I love her to death and I miss her so much, I have talked to her on the phone, not by her choice, I call her at work. We have been married for 12+ years and she suddenly left while I was at work a few days ago. She says that she was miserable for 12 years and she stopped drinking 5 months ago and changed. I asked her why she stayed with me for 12 years if she was miserable, and she replied that she was young and stupid, (she is 12 years younger than I, she is 34 now). I have never even yelled at her but I do admit that I neglected her and spend too much money, mostly on things for us, not going out. Sometimes I'd rather watch TV than have sex with her, which was wrong. I do really love her and want her back. I will love her like she could never expect. Her leaving is an eye opener and I would get rid of every TV in the house just to have my best friend back. I am going through so much gut wrenching pain without her. I don't know what to do to convince her to come back home to her lover
2006-09-07 16:15:22 · 18 answers · asked by sharkscue 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Honestly, she probably became miserable when you started treating her differently. And I have to say 12 years is a long time to keep taking what is making you unhappy. She was obviously commited to her marriage!!! But she took it for as long as she could. She chose to make a change in her life & start feeling like a woman again. You can't blame her for that. Once again it rings true...'You don't know what you got til it's gone'. But for you to see what you did wrong....admit it...own it...& now want desperatly to fix it is applaudable. But for her to trust in you again, you are going to have to show her you are sincere. Words don't mean anything to her at this point. She needs you to SHOW her. And if the 2 of you can't get back together b/c of what happened between you, at least you learned a very important lesson. And the 2 of you should deffinately stay friends...hey ya'll shared 12 years together. That can't be erased. Just be patient with her & let her move at her own pace. She needs her space to think about what is best for her. Prove yourself....even if she doesn't come back...she'll know that you are truely sorry & that will make a huge difference for her.
2006-09-07 16:43:35 · answer #1 · answered by paigenstuff 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I feel for you but you can't really blame her. Have you ever heard the phrase "A day late and a dollar short?" . I think this applies to you. How long did you think it would really take for her to decide that she was done? I say that your actions speak louder than words. She was in love with you once, what did you do to make her fall in love with you? I would tell you to stop calling and nagging her, it won't help and will only push her away more. Go to the store find a really nice card (Hallmark sells some really nice heartfelt ones) one that expresses the way you feel. Better yet write her a letter. Explain to her what you've just told us. Send her a dozen roses for a dozen days. (12 for each year) Might get expensive, maybe you should sell a TV or two. lol. After you've poured your heart into it if she still declines leave her alone. Sadly you've waisted too much precious time.
P.S. If you do get back together consider marriage counseling or a book called "Light her Fire"- Awesome information for any married couple.
2006-09-07 23:34:44 · answer #2 · answered by Jes 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know you're in pain, and you answered my thread also, but this is the real deal. Coming from a woman who knows because I've lived it.
There is nothing more painful, then marrying a man that you feel wants you in every way (mentally, physically & emotionally) and he turns cold on you after you make the vow.
Doesn't mean he has to be perfect, but when he neglects you and rejects you, it's extremely painful. I've separated from my husband because of it, and now, I'm feeling more pain too, but mostly because I waited so long (9 year marriage).
I don't know what to say except you need to show her with your actions and maybe she'll have a change of heart. I love my husband even though he's hurt me. However, it eats at a woman's self image when the man who is supposed to love her inside and out, refuses her sexually, over and over again.
I think many men seem to think they get married and that's all. Nothing more. But a relationship is just that.....a RELATIONSHIP. You can't have it be one sided, because it doesn't work.
It's a degrading feeling and yes, it's abuse in it's most basic form.
It may be too late, but I hope not.
OH, one more thing, you're not her lover. If you were, you wouldn't be here. You have to show love to be a lover.
2006-09-08 12:06:25 · answer #3 · answered by wayouthere 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If she hasn't been happy for 12 years and she has finally left, I don't think she will be returning. I realize it's a hard pill to swallow. Sadly, I don't think anything you say or do is gonna make her want to come back. The woman's fed up. She probably thought this over long and hard before she left. I think she's just doing what she thinks is best for her. I'm sure the decision she made to leave, wasn't an easy. Sometimes you just have to accept the fact that it's over.
2006-09-07 23:33:16 · answer #4 · answered by SpittinThaReal 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well that is going to take some major talking between the both of you..
Don't bug her at work it may push her farther away.. Send her a nice letter and explain your self and what you said on here. it may help. that way she won't feel like you are harrassing her by calling her.. she will only talk to you when she was ready..
If it took her 12 years to walk out while you were at work. it is going to take her some time..to even want to talk about it. afraid that you will talk her into coming back..
you neglected her and she isn't going to jump back into that to fast. it is to hard to leave..
and the fact that she left while you were gone. meant she was afraid to face you and tell you that she was going..
take your time and don't rush her..
she will understand your letters better than talkng right now..
good luck.
2006-09-07 23:32:37 · answer #5 · answered by Sandy F 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Awww good luck with that. My parent's are going through something very similar.My mom stayed by my dad's side for 21 years. She was only 19 when she married him...now she's realized she doesn't want to be unhappy anymore and is seperated from him and wants a divorce. Women sometimes rebel,wake up,or just honestly can't do it anymore. Evaluate your relationship and her response to all of it. Do you think she's just upset or doesn't care anymore? Good luck w/everything...hopes it works out :)
2006-09-07 23:20:51 · answer #6 · answered by *Juicy Princess* 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Listen Mr. Lover boy: neglect is the worse form of mental abuse anyone can give a person. If you really and truly love her, then start dating her allover and falling in love with her again. Make her feel important once more.
2006-09-07 23:48:05 · answer #7 · answered by sexonsight 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You may not be able to convince her since you had 12 years to do this and you didn't. Neglect is abuse.
2006-09-07 23:25:07 · answer #8 · answered by Justsyd 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should tell her all that and then get rid of tv's before you try to woo her back. You have your work cut out for you, but I believe you can do it. Pull out all the stops and don't give up. Ask her out for dates, send flowers, cards, whatever it takes.Good luck to you!!!!
2006-09-07 23:24:18 · answer #9 · answered by thrill88 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You'd rather watch TV then have sex with your wife? That's like saying I'd rather masturbate than have sex with my wife. You've grossly insulted her. Face it she's closer to 30 and you're closer to 50. Her response I was young and stupid should tell you exactly where she coming from and where she intends to go and it doesn't include you.
2006-09-07 23:30:30 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋