My 37 year old wife refuses to enter workforce. How can I get her to change?

Question

We have been married 15 years, have two kids, ages 14 (sophomore) and 11 (6 grade). I feel she should at least take some classes to get some skills that would pay better than what she could do now. I also feel it is important for her to work enough to qualify for social security. I feel like she will look to me for all her support for the rest of her life. I do not believe this is right. We have some decent savings, which she thinks is a lot but I do not. I also feel she knows I stand to inherit a good amount and she has concluded she does not have to go back to work. This really upsets me, because that money, if it ever arrives, is not hers. I just feel she has spare time and should use it to make some money, or acquire skills, which would help us. She does not even know how to use e-mail. So there's a lot she could and needs to learn. She insists all her time be there for the kids. But the kids are in school. I feel its time to start a transition. What can I do?

Answer 1

I agree with you! The kids are old enough that they no longer need a stay at home mom and you can't count on an inheritance that may never come...or even be enough to cover any future medical expenses or colleges...and any amount of savings no matter how large can be gone in a flash. If she refuses to earn an income you can refuse her all of the privileges that she can live without...no nails, no pedicures, no dining out, no new clothes, no fancy make-up, no salon hair treatments, no new shoes, no new car, no credit cards, no check-book...Gift cards for the Grocery store and you take over paying all of the household bills so that there will be no pleasures bought with money meant to pay those expenses...and so on. Tighten up the purse strings and simply inform her that she has choices and you'll be more than happy to help her get her education so she can find her self-worth outside the household.

Answer 2

Well, this process will have to be a slow and steady one. Get her on the computer first and have her type up different things.
Have her go on this site and give answers so she can practice her typing. Have her go to Microsoft Word to see how her spelling and grammar are. At this point in time, anyone who cannot type is seriously considered under qualified.
Explain to her that you think it's important for her to start making a new transition and do something new since the kids are always at school. Tell her that she doesn't have to jump right into a job but that she should practice some important basic skills (such as typing) first.
If she doesn't agree, ask a counselor to meet with her or if the two of you are religious, a priest. Any professional (other than you because that seems bias) can probably persuade her to start trying to work hard and learn new basic training.

Answer 3

I agree with you. Let her know exactly what you said here. It's good she wants to be there for the children but they are big enough to do a lot for themselves and she could still be a active part of their lives. Has she thought about what she's going to do when the kids finish school? Ask her what type of job she's interested it. TELL her that it is time she find a job bottom line and you help her look for a job. If she wants to go to school, well show her the way to that path as well. She probably feels since she haven't worked in so long that noone will hire her. Since you are familiar with the internet, let her know that you will assist her in finding employment. Also it will be good if you show her how to use the computer.

Let her know that she can no longer sit at home.

Answer 4

What is she doing while the kids are in school? If she likes decorating, gardening, or cooking you can suggest she seek part-time employment in those fields. For example, if she likes gardening maybe she would like working in the garden center at Home Depot. You could suggest she try a part-time job for starters. If she likes shopping, you can suggest she get a job at a department store where she will get an employee discount.

If she's sitting around watching Jerry Springer and eating chocolate there's not much you can do, but you should have a talk with her about the inheritance.

I don't buy the Social Security argument. That's not gonna be there for any of us. It soundsl like maybe you're planning to dump her. She bore and raised your children, I am not sure what else she is expected to do. It's sort of like you're kicking her out on her butt now that the kids are older. People are reluctant to hire women who have been out of the work force for so long. That's not to say it's impossible for her to work again, but if she isn't motivated in the first place, there's not much you can do.

If you have no pre-marital contract stipulating she would work when the kids got to a certain age, it's not like you can really force her to get a job. And don't think divorce, because for raising those kids all those years with no work history, she will get EVERYTHING!

It's also been well-documented that a child or teen that has a parent to come home to after school stays out of trouble and off drugs. If you can't appreciate your wife at least think of it as an investment in your children's futures.

Answer 5

It sounds like she has been a stay at home mom for most of your marriage. That is a tremendous job in itself. So, be careful when you say your wife "refuses to enter the work force"; she has been in the work force for 14 years. She just doesn't have a pay stub to show it; instead you both have two children that are very fortunate to have a mother who stayed home with them.

So she was wonderful enough to marry, she gave you two beautiful children, she stayed home to raise them (which is a lot less glamorous that some think); but your inheritance is YOURS. Wow. You wouldn't have to talk me into getting a job - I'd get one that started just about the time you came home!

Answer 6

You should sit down and tell her your feelings. Ask her if there's a reason why she's hesitant about joining the outside workforce.

Maybe she's apprehensive because she hasn't worked. She could work part-time & maybe take a class in basic computer training.

She should have some skills because if something happens to you she'll be in big trouble.

Maybe you guys need some marriage counseling for a tune-up.

Answer 7

Tell her that you have been contemplating a divorce. Or tell her you have been thinking about cheating. Tell her you respect women more if they are not like lapdogs. Tell her how much it turns you on to think about greeting her at the door when she gets home from work, and take her jacket, shoes, and rub het feet, and keep rubbing....... Or somply tell her that you will not continue to be used like a work-horse the way you have been. Tell her that you are insulted because you know how much she is capable of. Tell her to take a course or program online to certify in medical transcrpts, paralegal, or some other program. Then tell her you expect her to pay for one of the car payments, or the car insurance or something. Tell her to help lighten the load, and you will have more energy to make her feel like a woman. She might just feel like she has nothing to offer, and that's why she is stalling. Maybe she has low self-worth. As a mother of two, she has already taken on the equivalent of four full-time jobs (2 full-time jobs per child). She has a world of experience to offer. I am not saying to tell her to get a job as a childcare worker (though she would be really good at it aand they need good childcare providers) becuase she might be "done" with little kids for a while, but she definitely has a great sense of rsponsibility and priorities. Help her to see it that way. To build up her self esteem, she needs to accomplish things herself. Sign her up with one or both of the kids for karate classes, or sign up with her yourself for salsa dancing classes. Have her teach swimming classes to kindergarden-age kids at the local ymca. Take her to the local fitness center (bring the kids) and play rackettball. Sign up for short programs, and tell her if she wants to continue, then you need her to help pay for them.
You can either 1-scare her into action, or 2-help motivate her by empasizing her attributes, gentle prodding to make accomplishments, and spending more time with her as a woman, not just a wife and mother.

Answer 8

yes your right but she is so use to being a stay at home mom she probably feels like she will be letting them down if she goes out and do something even though they are in school and can be left alone for a couple of hours she may think different and she is comfortable with spending your $ and your still giving it to her so she may think why should i go out and do something when he is here taking care of me and the kids just fine put a tight grip on your wallet she may think different

Answer 9

My mom worked. She never saw us kids in any of our school plays. She never let us join after school activities because she was always at work. Our dad ignored us except when he was mad and yelled at us. He always said he was the bread winner so he deserves some peace and quiet and we had to leave him alone.

I feel sorry for your wife who denied herself and raised your children for 14 years and deserves nothing from you. Sad.

Answer 10

I cant say I blame her for wanting to be there for the kids. I work full time and take care of the majority of child care and house duties! I am overworked and under apprieciated in every way and my husband is a jerk. Sorry i cant side with you. i am feeling sorry for women right now, but good luck anyhow...