my husband has feelings for some one else but I think it is just lust because we have been married for 8 years and we where always happy until this happened he told her in front of me that he doesnt want to be with her. but now it has put a big space between us I forgave him but he wont forgive his self how do I fix the space. we have a new baby to think about and I love him
2006-09-07 09:33:10 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Did I mintion he still is having filling for her he didnt do anything with her
2006-09-07 10:02:00 · update #1
Joint marriage counseling.
2006-09-07 09:34:24 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
The first thing to do in a situation like this is realize there is a pattern to the healing process, first there is a lot of anger, second there may be a period when you have sex with your partner a lot in order to 'stake your claim' or win your partner back, then the real affects of what has happened set in and thats when you know whether it is something you can deal with or not. I didn't realize this and made mistakes and big decisions while still going through this process and they turned out to be the wrong decisions. I feel that if I had known about this pattern I could have seen things more clearly.
As far as continuing the relationship or not you first need to determine whether or not getting over it is something you should do. I saw 7 things that can help you determine this:
Is it an isolated incident or a pattern of behavior? (including past relationships, even if its the first time he cheated on you has he cheated on other gf's)
Does he own it (take full blame) or does he make excuses for why it happened?
Does he REALLY grasp the damage he's done to you and your relationship or does he just pay it lip service?
Is he sorry for the choice he made or sorry that he got caught?
Is he willing to do what it takes to clean up the mess he made, whatever it takes and however long it takes? or does he want to deny it and move on?
Is it out of character for him or is he insenstive about other things too? (respects your feelings, treats you with dignity, etc)
Is it a legacy or a new behavior? did he grow up in a family where this happened? if its what he learned thats a big clue.
Once you've gone through these and IF you determine that the answers all favor a successful relationship then you take it one day a at a time, if its a history or a pattern you leave and realize that it is the idea of the relationship that you 'love' and not the reality, surely you don't define being loved as someone that devestates you emotionally and doesn't care that he did. Finally, there is a question for you, if you reinvest yourself in this relationship and they do cheat will you be able to handle it or would you be emotionally wiped out? Never invest more than you can afford to lose. You have a lot of thinking to do, but don't worry it WILL get better and you will be ok!
2006-09-07 09:36:53 · answer #2 · answered by dappersmom 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Fixed marriages last longer than love marriages because in societies where you have fixed marriage divorce is usually totally out of the question or saved for really extreme cases. In many cases fixed marriage is more of a business or a deal than what we call "marriage" in our society. Sometimes love comes later and sometimes not, but the deal is usually not meant to be broken. I personally prefer love marriage with all its disadvantages.
2016-03-27 01:49:36 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First you have to realize this is going to take time and that there is no immediate fix. Both of you have lost that initial closeness you once had. The first step is to get back to basics. Make time to spend time together. Hold hands, go for walks, snuggle, kiss, flirt, and anything else you used to do. Let your relationship together be the most important and best thing in your lives.
2006-09-07 09:41:15 · answer #4 · answered by rkrell 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
FIRST, You should find out if he still has feelings for the other person. If he does, then he needs to figure out who he wants to be with. There's nothing worse than seeing your man, husband, unhappy and with someone else. If he doesn't have feelings for the other person, then you both should try to work it out by going to marriage counceling. Another resolution is to go to church as a family, with baby, and you both will get through this hard time together. "A family that prays together stays together"
2006-09-07 10:11:24 · answer #5 · answered by Dasja L 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
REMEMBER..how you fell in love. It is going to take time to fix...be patient... Seek counseling..or talk to your church leader, friends, family....(don't let anyone take sides..it should be equal...this is NO...LONGER..about..WHO'S FAULT WAS IT!!!)...Talk to each other.....a lot .....COMMUNICATION..is the key to a happy marriage...as well as respect... We all make mistakes..but deserve a second chance.. I believe he wants to work it out.. ask him what he thinks you two should do..it should be a mutual thing. A relationship is 50 50.....don't stress about trying to give 100%. If he is dwelling on the past..then he will not move on..and that may be a sign..of HIS..insecurities.. Be careful..and ...open your eyes! If you really think you can save your marriage....then give it all you can!! GOOD LUCK!....
2006-09-07 09:41:59 · answer #6 · answered by ..Luna.. *.. ) 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He may have told her that he did not have feeling for her in front of you but sweetie I bet she already knew that he was going to say that. I think that he is still seeing her and loves and cares for you and the baby but doesn;t want to hurt you any more and his guilty conscience is wreckin his mind. I suggest try marriage counseling. If you truly want the marriage to work it is worth a try.
2006-09-07 09:37:26 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stand by him. Make him feel like nothing has changed between you. He is probably just feeling a little insecure right now and really needs to feel more like you still love him. Give him time he will come around.
2006-09-07 09:36:46 · answer #8 · answered by Lelia 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Perhaps counseling? They say time heals all wounds, but I think there needs to be open communications between the both of you in regards to what both of you want for the future.
Good Luck!
2006-09-07 09:36:24 · answer #9 · answered by Kris 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
definately seek marriage couseling... It seems it's for you to get over the fact that your husband had those feelings for someone else, and he feels sooo guilty he don't know how to act towards you. I think a therapist will help you w/ this problem.. Good luck.
2006-09-07 09:40:07 · answer #10 · answered by qbanita0113 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
counceling is not a bad idea... but you need to sit him down and get it all out in the open...... step by step..... ask him why he thought he had to do it..... listen to his answer.... listen to what he says..... dont blame or accuse..... let him tell you what he needs to say, it may hurt, but if you think the marriage is worth fixing then this is something that you have to do..... if you truly do forgive him and want to make it all ok, then tell him so..... tell him what is in your heart...... tell him that in order for it to work, he has to forgive himself too or it just wont work..... tell him that YOU think he is worth the effort and the time and that the family needs and wants it to work...... God bless
2006-09-07 09:39:10 · answer #11 · answered by Annie 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋