Can I be gay AND homophobic?

Question

I'm dating a 28 year old and i'm 19. I'm much older than my years but why is it that I can go to gay bars with friends but detest going with my fella. Is it possible that i'm homophobic or just jealous. Serious answers here. He has a past in the local area and I hate to see him dancing around like a queen. I'm quite comfortable with who I am but just don't like the scene. He's older so i'm trusting he's got it out of his system and might give it all up but.....
In fact it makes me sick to think of him possibly having a seedy past (p.s. i've been no angel myself)
Anyone wish to apply to Freud theory on me?

Answer 1

YES. you can.

trust me, my best guy friend was.

turns out, the homophobic part was more like a front though, because he so afraid of admitting to himself (and others) that he was actually gay.

Answer 2

Hi,

Before I came out I was very homophobic, I didn't want gay guys anywhere near me and the though of going to a gay club was not something I was prepared to accept.

However after coming out and with the support of friends etc I had a good time.

I know where youre coming from with your partner. When I was young I had the same sort of feelings about my fella at the time. It was jealousy I realise now as he had had a past where I didn't. The thought of him doing something before me was not an easy one to accept but you've got to learn to that most people you date have a past and that's exactly it a past. As long as it's not still hanging about with them I can't see a problem.

I seriouslythink it's a jealous issue here. Have you tried talking with your boyfriend to let him know, you may find it'll help. Perhaps you need him to actually tell you you've nothing to worry about. I mean he wouldn't be with you if he didn't like you would he?

Answer 3

It can be interesting when someone thinks they are much older than their years. Maturity comes, especially in males, seems from two avenues. Knowledge is the first, and it is not something you can rush. It has only been seven years since you BEGAN developing conceptual thought process, and it will be 11 years before you reach full physical, emotional, and hormonal maturity. You whole view of the world will change than, especially you view of how you thought and did things now.

At this point in your life, you are unsure of yourself, and your place in life and society. And it doesn't matter whether you are gay or not, it is normal. Being gay throws in a whole different aspect. Dating or living with someone much older than yourself, complicates things even further. He is much close to be fully mature than you are. It seems like you life is centered around the gay life style, when what you life should be centered around is making your place in society. What are your goals and your dreams? What are you career plans? This relationship should not be the most important thing in your life. There will be plenty of time for that, once you have matured.

Answer 4

Well, first, to say you are gay and homophobic is to say you hate yourself. Do you really? Obviouslly not, as you say you like yourself the way you are.
Second, it seems though you take the example of one particular man, someone who is dear to you. Well, people are different and noone says being gay is necessarily acting like a queen. You should build a gay indentity for yourself...
Third, beiong couple with different views on homosexuality style does not mean you cannot be together (btw homosexuality is not only style if it is at all, for me it is not). But you should be clear on these things...
Four, Freudian thing... you hav most of your answers, you are attracted by older men for two reasons: you are too grown up mentally to adhere to gays at your age (though it is a bit pretence of yours, you remind me my own realtionships); second, you have a little identity problem, you want to develop your personality too fast, being an adult, but don't know exactly how, so you choose to thrust someone older. It is not good method I must say and it is almost always with dramatic consequences, for you should take the respoinsibility for yourself. Hope you won't take this as offense...
Feud is not exactly for your case.
Make your own choices, be yourself and be ok first with you and than with the others!

Answer 5

Many gay people are homophobic before they come out and I suspect you're not "all the way out." This doesn't sound like jealousy though. It sounds more like you aren't getting what you want from this guy, and from the sound of it, probably won't. Trust me on this: 28 is NOT older and has nothing to do with what he has or has not gotten out of his system. Try looking for possibilities in places other than bars. There are many gay men who want nothing to do with the bars. Good luck!!!

Answer 6

Your partner's past is exactly that - the past. Don't worry about what he's done, it was his life and he cannot change that. Look to the future with him if you feel he's the right one for you.

When he's up dancing, join him, don't sit and worry about anything. You should be proud of him and make an effort spending time with him. He might dance round like a queen but that's just how he wants to express himself.

Are you out to everyone? Or are you a closet case? It sounds to me like you're a little in denial of yourself. Accept who you are, and don't worry what others think.

Stop worrying so much!!!!

Answer 7

I don't believe you are homphobic, I never felt comfortable on the scene but it does not make me any less gay.

I do believe you are jealous, for pete sake, he is a 28 year old gay man, of course he has a past. I suggest you get over it

Answer 8

Yes you can be both, not that you are scared of who you are because you seem pretty certain, it sounds like its other people who scare you because when you are out with your fella you know that they could be aware of his past, this happens in heterosexual relationships too.
Try not to worry if you like this man for who he is keep seeing him, maybe try going to non "gay" clubs and going out in places you might enjoy more.
If you don't think it is going to work find someone who you can feel more comfortable with and who enjoys doing the same things as you.

Good Luck with whatever you decide to do.

Answer 9

Dislike of female adult males ? homophobia in actuality, to declare it is to precise prejudice and create stereotypes. Homosexuality is a genetic sexual orientation, no longer a character. to signify that a loss of classic masculinity is by some skill endemic to homosexuality is basically as incorrect as asserting rap song, ebonics, and athletic prowess are community to blacks. i do in comparison to adult males that act like ladies. That, besides the fact that, does no longer mean I actually have a concern with gays and am by some skill self-hating or homophobic. It basically skill i do in comparison to adult males that act like ladies.

Answer 10

Matthew S,
This is just my opinion. You'd better stop what you ae doing until you get this straightened out. You seem so conflicted. Does your conscience bother you? If it does, STOP. Your mind is telling your heart something. Get connnected. You can start once you've figured it out, but come on!

You and this guy are not a match. So what is it? Convenience?

It might take an hour, it might take three years, but you have to bridge this gap of misunderstanding that you are having with yourself, or you will carry your conflict to something worse. Just slow down and understand YOU.

Answer 11

I don't think that your homophobic at all. Despite popular opinion there are plenty of gay, lesbian and bisexual people who HATE the "gay scene"

And no one likes the idea of their lover having a "seedy" past. It is actually quite normal.