i need a good laugh can you help?

Answer 1

Have a look through these links:

http://www.allfunnypages.com/funny-jokes...
http://www.africanjokes.com/africanjokes...
http://www.blonde-jokes.info/
http://www.zelo.com/blonde/index.asp...
http://www.indiabook.com/jokes/entertain...
http://yahooligans.yahoo.com/content/jok...
http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/...
http://www.kidsjokes.co.uk/
http://www.ahajokes.com/yo_mama_jokes.ht...
http://www.jokesgallery.com/
http://www.workjoke.com/projoke.htm...
http://www.jokes2000.com/
http://www.comedycentral.com/jokes/index...
http://www.ahajokes.com/
http://www.the-jokes.com/
http://www.lotsofjokes.com/

Answer 2

There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!” This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, “OK for you” and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches. When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and uses words Lenny Bruce and George Carlin NEVER thought about trying to use in their acts. Then suddenly, it gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, “Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on” The man is astonished. He can't understand the transformation that has taken place. Then the parrot says, “ Can I ask just one question, what did the turkey do.”

or this one

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador
Retriever and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the
hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car
hit me.

Answer 3

Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk.

The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks".

To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"

They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."

Answer 4

What are 20 things not to say to a cop?
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer
2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?
4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist.
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence, bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how they are far ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
20. When an officer says, "Gee, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?" Reply, "Gee, your eyes look glazed, officer. Have you been eating donuts?"

Answer 5

When I was 14 I had an excessive amount of winnets attached to my posteria hair. I took the idiotic step of shaving them. A few weeks later they grew back but llonger. I proceeded to re-shave them to keep them at bay. This pattern occured repeatedly until recently when I lost my job as an underwear model. I can no longer afford shears for my poodle like growth and I cannot get a job for having far too much pubic hair! What can I do?

Answer 6

It was reported by the press last week, that Bill Clinton was caught with a pair of ladies panties wrapped around his arm.

When asked about his strange behavior, he confirmed that he was in Re-hab, and was directed by his doctor to wear a patch.

Answer 7

Yea, take a look at whats in your pants, that would give anyone a good laugh and if that doent help than my freind mary jane might help

Answer 8

Look in mirror with no clothes on might help

Answer 9

2 blondes walked into a building

you'd think one of them would have missed

Answer 10

What does a 80 year old woman's vagina taste like?

Answer 11

flicking the bean often helps