What do I do wrong?

Question

I was in a relationship for 5 years with a man and married for three of these, I looked up to him and respected him for what he was.

However, he turned jealous about me talking to my family and friends and tried to turn me against them. He controlled my spending so some bills didn't get paid resulting in heavy bank charges and penalties, sending me into debt.

He accuses me of cheating and threatens to gain custody of our daughter. Although he isn't physically violent I feel battered and bruised with his agression.

What did I do to start this and / or why has he changed?

We have now seperated but the accusations and harassment hasn't stopped

Answer 1

In one word......CONTROL. You may not see it yet, but you are so much better out of this situation. Grab your life back darling, and make the most of it. Let the accusation and harrassment go over your head. Its his silly little games trying to make you feel awful about yourself, lowering your confidence so that you will become the dutiful little wife and play house with her mouth shut all day long. Celebrate.....Your free.

Answer 2

You have done nothing. Even if you had done something as bad as have an affair, there is no excuse for your husband to bully you in this way.

So something has changed with him. Is he drinking or on drugs? Or does he have an as yet undiagnosed mental problem such as manic depression? Your husband's behaviour accords with the kind of unreasonableness associated with excessive drinking, drug taking or manic episodes.

If you suspect the latter go to www.bspso.org where you will learn a lot more about this condition. If your husband is in a manic phase there is nothing you can do about it as he will deny that there is anything wrong - which is typical. But he may crash and that's when you need to step in and support him and get him to a doctor with experience of manic depression (or bipolar disorder as it is also called).

In the meantime, keep yourself out of his way, don't engage with any of his accusations and arguments (which are part of the manic behaviour - the adrenaline they promote helps keep the BP person high, a state they love by the way) and keep yourself safe.

Answer 3

Stay calm and write down every accusation after about 10 of them each additional one will reinforce your case that he is a loony. I also had the same problem, jealous men are insecure and although there is no violence, you are already becoming mentally battered by him. You could always call is bluff, tell him you're going away for a month long (get your head together) trip and he should look after your daughter in that time, which you'll say you've thought about and think it would help get you used to being alone. (a lie) He'll panic and say no, if he says yes, take a month out inform legal advisers you are trying to be amicable with this gesture and get him to sign an agreement that he will take good care of her (for a month) This will at least make you look like you are thinking about all parties.

Answer 4

Backtrack and find the point where he began changing. It might not even be you, but people do not change for no reason. Look into his past for trauma that something recent might have unearthed, or his work environment for anything major. If your social circles were separate, check with his friends.

However, note that you say you looked up to him and respected him, not a word about love or affection. You also refer to him as 'he' and not as an ex-husband or any other name that could express emotion. Just something to think about.

Answer 5

Your partner has an illness that requires therapy - counselling and possibly psychotropic medicines. You haven't done anything wrong; he hasn't really done anything wrong either - this has happened to him and you are the recipient of the fallout.

Get a lawyer and have him make it a condition of the separation (or divorce) that he obtains medical help. These days the courts are quite aware of these problems and are much less inclined to say "oh it is just your word, you just want out".

Good luck

Answer 6

it's probable that you have done far less wrong than you think, in fact I doubt that you have done anything wrong at all

I'll bet you have convinced yourself that everything is your fault haven't you? I really do think that you have probably suffered emotional abuse.

The single thing that I would advise you to do is to PLEASE go here and read

http://www.womansavers.com/relationship-articles.asp

If any of this seems familiar, then I'm sure it will help you. I think you have been the victim of an emotional abuser. This is a very cruel form of abuse, that can leave you traumatised. The scars from emotional abuse take longer to heal because they effect your mind, self worth and self image.

Secondly, I think you need some support, and legal advice

please try

(UK) http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Resources/helplines.htm

There are people who can help you, but please read the articles I showed you and you will be able to understand and make sense of what has happened to you. You did not do this to yourself, somebody else did it to you, so stop blaming yourself

think only of yourself and your daughter, get information support and help, be empowered and protect yourself from this man and the terrible damage that he has done to you and your child can and will stop.

take care

S
x

Answer 7

he hasnt changed its just you didnt know the real man people like him are insecure about themselves and there relationships so to try to overcome this they pass there own lack of self esteme and lack of confidence onto someone close to them some one who they are terrified of loosing in the hope that by dragging your self worth and confidence down to a point where you believe you are worthless and how lucky you are that this amazing man stays with the likes of you when he obviously thinks he can do better ,so you have only made the mistake of loving a man and unfortunatly not really knowing who he was capable of being so chin up look forward dont fall for the ive changed sob story people like him never change there will be happiness for you but dont chace it it will find you

Answer 8

You did nothing to make him like this, it was in him from the start and the more you let him get away with it the more in control he will be. I left my ex when my first daughter was 10 months (2years married) unfortunately I went back and suffered another 23 years of mental abuse until I woke up one morning and said no more and never returned! I now have a wonderful partner with whom I share life with but it has taken time for me to come to terms with the way my life was and not accept responsibility for everyone and everything as I was twisted to believe. Please keep away from him and start your life again without his interference. My ex still tries to play mind games with our kids and myself at times but the longer I'm out of it the more I realise what he did!

Answer 9

No he has not changed he is just showing his true colours. Its certainly NOT your fault. He would like you to think that I am sure!

Was he extra extra romantic and nice to you at the start? Its called grooming and the rest is emotional abuse. It takes away all yourself esteem and makes him feel like the big man that he is not. Like a playground bully.

He can t take your child. Women (In UK) nearly always get custody of their children except in extreme circumstances. You can take out an injunction if you tell a solicitor that he is verbally abusive. He stands to lose everything not you. Screen your calls and keep him out of your life!

Answer 10

duno what happened to turn him this way, but you are so much better out of it! As for gaining custody for your daughter - Id be very disturbed if he did manage this, I think you need to file complaints or something against this guy, as right now in a courtroom, you look like the inferior parent due to the debts amounting against you etc etc.
Id enlist prefessional help here - I wish you all the luck in the world on this one