has to do is try. i don't know what else to do. i feel bad for my baby.

Answer 1

Tell him that you remember how hard it is to be his age. Offer to help him. Tell him that as long as you're there, he won't be alone with his pain.

A bit of counseling might not hurt either.

Answer 2

First and foremost you have to take him seriously what he tells you. Do not try to play down or tell him otherwise. Or he will feel that you do not understand him. Rather find out more. Give him room to tell you what is inside him. If he tells you that he feels ugly than he feels ugly about himself. That is a fact to him like the sun rises every morning. It doesn't matter if the whole earth disagree with him.

Ask leading questions to guide him in his thoughts and for you to find out why. Is it the crowd that he is with? Are his grades bad? these are formative years and sometime a casual remark can have a great impact on the child. Did someone made some remarks that hurt him so for him to think that way?

Then teach him that he is not helpless. That he is responsible for being dumb, stupid and ugly. But because he "made" himself that way, he has the power to undo what he made himself to be. Taking responsibility is the first step to getting him on the right path again.

Find books on how people become successful. try the book "I am gifted so are you" is an excellent book for someone his age. These resources will show to him that he is not alone in his struggle and that since others can do it, so will he. And one day will rise from an ugly ducking to a beautiful swan.

Answer 3

Part of it is age and the other part could be the demands from an over-achieving culture. We are told that we must be the best when realistically, you can only do one or two things well and the rest mediocre.

From a young age, we learn to make comparisons btw ourselves and others and when you do that, you will always find yourself lacking. Perhaps, you can be more explicit about why you think/know he is not stupid, ugly etc. Kids relate to something concrete rather than a vague..."you are great" comment. I have a cousin who is not academically gifted and as such, always felt stupid and he even thought of dropping out of high school. I noticed that he would play video games for hours and was actually pretty good even with the more difficult/challenging ones....I began telling him that he was smart because it takes mathematical skill to play and excel at these games .......I said such things to him for 2years...now he is a freshman in college and studying gaming design...

All is not lost....he just needs a way to see himself in the context of the world around him.....

Answer 4

Your son is in need of professional help. I am not saying that you are a bad mother or he is nuts or anything. There are many young children and young teens who suffer depression just the same as you and me.. You could be the best mom in the world but your son would most likely open up to a Doctor or a psycologist before he would you.. We do not want to show weakness or faults to the ones we love.. It seemes he may need some help with acceptance. This could be hard for young kids.. At home they are so used to getting what they want and having things their way, then after 3 months straight of this they return to scholl where they become somwhat invisable, they have to wait their turn, they need to learn, take test etc.. All this on a tight schedual.. I am as guilty as any when it comes to spoiling my kids though we have made great strides in the last year or so..But even so, after only 2 days of class, my daughter has encountered her first friend problem.. What is it with girls and having more than one friend?? See you are not alone. Good Luck, I hope things work out and would love to hear how things work out with your son. You can find my e-mail by clicking on my picture..

Answer 5

Oh man, that's gotta be tough. You have to give him all the positive re-inforcement you can. Is he being picked on in school? Does he have freinds? He needs to be around people who make him feel good about himself. Pre-teen is a tough age for kids to go through, but he'll come out of it fine if you give him he support he needs. Maybe even therapy might help him with his strugle with self-esteem. Definitely get him involved in activities he is good at- sports, music, art- whatevever it is and SHOW him, use that as an example that he is not dumb and he can do great things. The recognition will do wonders with how he views himself.

Answer 6

i suggest helping him, somehow, to focus and WORK ON his "flaws". so if he feels ugly, ask him what he wants to do. buy skincare? try different dermotologists? how bout clothes? maybe he feels "uncool" cuz he doesn't have the latest style. and make sure u emphasize exercise..perhaps u can go running at the school track at night, with him.....because the more he WORKS on himself, the more improvement he will see, and the better he will feel about himself, because he is actively doing something about it. it's both a mental, as well as outwardly physical change. but if he just sits around and complains all day, nothing's gonna change. obviously he doesn't feel good enough right now..but if he knows that if he puts some effort into changing some things around, it can be different Tomorrow.

good luck.. i always advise people, even older people, to do the same thing. it would be awesome to have learned it as a younger child...to improve yourself, u gotta do something about it. and since u are the parent, u have to kinda help that along. i would also encourage him to find some hobbies, and enroll him in classes, such as art, or writing, or movie making..something he himself is interested in. he will find more people he can talk to about his interests, most likely make more friends, and feel more comfortable. :)

Answer 7

Middle school age is the hardest. All of my daughters went through tough stuff at that age. I didn't have any sons.

I put my girls in things like the band. There they got to hang out with kids that had the same likes and dislikes as them. They went on a lot of trips and attended competitions together. I also let the kids my children were friends with, hang out at my house all the time. It continued all the way through high school and we never knew who was going to stop by. It improved my girls out look and helped their self esteem a lot.

Get your son involved with some structured school activities and let your home be the hang out home. He will enjoy school more and his friends will help him with his self image more than you can right now. Good Luck, I know what you are going through.

Answer 8

Try to get him involved in a school club or any type of sport.

My brother used to beexactly like that up until the 8th grade---but let me tell you, when he hit the 9th grade--- he had more valentine cards then ME on valentines day! He just completly changed, I think it was due to him joining mock trial, he felt intelligent and confident that could could excel in it, and he did.

Debating was always one of his strong points and in high school, he found how to channel that into something positive.

Also, maybe you should try out counceling, wheather pro or school, it could help, and usually does.

After all there are some things you can only tell a stranger, right?

Wish you the best of luck and hope things'll get better soon,
++Rose

Answer 9

Your son has low self esteem. It may be from kids bullying him at school, or an underlying issue that neither he or you is aware of. I highly recommend you seek a counselor for your son. Although you try to reassure your son that he is not unattractive, and is not a "stupid" person, he has underlying issues causing his lack of self esteem. Most children his age really are not interested in what it is Mom has to say and are more inclined to listen to their peers. Is their another adult or older teen which he is close too that you could trust to talk to him? He may be more open to discussion, or esteem boosting encouragement and compliments if they come from someone other than his parents. Please do not take this issue lightly, it can effect his whole life if not corrected. Good Luck to you both!

Answer 10

Seems like all you can do is what you have been doing and don't let him give up if he starts something. Or maybe he has a learning disabbility and he is finding school stressful/frustrating? It might be worth going to the school and see if they have noticed anything that might point to a problem.
As for the ugly issue, all I can say is he has to just think to himself onday that someone must like him and to keep thinking it. I have the same problem and it's the only solution I know about.

If he says he can't do anything then 'you can't spell can't without can'

Answer 11

Does he have an interest?

If not, maybe letting him learn a musical instrument might be a good idea. Kids who play music usually find the experience of finishing pieces to be fulfilling. Especially if he could start showing them off to friends and families. With proper praise and encouragement, his self-esteem should improve as well.

Good luck!