My wife asked for a divorce in July . How do you fix apathy?

Question

She said she has no feelings for me after 26 years marriage and 4 children , after making love in the last three months she said she no longers feel conected to me , I found that she has been chating with a guy for the last year or more and found some pics that she tryed to send him on her cell , I found his no# on the cell and called him , he said he was only a freind and he told her that also but I know that she had a crush on him , he said he would cut all ties , we will see . I love my wife very much , she has had a couple afferes over the last 15 years she has told me about, but we have worked threw that bump in our life , I'm afread that its starting over again shes 45 im 48 , she said she would go to councleing with me , I need all the help I can get !

Answer 1

Sounds like she keeps repeating the same behavior! Affairs! I am sorry but in my opinion people that keep having affairs are not going to change. I mean if she truly loved you and respected you why would she keep doing this too you! She can't have her cake and eat it to!! You deserve better than that. You deserve someone who will love you and be faithful to you. Don't you want to be happy? There are so many other people in the world, you don't have to settle. I know it's comfortable to stay, hell you all have been together for a very long time! But is this situation really working for you? What if there is a woman who's out there who's starting her life over in her 40's and fears the same thing you do? maybe that's who you're meant to find! When God closes one door he opens another! Please for your own sake make yourself happy, it sounds like your wife doesn't care to do that for you! Move on with your life and find happiness again, you deserve it!!

Answer 2

Congrats on the adult way you are handling this..but be careful not to be rolled over...she will lose respect for you (she already has). Your job, should you accept this assignment, is to find the umph you once had, start treating each other as humans, not possessions, and find what was right, what IS wrong. And I don't mean to be a gloom spreader, but sometimes, it is just better to let go. WE can only do so much, and I suspect your ego has taken about all the bruising it can stand. IF she is not willing to respect you as a man, then there is little hope she will fall back in love with you. Some people have to learn the hard way that the grass is NOT greener, the problems are the same, no matter where you go...it is how you handle the problems that matters. She is throwing away someone who loves her, but...IF she doens't love you back, then, to her, she is not losing anything. Just the fact, the hard cold facts. So sorry you are in this spot, but spots do change, just not on a leopard.

Answer 3

In reading your question, I couldn't help but notice the desire to make this work come hell or high water. What I don't understand is why? This woman has betrayed you not once, but several times, in the most unbelievable way. It's clear that you love her honey, but at what point do you sit back and ask yourself..."what in the world am I doing?". You didn't sign up for this, and nobody in their right mind is going to expect you to continue to deal with it just because you are afraid of starting over. I know 26 years and four children is alot of history. I, myself have been married for almost 18 and have 5 kids. However, I'm sure your children are grown by now and would not object your decision to put your foot down and demand better. You can try counseling, stand on your head and do whatever else you think will make this better, but the one thing that is going to remain the same, is that your wife is going to continue to treat you this way as long as you allow it honey. You forgave her in the past, she assumes you'll continue to do it. So there is no reason for her to change her behavior. Which means you'll have to change. You'll have to convince yourself that this is not okay. That her affairs have become a means to an end. That you deserve better, you deserve to be loved as you love, you deserve honesty, respect and happiness. You have to believe this with heart and soul before you can move on. Or you can just spend another 26 years of your life wondering how to fix it and make things right. That is going to be awfully hard to do when you aren't the one who has the problem. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, nor can you save something that is broken beyond repair. Sometimes it's best to just go out and get a new one!

Answer 4

Unfortunately, ur wife has no clue how to be completely faithful to u, she lacks respect for u and your marriage..and because you were so willing to forgive her affairs of the past, she figures she can do it again and again cause well u stuck around the last time... Your wife is using u as a security blanket.. plain and simple.. her vows mean nothing to her except when they are Convient "For her needs".... Basically everytime another guy shows her attention she is going to leave u emotionally.. and as soon as Mr. AT THE MOMENT guy leaves or does something to make her realize he's not for her, she will drift back to u ..not because she really loves u, but because she doesnt want to be alone.. id bet 10 bucks if this guy she's talking to now, were to suddenly disappear from her life, she'd be willing to work on ur marriage and tow the line, but it would only be till the next guy.. So u need to decide if u can live with that or not..

Answer 5

The major problem that you have done here was not putting on paper what was going to be hers and what was going to be yours. I think that you need to talk to a lawyer about this. It won't cost you millions of dollars to just talk to a lawyer. But you need to make sure what she in entitled to. Now that your wife has moved out people could be filling her head with lots of things. People could be telling her that she is entitled to half of what you have. And that could be why she's not signing the divorce papers. Another reason why your wife is not signing the divorce papers and the reason why she starts to fight with you could be because she’s angry with herself for asking for the divorce. Is it possible that your wife made a mistake and she just realize now that she does not want to get a divorce? No matter what the reason is that your wife is not signing the divorce papers you have to get to the bottom of this. You should try to meet with her and try to find out what is really going on with her. If your wife tells you that she wants more than what you gave her because she found out that she was entitled to half of what you have then you are going to need a lawyer. Like it or not your wife may want more and maybe there is nothing that you can do about it. If that is the case then I think it's cruel that she would go after your house knowing that it was yours to begin with. But as you know that going through a divorce sometimes make one realize that a spouse can be mean, cruel and selfish.

Answer 6

You must really love her. She has already cheated on you twice, and is crushing on someone else now. The crushes would just be a symptom of something, without the cheating too, but she has already cheated? It is good that she is agreeing to go to counseling with you, but she may also consider separate counseling in addition to that, and you might too. Since she has asked for the divorce, and you are going through a lot, I would go ahead and have separate counseling too, if I were you. It will help tremendously. Are the kids in their twenties or are some below 18? If they are below, you might have family counseling too. This is affecting the entire family, not only you.

Wishing you the best.

Answer 7

Marriages do wear out, sir, just like anythng else -- cars, teeth, roads, you get the idea.) And some, you just can't fix, and you and she cease to stay best friends, and the feelings of "You and me against the worlds babe" just aren't there anymore. In olden days, no one ever got to be married 26 years... one or the other simply died, and divorce was utter community shame: It just wasn't done. But here are some things to consider when you go to conseling since she has agreed to go, and you wish to stay married:

1. You might not be a great lover you think you are, or have become less of one: You may be an old dog who needs to learn some new tricks..... love making often becomes mechanical--- you to get release, she to get it over. You should both read a book called "For you Both"by Lonnie Barbach, the sex therapist in the nation today. (get it cheap on Amazon.com.And do the exercises the book suggests -- right down to the last little detail!!!!)There are things in there neither of you have any idea about!!!!

2. Both of you might consider a physicial make-over -- not plastic surgery (unless you both think you need some. It's only drastic if you live somewhere outside of California -- we who have lived there have stuff done all the time) For sure get some weight off, for sure get yourselves killer smiles from the best cosmetic dentist in your area. And for sure buy some new clothes. Yup, this all costs buckos, but is your marriage worth it?

3. Your counselor will tell you to plan a date for just the two of you every week----time just for you.
Learn to woo your wife...........
And it doesn't have to always include sex. Time where you go to a movie, a drive somewhere pleasant, a long weekend, and maybe check into a motel like to did when you were younger. But something every week,

Nothing is guaranteed, but these, plus that book are some hints you can use, and she as well.

Pick up some hobbies that that neither of you have now that you do alone, and that she does alone, then find some things that you would like to do together ---photography, volunteering, etc. We are both photographers, and we have season tickets to symphony. I also belong to an art club, and go to organ recitals in our city. He IS an artist, so the art club wouldn't interest him--he makes a fine living doing it, so why go to an art club for him. HE could teach THEM
I also have joined a lapadary club (rock polishing) and go on field trips with them, he stays home. He goes to the countryside to photograph by himself -- I don't like campers.

If it all fails, part as friends -- you may get together later in your life -- my parents did, and so have several friends of theirs. Maybe my ex and I might have --- we remained best friends -- but he was killed.

Nothing is impossible.... best of luck, sir.

Answer 8

why are you kidding yourself.... if she has cheated before she will more than likely always cheat...... you may as well find happiness else where as she clearly has no respect for you. Im sure it would be really difficult for you to leave her and you cant imagine life without her.....but you have a chance of being happy and loved again if you move on without her.... think about it. Why love someone who dosent love you in return and is only destroying what little self esteem and self respect you have left. The hardest path to take is always the best path in the end.....good luck

Answer 9

Dump her already, she has a problem staying faithful. As for her current "friend" he isn't going to tell you, "Oh yeah I'm jumping your wife's bones." Your call to him may of scared him off but knowing that your wife has a problem being with just you, she will find someone else sooner or later.

Answer 10

She said she would go to counseling with you. Do it as soon as possible. At concealing you need to open up and so does she. You might think about going to marriage retreats.

Go for it you have everything to gain from it.