How do I convince my friend to dump her married "boyfriend"?

Question

My friend has been involved with a married man for over a year and a half. The man has gone back and forth between her and his wife, playing games with both of them. He stops talking to her for about a month at a time, but she still hangs on. He has talked about getting a divorce but won't even sign the separation agreement.

Her lease is up next month and she is planning on moving to his town which is 6 hours away. He has promised that he will sign the papers and she can live with him. In the meantime, he is still staying at home with his wife and daughter. He acts as though she is not important to him. He's not always available when she wants to talk to him, and feels pressured when she talks abou the papers.

I am fearful that my friend is going to make the biggest mistake of her life by moving up there. What should I say to her to stop her? She always wants what she can't have, so I don't know if she really loves him. But I don't believe he loves her. What to do?

The wife knows about the affair and has talked to my friend a few times. She even broke into his email and then called her trying to convince her that he was going to end it. Then she turns around and tells my friend that she can have him. It's just a big mess but it's not a secret.

Answer 1

Your friend is a fool but there probably isn't much you can do about it. Give this to your friend, that way it doesn't come from you...

You are being duped with the same lies men have used to sucker women since marriages began, don't feel too bad, you aren't the first one to fall for it and you won't be the last but here are the facts.

How can you really love him? You don't have a real life with him so how can you believe that you have real love with him? LOVE is a whole lot bigger than a couple of hours in bed every week. If he doesn't want your love what do you think he does want? SEX!!! The love is an illusion and nothing more.

You are the person he comes to visit when he wants to get off, I'm sorry but of course he is sweet to you....it takes NO effort to be sweet to you the here and there that he steals an hour or two from his family to see you...it would be a whole different thing if you were with him all the time. The fact that he is with you is a huge sign that this is a man who is seriously lacking character, morals, self discipline, self control, and is immature and lacking in impulse control, not to mention that he is a liar and is not capable of loyalty...these are facts, he HAS to have these characteristics in order to be carrying on an affair with you while still actively relating to his wife.

Make yourself a list of the things you really want in a man...are any of those on it? You also MUST remember that if they will do it with you they WILL do it to you. Right now you are fun, you are 'dirty', you are breaking the rules, you are what he is getting away with, and thats what it is for him, if he wasn't getting away with it..if his wife knew and he had to argue with her to see you do you think he would still bother? (NOT) If you were to become the wife that would all change and you WOULD become the one he cheats on and even though you have given yourself permission to do it with him it wouldn't be ok when he was doing it to you, and that is why relationships that start in infidelity fail 98% of the time! The other 2% just figure they deserve to be cheated on.

Do you really think he married his wife and didn't claim to love her, doesn't still claim to love her..I mean really do you think she would be sticking around if he was telling her the same things he tells you about her? Don't you think he told her she was the ONE for him? Don't consider his words, consider his actions, he MARRIED her. I know it seems unreasonable but if you were to talk to his wife you would learn who and what this man really is. This is character and behavior of patterns, it is WHO he is and thats all their is to it! Now what you have to do is think about who YOU want to be..is this it? Do you really want to be someone who is sleeping with someone elses husband? Do you want to settle for a man who isn't really yours? Wouldn't you rather have a man that comes home to you everyday and shares your life, not just your bed? Could you tell your mom about this and not be ashamed of who you are? Good luck to you.

Answer 2

Tell her first, that you have her best interests at heart, and that you don't want to see her hurt. And then give your points:

#1, does she want to feel responsible for causing a father to leave his daughter and a marriage to break up? even if he sees the daughter after the divorce it won't be the same- there will be lots of tension.
#2, if she is serious about a future with this man....the daughter will NOT be approving. Does she want to go into any form of motherhood with hate off the bat? - this was personal experience...my father, younger woman...blah blah
#3, If she did it to his wife, mother of his daughter, what are the chances he won't do it to her. It is statistically proven that 40% of married men cheat- and that is just from men who are CAUGHT. And most men are repeat offenders.
#4, he is not pushing the papers or really showing he wants to be with her. Ask her to get him to co-sign a lease paper first. She will be losing her friends, possibly family, and probably a job.
#5, does she really want to be known by his friends as the hot little mistress? It's kind of a nasty thing to have loom over you.
#6, there are plenty of men that AREN'T married and don't have families...she could start a marriage and family with someone new to her like it. And not someone who seems to be unhappy with marriage and his family.
# Last, because is is just an afterthought, if this is a state where one can sue their partner...you can pretty much bet his wife will do it. Wouldn't you if your husband cheated on you with another woman and left you and the daughter? If so, he will probably lose and be unfinancially stable. Does she want his financial burden on her back? Especially if they are living together. And, even if that doesn't happen- she could STILL have that burden, "Oh well I left my wife for you and you can't just take care of one month's rent by yourself?"

Your friend has a lot to consider- and she is going down the wrong path. Tell her your concerns. And mine, as one with the experience. She needs to seriously think about this.

Answer 3

Yes I married my best friend the person that you marry is suppose to be the one that you can talk to the most and can talk to about things. I think that you should be able to confide in the one you love now isn't that a best friend? Someone that loves you, someone that you can confide in and understands you as well as the same goes in the other direction? If so then I think that everyone marries their best friend and I think that you should to. Now in the case that you are really best friends with someone that you never even dated because of a friendship barrier then I think that you should be very sure of what you are doing. It would be very hard to loose a friend that you are best friends with. But look at it this way it might turn out to be the best relationship that you could ever have.

Answer 4

yeah, she is making a huge mistake but im sure shes not listening to your advice and is pretty head strong about this.
I can't believe some women still do this, it is totally not sexy
to literally "chase" a man, or even a married man at that, unfortunetly, she's gonna do what she wants to do, regardless
of how stupid it is, and as a friend, you'll just have to be there for her when this blows up in her face(and it will). so be prepared for that.

good luck

Answer 5

Wow, she is in a terrible situation and blind to boot! I don't believe there is anything you can do. I assume you've already told her your opinion of this jerk and she doesn't want to hear what you have to say.

The only thing you can do is be there for her when her life falls apart and she really needs her friends. And that will happen, so if you tell her what you think now and she won't talk to you when she needs you, what's she going to do? It's hard, isn't it, to just grit your teeth and let her trash her life?

Answer 6

Seems like she is clueless as to what is going on. That phrase "love is blind" is sooo true. She has to realize this on her own. If he wanted her and only her, there would be divorce proceedings going on to leave the other lady. Maybe she is starved for affection and is with him to get whatever she can. Help her to realize she deserves better and should NEVER have to share a man with another woman. Good Luck

Answer 7

Your friend is playing around with a married man. That makes her scum, and him too. Dump this lady, and let her go to hell on her own. I hope he DOES screw her over. She deserves it. There is NEVER a good reason to play with married people, except when they hide the fact that they are married. But, your friend knows he's married, and is helping to shaft the guy's wife. Her character is revealed, by her actions. Why would you EVER trust her? She is NOBODY'S friend.

Answer 8

Stay out of it, it's her mistake to make. Prepare to offer a shoulder for her to cry on because sooner or later she will. Don't tell her, "I told you so." Your friend is not using wise judgement and life will be her best teacher.

Answer 9

geeez man, you see, you see what happends when you get involed with a married person. At first it is all exciting and cool, but then you actually start having feelings for this person and start believing their lies because that is what he is telling her LIES. He is not going to sign any papers and he is not going to live with your friend, tell your friend to start dating other people so that she can put him in her passed because the only thing that is going to come from this drama is more drama.

Answer 10

You can't.. don't even try. My sister dated a married man for 6 years. I was done listening to it, never mind trying to change her mind. And I wasn't the only one trying, 3 other sisters, and her numerous friends tried..pathetic!