Abusive men and thier wives......why?

Question

Do the wives who stay with these men for life some how get off on the violence?

Whats up with the dynamic I am at a loss .

My wife's family is very stange the father was extrodinarily mean and yet they are together . My wife claims he got off on making her watch him abuse her and the dog etc but dad never hit mom ( I really don't believe he didn't ever hit mom - seems unlikely to me)

But if she is right and he got his jollies from making her watch what was her part in the dynamic.

I am going to try to encourage my wife into turning this all over to the Crown and hopefully the Crown will make these people's lives hell - But I want some help to understand how the pschology of this mess works

Okay from my simple family of uneducated farmers - You go to the cops and you go to the Crown and you insist they do the damm job they are paid for -

But thank you all for the answers - I always knew she had been abused but when it comes up I am sooo confused as to it.

zelgadiss
Level 3

Thats odd logic. I am afraid several of my good empoyees will leave and I will be stuck with the bad ones (again) by your thinking all I need to do is whack the good ones in the head a few times and all will run smoothly?

These are people not an old radio where a good smack might actually help -

People who do not get along are better of leaving somtimes - how does violence enter into this? The absence of evil (or in this case abuse) does not imply the presence of good

Answer 1

Read Eric Berne's "Games People Play" and then his last book, "What Do You Say After You Say Hello."

Take a long, cold, slow look at the "Script checklist" at the end of "What Do You Say After You Say Hello." The answer to your question is there, somewhere.

Be careful with this. Go slow and take your time. Follow my advice and you are powerchugging an oversize pitcher of wisdom.

Answer 2

Most men who abuse ,make women think that there is no way they can ever get away from it. Noone else would want them, noone else cares, they can never make it on their own. Or even by telling the woman if they leave they will be killed, that there is no safe place to go.

After being told the same thing over and over again the women start to believe it and stay in the abusive relationship because they honestly don't think there is anything better out there.

Answer 3

Well. I have a rather strong opinion on the abusive men. I came from a very abusive relationship (both mentally and physically). My dad was abusive to both my mom & I. But,to this day,she has stuck by his side through it all. The abuse stopped. Honestly,I swore that I'd never allow a man to treat me the way my father treated us, and I will forever have resentment bc of all he put us through. BUT,I completely understand why my mom is still by his side. It's a loyalty thing. When a woman is abused, the mental aspect of it is more damaging than the physical. The man is obviously controlling,and the usually puts it in the wife's head that she must stick by his side bc even tho he hurts her,he's a good man for w/e reason (financial stability,good dad,never cheated,good looking,etc...). Abused women believe whatever the man says and they have NO self esteem,so they feel obligated to stay. Who else would accept them the way he has. It's sad,very very sad. Breaks my heart.I hope this helped.

Answer 4

If your question is why do women stay with men who abuse them, I feel qualified to answer this, having been abused.

The psychological element to abuse far outweighs the act of physical abuse, which heals on the surface.

Psychologically, the abuser spends an enormous amount of time isolating the woman, over time, ensuring that she believes that she is worthless, that her beatings are her fault for being imperfect and dumb and for making him mad. That she will never be able to survive without him to "take care of her" and will never find anyone else because she is so awful, stupid and ugly, nor will anyone ever believe her. And, in the improbable case that someone does believe her, he will kill her, AFTER he has hurt or killed everyone close to her, including parents, siblings, children, friends etc. etc.

This psychological torture alone keeps many women with their abusers for years, often lifetimes.

I can't comment on your wife or her family or her situation, which sounds horrific, but I certainly hope that she gets justice and closure.

Answer 5

I think it because a woman wants to be loved so badly, because she isn't
getting it anywhere else.....that the first @sshole that comes along and tells
her what she wants to hear, she's hooked. Abuse has a "cycle" to it.
1) The Calm. everything is hunky dorey.
2) The Tension Building ( he's getting restless, and angered easily ).
3) He explodes with violence......And verbally and physically abuses woman.
4) The Honeymoon.......Begs forgiveness, gifts, promises never do it again.

As a result, of this constant barrage of attacks....the woman begins to feel
she is worthless, unlovable, can't make it on her own. Because he has
drilled all this crap in her head. It becomes a "stockholm synrdome". They
seriously feel stuck, and see no way out, they are to afraid to leave...& to
afraid to stay......( there's alot more to it..too ).

Answer 6

Some men abusive their wives because some men have no heart or maybe they love their wives to much. Also i think it could be that the men have a very high temper! Usually its because men are very sensitive in what your say or do around them.

Answer 7

When someone is abused so badly for so long, they become brainwashed. They are made to beleive that they wont be able to survive w/o thier abuser. They are made to feel worthless. Thier abuser makes them feel completely dependent on him. This is how he controls them. And its very difficult to get them out or talk them into getting themselves out if they have lived that way for so long.

Answer 8

It's usually Sadism or Stockholmes Syndrome, but I'd say she's pretty messed up. I know why they want to leave, but what I can't figure out is why women who have loving and supportive husbands, who NEVER hit them or abuse them, leave? makes you wonder if abuse should be required to keep a marriage in check.

Answer 9

i was once in an abusive relationship and i think the reason why i stayed for so long was low self-confidence. didn't thnk i could get anybody else. Boy was i wrong!
One day i just got tired of it though and took charge of my life.

Answer 10

Some people are gluttons for punishment and some have such low self esteem that they think they actually deserve to be abused because they think they can't do any better.