How can I get her back?

Question

I found a letter she wrote to me 6 years ago explaining what we should work on in our relationship, I just did not get it, now I do. Listen to the one you love out of trust, and believe in them or they may not be there tomorrow. What do i do to get her back from her boyfriend of two hidden years. We had been married 24 years and have 6 children. She drinks and is not logical after 7pm. And in the day time she seems sweet and nice. Does she love him or the drink? How do i reach her? She does not live with us she lives with Him for 3 months, her drinking co-worker. Why would a person leave every thing behind?

In the letter she explained that we have drifted because of work, chores, kids and daily activities. We both did not put eachother first, as we did when we started together, just the 2 of us.

Our kids ages are 9,11,13,15,19,21. Our trouble became noticable only after she started working and I think she became influenced by the opions of her co-workers, and then they turned into her suport.

Answer 1

How do you know she wasn't drinking when she wrote the letter 6 years ago?

I don't mean to sound cynical, but hindsight is a mother... IF I had did this, IF I had did that. You could probably contact her and explain your "I've seen the light" discovery, but you run the risk of ...

1. Reaching her man instead.
2. Getting a drunken cursing from her.
3. Receiving a laundry list of how she's much happier

I would leave well enough alone. If she is in a better place and you truly love her; why put some undeserved drama back in her life. Are the 6 kids a factor or where are they now at this point?
If everyone is fine, except you... perhaps you should consider how they would feel should you try to rekindle things.

Answer 2

A person would leave everything behind because they don't think that they are leaving anything behind. Six years is a long time to wait for someone to help working on the relationship. It is a long time to think that the other person doesn't care. A lot of people never realize what they have until it is gone. As for winning her back you know it may or may not work. What did you do when your were trying to win her the first time. Try sending flowers to her at work and doing romantic things like that. Try being friends and see if that helps. You could also try sending her a letter telling her how you feel and make sure she gets it before 7pm. Think about what you would do to get the girl of your dreams and do it for her. If you mean it she will see it and if she still loves you then you will get to her.

Answer 3

Im sorry that you are going through this and I hope this little bit of advice can help. She is having an affair with liquor and that is the hardest relationship to break up because she dependings on the drinks like if she was married to the drink. may be she loves you but you can never knoe that if she does not sober up. You know how people act after being drunk. So the words that come out are not the correct and stable minded person's thoughts . She can also be hiding behind the liquor because she is unhappy too. My advice is take a break about worrying about her and focus on your life and children. She is the one who will have to sober up and check into a rehab. Love can make you overcome any obstacle but it does wear thin when the other person does nothing. Dont let the years wither away try your best to love what life has offer you ...your children. I know it hurts but time will heal a broken heart if she does not straighten up. Best of Luck to you and your family!

Answer 4

Are you sure you want her back???

Do you want her back as she is?… Drinking, and not logical after 7pm?
Do you really need that in your life???

How old are the children? What is her relationship with them like?
I’m assuming that the kids are living with you.
Does she still see them?
If she was forced to make a choice of either the kids or the booze… which do you think she would choose?

I’m sorry I am leaving you with more ‘questions’ than ‘answers’…
It’s just that I think ‘the kids’ may be your key to getting her back !!!
Because I don’t know how old they are, or whether she has custody/access entitlements, I’m not too sure of what to suggest.
If the kids are still young, and she has shared custody and access, it may help to bring her around if you told her that you were going to apply for sole-custody and block all access she has to the kids. Chances are though, that if she is too into the booze, she probably wouldn’t give a damn !!!

If the kids are older, then perhaps it might help for them to talk to her. If they told her how much they miss not having you all together as a family, it may help !!!

What was her ‘drinking’ like when you were still together?… Was there a problem?
From what you wrote, it seems to me that you need to be tackling her ‘drinking problem’. The thing is though, that unless she accepts that she has a problem, you haven’t got a hope in hell of beating it !!!

If you believe that the booze is the main problem, then you, and the kids, need to make her realise it. Once she accepts that she has the problem, you can work together to overcome it. She can get help through Alcoholics Anonymous; you can get it through Al-Anon; and the kids can be helped through Alateen. It is a ‘family’ problem, to be overcome as a family.

I hope I have been of some help to you.
Good luck !!!

Answer 5

Reality check time.She tried 6 yrs ago to invovle you in saving the relationship,you didn't respond appropriately then.It's a bit late now.If she is drinking each evening that tells you that she'd rather be drunk than talking to you.Also the fact that she has been having an affair for two yrs all points to her having emotionally detached herself from the marriage.She probably doesn't love him but maybe he listens to her or maybe she's with him so she can drink without judgement or critisism.All you can do is tell her that you love her,hold your hands up to all your own failings and don't condemn her for hers.Offer her love and support and a safe haven when things do go wrong with her and her drinking buddy.If you have already tried all this to no avail,accept that you have blown it.Move on with dignity and try and create a relaxed home for your children and at least civility with their mother.Best wishes.

Answer 6

Many people go lookin for something that is not present in the relationship that they have. Maybe you should have listened 6 years ago when seh was talking to you. It sounds like she has sun downers syndrome. That is something that needs medication and therapy sessions. You need to get through to her that you will be there and that between the two of you things can get worked out. If seems to me that she may not love this other guy or she wouldnt be drinking all the time.

Answer 7

You can't get her back. You can't make anyone love you, no matter what you do. Move on and lve your life. If she has a drinking problem, she is the only one that can help herself. The more you pine over her and wish you could have her back, the more you are hurting yourself.

IF she ever chooses to come back, she won't want to come back to a moping, sad person. She may consider coming back to someone who seems happy and has moved on with their life. So pick yourself up and start a new hobby, do something with your friends, get out of the house and find joy in your OWN life...

Answer 8

The fact that she has been cheating on you should be enough for you not to want her back. I understand there are many years you have been with her, but if she is going to disregard you and your marriage so easily there is nothing you can do to change the situation. I suggust you get into counseling to help you deal with all the pain you are feeling right now. You have to find a way to move on with your life. Good Luck.

Answer 9

Start the paperwork. You are fighting a losing battle. She needs rehab and she's not going to get it in this situation. You need to deliver the wake up call with the divorce papers. Whether she does wake up or not is not something you can control. You also need a sitdown with the children and lay this out so they know whats happening.

Answer 10

Let her go!! She loves the liquore more than she loves you. And with 6 kids! It's does not matter if she loves him or not. she does not loves you! Because if she did, she could have come home a long, time ago!!