telling the child about his father?

Question

i am seven months pregnant, the father isnt interested but at first after leaving me and telling me to get rid of my baby when he found out he decided he was interested after all. that was four months ago i havent heared from him since and i think my baby will be better off with out him but one day my child is going to ask me who his daddy is and why he left what am i ment to say?

Answer 1

My sons father was abusive and addicted to drugs. I decided when I was pregnant that the best thing for my son was not have contact with his biological father. I talked to the mother of my best friend (who is now my boyfriend and is going to adopt Caden when we get married) and she sadi that when her sons asked about their biological father she was open and honest with them. Told them that he was not ready to be a proper father and he made the decision to leave. Let them know that if/and when he decides to look for his biological father that you will stand beside him and help him in anyway you can. I know its hard to think about and will be even harder when your son is born. You will look at your beautiful baby and not be able to image someone not wanting to be a part of his life.... just make sure that whatever you tell him and whatever you do is always in the best interest of your child. Good Luck and Take Care.

Answer 2

Honesty is usually the best policy in any situation, but there also are situations where a version of the truth could be less painful, especially for a child. The last thing you want is for your child to think his father wanted nothing to do with him, that he didn't love him. You have a long time before you will have to answer this question, who knows what the future will bring. If you don't have someone in your life by then that is a good father figure or if the biological father continues to want nothing to do with your beautiful child, I think the less painful version is that "your father was not ready at the time you were born to settle down and make the commitment to be a good father and since he wanted the very best for you, he decided to stay out of our lives". It's a version of the truth that is quite plausible given the facts you have given - he is not ready to settle down and I'm sure he doesn't wish his baby any harm, so it is a version of the truth. I hope for you and your child that some wonderful man will come into your lives and make all this hurt and uncertainty go away and you may never have to have this conversation at all. Good luck!

Answer 3

I am a father of 2 kids. 1 at home, the other who is now 18 from a previous relationship.

I do know who my 18 year old is but because of such a torrid time with her mother I have not seen her for 14 years.
I do know roughly where she lives but as the absent father I don't think it is right for me to just turn up and say I'm your DAD.

Although this is my problem, please do not put the father in the same position. One day he'll regret it even though it may not seem that way now.
I think you should definitely tell your child when you feel the child is old enough.
I told my other daughter when she was 7 that she had a half sister, although a lot different I know it was the right thing to do.

Answer 4

That is a fun conversation. I was divorced when I was eight months pregnant and the questions have become more frequent in the past couple of years. My first rule is I never put her father down. When she asks why daddy doesn't live with us, I tell her he lives in California ( he does last I knew) or Mommy and daddy just couldn't be together. I don't think she is going to be ready for the truth until she is old enough to ask WHY daddy isn't around instead of just "where is dad". They don't need to know that Dad didn't want them. They can't possibly understand. All they will feel is hurt and blame. None of it is their fault. Make sure your child knows that.

Answer 5

I have been through the exact same situation. My daughter is now 14 years old. The approach I always used is to just be honest with her, and not to give them more details than what they are asking for.
I have always told my daughter that her dad loves her in his own way, that he just is not able to handle being a father. I believe telling her anything else would be harmful to her. I never speak badly about him in front of her. The thing to remember is that this is the dad's fault, not the babies. Do not take your anger or frustration out by telling your child ugly things about the dad, no matter how true they may be.
My daughter has adjusted well, and does not have any anger or resentment about her dad not being around like so many kids that have been abandoned do. She knows that she is loved very much but that he has issues in his own life that prevent him from being here with her. I never wanted to make her hate him, or turn her against him, I believe that would be detrimental to her own mental health. I was also afraid that if I did that then she would one day turn on me and say it's all my fault that she thought so badly about him all those years.
Just try to keep your hurt feelings about the dad out of it as much as possible and you will be just fine.

Answer 6

You have to be truthful with your child when he/she is old enough to ask and understand this question. Don't however put the father down too much or you run the risk of your child possibly contacting him and taking his side as curious, rebelling teenagers/preteens can do. By the time your child will ask this question you will probably have met someone else, who in turn through love for you, will love your child and act as the "Father Figure" your child will love and respect. The main thing to do is to give your child all the love and support they could ever hope for. This way they will grow to love and respect you and the biological father will neither be here or there. Good luck

Answer 7

Wow , we are somewhat in the same boat in 2 situations. The 1st , my sons father was my high school love and when I got pregnant he left me saying he didn't want our son, when my son started to ask for his dad I told him the truth , His dad wanted to come around years later when he saw how sexy I was , lol , and when he needed someone because he was in and out of jail . My son is 7 and knows the whole truth about his dead beat dad and with him being older he knows his dad ain't sh*t without me even saying anything bad . Now for my daughter , she is 4mths old and her father who also was my friend raped me and I haven't seen him or heard from him since , I have a great boyfriend now who took on that responsibility and she knows him as daddy. Now if she asks later on in life I will tell her the truth , if she doesn't ask I won't tell , her daddy now is the best abd thats all she needs to know. All I can say to you is be strong for you and your child and don't worry about it now , enjoy your baby . When the time comes thats when you do something . Just be honest

Answer 8

I know from experience that being truthful is the best way to go. See I didn't meet my father until I was 16 years old he passed away just a few years later but the time I got to spend with him was priceless. So if you and your babys father dont get along thats no reason to deny you child the truth about who his father is.

Answer 9

Be honest but not vindictive. Tell your child that daddy left because he knew that he couldn't take care of you like a daddy should (which is more than likely true). Hold back the venom because someday daddy and child may be able to develop a relationship and it doesn't need to be poised by your anger.

Answer 10

tell the truth. Obviously you will have to simplify it or be tactful depending on the childs age, but the truth is always best.

Dont slag off your ex though, try and explain it gently. You never know when you might get that knock on the door in years to come asking to see his kid. Your child may be 4 or 14, but he or she may well want to know the father, and the worse thing you can do it lie about things, then the father says somethign different, and before you know it, your child doesnt know who to believe and it messes him up.

Truth and tact. Best way of doing it.