Fear of Abandonment? Others experiences would be greatly appreciated?

Question

My father left my mother and I, when I was 10. Shortly after, they divorced. I am still dealing with (perhaps have not fully dealt) with the pain (I am now 21). I love him and could never discuss this with him, for it would only anger him and further him from me. Have ordered some books on the subject, and doing my best to deal. Basically, I have been depressed and insecure for quite some time and have really delved deeply.

Answer 1

Abandonment is an emotionally stressful experience for the human mind. Especially when you are a child. It can be very close to the experience of losing someone to death.

The mind has survival instincts. Once the mind experiences hurt, it puts a warning flag up to remember what happened to hurt it so much.

Your feelings are valid and natural. Your mind is just trying to protect you from being hurt again.

My suggestion is that you sit somewhere quiet and alone. Close your eyes and pretend you are 10 again. Feel the pain for what it is - unjust and unfair, crying is important. If you can't tell your father to his face, keep your eyes closed and pretend he is standing there in front of you, and tell him exactly how the whole thing makes you feel. Let it all out to him with your eyes closed. Then imagine him crying too and asking your forgiveness. Tell him you forgive him.

After you have dealt with the emotion, rationalise with your mind. Be aware of your thoughts and when thoughts of abandonment rise to the surface, rationalise them. Tell yourself that not all people abandon those they love and that it won't hurt to open your heart up and allow love in.

I have been through a similar thing in life and the above worked for me.

I wish you all the best and if nothing else works, try to get some therapy for it. That helps too!

Answer 2

After a lot of emotional abuse, my mother had cheated on my father for about a year before leaving him. I was 14, and this guy was 19,( I'm 23 now) and my mother was like 46 at the time. She maxed out all of my father's credit cards, and when my dad and her fought, things would fly around the house. there was one incident where my mother was supposed to get the cat spaid, and she decided to buy this fool a $250 tattoo. (about 5 weeks later, the cat died of lukemia, I felt broken after that). It's still hard because my dad is hard to find another woman, and they're still technically married, since divorce is too much money. Right now he's working on abandonment, but I would rather just hit her with my car. If you want to talk about it more, email me. or IM me on AOL (Rabies N Cheese)

Answer 3

When i was 8 my 'dad' ( and i only put his name in quotations because he is undeserving ) left my mom, my brothers, and i for some 17 year old girl and for 3 years wanted nothing to do with us.. furthermore.. my mom went bankrupt and we lost everything.. then she got a serious problem with her hip which she is still fighting to this day, no doctors can tell her the problem. Ever since my 'dad' left i've had alot of problems with opening up to people and trusting them. When i was little i used to be a daddys girl, but now i cant even stand to look at him. I guess one day i just realized that i dont want him to hold me back anymore and that those emotions are old emotions. think that you can't have a really great future if you can't forget the pain of your past.

And yeh, now some of you are thinking "ok ok.. then why wont you forgive him??" because i didn't forget what happend. I forgot the person. i dont know if this will help you at all. im not telling you to hate your father, so dont take it that way .. lol.. im just very bitter towards him, he's a jerk. i just think that maybe you should open up and kind of let it go, take the risk and talk to him, who knows, maybe it could bring you closer.

Answer 4

I know a guy he is a good friend of mine. He was divorced and then married again later. The couple were very very happy untill they leave their state and came to different one. Everything was going good and one day the guy had hire a men and then there life changed forever. Now the couple fights every single day because of the men and the lady has a physical relationship and she ruined my friends' life. But he is still trying to solve his problem on his own. He is not leaving his wife neither he separate with her. They are staying together and I know they will have a good relationship in future. So you must have to be optimistic rather to be pesimistic.

Answer 5

Some people are more susceptible to this than others. You suffered a traumatic loss, and it has stuck with you for 11 years, and likely will influence you for life.

"Blessed are those who mourn". Try consulting this book: Helen Palmer, " The Enneagram". Look for personality type #4. You will find some real help there, because this is better quality knowledge than the "books on the subject"amount to.

Answer 6

First, if you can't discuss it with him. You're not in love with him, even if you "love" him. Also, you should probably try to develop yourself and your friendships before worrying about a serious relationship. You should look for support, but not for someone to just give you a solution. Learn that you will be alright even if you're independent. Then everything else is a bonus.

Answer 7

There comes a point in everyone's life when they have to let go of the things that happened to them in childhood. Concentrate on yourself, get comfortable with yourself, know yourself, improve yourself, and feelings of insecurity will diminish when you let go of the past.

Answer 8

Read Bhagavad Gita and it will help you out of this problem.