Why do we judge others, just because it is a belief we dont necessarily agree with?

Question

I am in love with a married man. Why is it so hard to accept that a married man could love me back. Why does the marriage vows make it impossible for a man/woman to realise they have never really experienced real love before? Why is it so wrong for two people to find love outside of the marriage vows? I dont believe everyone who reads this believes strongly in Christian beliefs, yet that is what the marriage vows are all about...the Bible and its beliefs. I dont want to hear santimonous answers...I want to hear from real people, who understand about "real" life, not the expectations the Bible puts on us. I hate being judged, yet I am loving a married man and he is loving me...do we ignore our happiness and do what others expect of us?....Is responsiblity about others happiness more imporantt than our own happiness? Please spare me quotes from the scriptures..I need to hear from people who are living in the here and the now.

The majority of answers have given me a lot to think about...thank you..it is going to be hard to choose the best answer. I do want to comment however, on the first answer....It made no sense...I am not involving anyone....it is your choice to answer, thats why people post questions on Yahoo dipstick. And the one about South Africa was absolutely ridiculous....fancy showing your ignorance so blatently.....buy yourself a dictionary loser. But thank you to everyone else for their honest comments..

And to the young girl of divorced parents, you are very bitter, and you are blaming only one parent...you call me selfish, what about you....your parents are human beings too with needs, not many people "cheat" as you put it for no reason, there would have been problems in the marriage and you need to see that...everything is not black and white. All the answers are not in the Bible, maybe thats why you have had such a hard time. Why dont you go see a counsellor for your problems...open up your mind a bit and learn everything does not revolve around you. Forgiveness is a huge theme in the Bible....I suggest you start to understand what that means. Does it mention being human in the Bible...I cant remember?

Answer 1

We judge others in every relationship we have, whether its casual, intimate, or only an acquaitance. We each have our own value system of the things we believe in.

Now, to the meat of your problem. I have no doubt that your feelings for each other are genuine, at least from your point of view, however, step back and see what you really have in front of you. You are in love with a man who is lying to his family, and his spouse, rather than being a man and doing the honest thing, which would be to get a divorce and pursue a relationship with you, he is perfectly comfortable deceiving his wife and possibly you as well since he gets what he wants from you without you having any assurance that you would have a future with him.

The fact that he has no problem deceiving others would give me concerns about his honesty and sincerity. If he will cheat on her, how long before he will cheat on you? You are in a no-win relationship with him as long as he is not willing to approach it honestly. If he is not happy in his marriage, he should at the very least, seperate from his wife and begin divorce procedings. That would be the honest approach. Trust is very important to the success of any relationship. He has not demonstrated that he is trustworthy. It seems that your infatuation is clouding your abiity to make a reasonable judgement based on the facts . I'd step back from this one and insist on his being open and honest. n my opinion, you will wind up very unhappy in the end, you will never be able to trust that he isn;t cheating on you when you start getting suspicious excuses for his whereabouts. Honesty is key Take it from a man who knows, if he doesn;t respect you enough to seperate from his wife, then he will not respect you enough to be faithful to you either.

Answer 2

Married people find love outside of their marriage every day. This is part of the reason the divorce rate is so high here. The other reason is we get married before we really know the difference between love and lust. But that's another story!

The dictionary says a vow is a solemn promise. Catholics say a vow is a promise made to God. Either way, breaking a vow is a serious matter.

You are being selfish. You want to be happy but don't care about the wife and children that will be left behind. And if you steal this woman's husband, what guarantee is there that he won't tire of you and find "true love" in another, again?

If he truly loves you, then why hasn't he divorced her and married you? Are you sure it's love and not a mid-life crisis?

We judge you because what you are doing contradicts what we were taught. We are playing by the rules. You are cheating.

Look, everyone is tempted. Many resist. Many do not. You are asking us to condone what you do. I can empathize, but I cannot condone it.

Answer 3

You are only trying to justifywhat you're doing although you know it's wrong. You didn't mention if this man has children or not but that would be the first problem- if he has children with his wife you are ruining his childrens lives. You don't care about the wife, because you could also be ruining her life too. And the statistics show that when a man cheats on his wife with another woman he generally doesn't ever leave his wife because no matter what he says to you he loves her. Marriage isn't exclusive to christians, and they aren't the only ones who have strong feelings about commitment and promises that people make. You have some nerve you really need to leave this man and find one of your own.

Answer 4

I think that if youtwo are really in love then you should either cut ties with each your significant others or cut ties with each other. It's no tfair to anyone to have them live a life of deceit. Of course in reality he probably won't leave his wife, nine times out of ten they never leave. I have been in the situation before, and it really sucks, but I will tell you that even though I thought we had something great and it was hard to leave him alone and continue with my life where I would be the only one, if I look back to that time and he told me he was married, I would not have started a relationship. When a man says they are married, you should look the other way, because later down the road you may be the wife and getting the phone calls saying they are working late and you will always have reason to doubt his words to you. When someone cheats in any respect to be with you, you will be jealous and have fear in the back of your mind that he is always cheating or when is it going to be your time to get booted aside. It isn't worth it for the mental sanity part of it, many people will agree a good honest loving relationship is founded by two single people. Please consider the ramifications before continuing with this. You are a wonderful woman who deserves to be treated like a queeen and live free from the worry that your mate is cheating and that will come from continuing this relationship. good Luck!

Answer 5

I think that every person's most important goal in life is to be happy. If you are not happy in the relationship you are in, you should get out of it, as nothing good ever comes out of staying in a relationship that has no meaning behind it anymore. Whether he is married or not is irrelevent. Marriage doesn't mean a thing if there is no love left to support it. I have been in your situation before, and let me tell you, it's not easy by any means, but if you really love each other, than you should be together. The guy I was seeing was married, and he left his wife for me. However due to circumstances beyond our control, we were not able to stay together forever as we had planned. We did have a wonderful two years together though. Don't worry about what other people say, as they are most likely unhappy in their own lives, but don't have the guts to do anything about it. And there are always going to be people who are stuck in their bibles and believe everything in life is a sin, but you can't let them get to you. So, let me leave you with this----"The mind knows only what lies near the heart"----Hope this helps, and I wish you all the best.

Answer 6

I will not judge you, you can do that for yourself and probably be a lot harsher than anyone else would be. It is not impossible for a married man to love you. You have to search your own soul and ask yourself the hard questions about what you believe and what price you are willing to pay. There are too many "what if" questions to be asked and only you and your lover can answer them honestly. You must be willing to accept the answers.

Answer 7

I truly understand where you are coming from, and I think that it is possible for people to find love outside of marriage. Marriage is a relationship built not only on trust but on the need to be together. Just like with any platonic relationship, there needs to be a mutual respect that if you really care about that person, you will stay with them because you truly want to be there, to support that person and be with them regardless of any problems they experience together. If he doesn't feel that way about his wife, than I think that he shouldn't be with her because worse than a divorce is a person who is with you out of obligation. I think you should also ask yourself if you are truly in love with this man, because part of being in love with someone is wanting the best for them despite your own selfish wants.

I'm not judging you- I applaud you for being in love, but honey no one ever said love was convenient or fair. Sometimes you have to reign in your heart to do what's right.

Answer 8

Just remember that you are loving a cheat If he will do it with you then suppose you two get married to live happly
ever after wow But then again he cheated on his first (or is it)wife why wouldn't he cheat on you,,think about it .
that happened to me THE HUSBAND of a cheating wife
the let down is terrible
My advise is enjoy the moment if thats what you want but don't plan to far ahead

Answer 9

Well I have been there and done that.So I know how you feel.She was married and so was I.But we were in love with each other and I still love her and she still loves me.I have not seen her in over ten years.I think the only thing that I am trying to tell you is you have to make a choise or keep it the same and don't get caught....

Answer 10

What goes around comes around and every dog has his day, people like you are obviously very desfunctional and selfcentred and selfish, who don't mind tearing the rug from under a happy family. I'm a child of the same situation, because of my fathers cheating they devorced and because of their devorce, I went trough a hell for all my life, but for a person like you - you wouldn't care anyway what anybody says, that's why there is a special place for you when you kick the bucket, so break up when you can and pray to God for forgivness, while you still can.

You asked to hear from real people here it is.