I have been contemplating leaving my husband for about 1 1/2 years, but we have 3 young children at home.?

Question

Is it wrong to stay just for the children. He is a great dad, and I have tried everything I know of. I am just tired of his controlling behavior and his verbal abuse.Any thoughts???

Answer 1

In the 1 1/2 years you've been thinking about leaving him, have you made any plans? If not, start now. Make a plan and stick to it. Start saving some money, if you don't have a job, try to get one or at least try to obtain some skills that would enable you to get a decent one. Leaving takes planning. I put off leaving and just kept being patient. Things got so bad that it all happened in a day and I had no plans and had no money.

Answer 2

I'm not married but I come from a family who's mother put up with this behavior from the father for 17 years, the only thing I can say to you is " It's better to come from a broken home, then to live in one"
I'm 29 now and my mother and father have both remarried, they are much happier now. I have much nicer memories of my parents now, instead of the ones where they were always fighting, mom was always sad, dad was always angry. But no one wanted to leave because they thought it would make the children unhappy, little did they know that the fact that they did not get along had a great impact on our lives. Children adapt very well, all they need is love. If you're not happy then you can't share your happiness with anyone else. Do what's right for you and the rest will fall into place, your children will understand it later and thank you for it. God bless and good luck

Answer 3

It is absoltely NOT wrong to stay in a marriage for the sake of the children.

However, if you feel he's abusing you verbally, and being controlling, then your children are learning that that's okay, that's how husbands should treat wives, how people should treat others.

You're probably asking because you know divorce is rough on kids, and not really that great for them. However, it may well be the best, most healthy option on the table. Try counseling together, or go alone, and be sure you can't work out the problems. Your kids will care that you tried everything you could to fix it, before choosing the less-desirable fix of divorce, believe me.

My parents divorced for much the same reason - Dad was verbally abusive and controlling to Mom, and even hit her on occasion. Divorce wasn't good, but I know they tried to fix things, and it just didn't work, so they made the best possible choice. It matters to me that they bothered to try fixing the problems before giving up.

Answer 4

Please, do not stay for the sake of the children. Children are very smart and will figure out there is tension in the family, and some will start acting up. It is not worth staying. You are not a door mat for your husband. No one deserves to be abused, even verbally. Some times words can hurt just as much. You are an adult and do not need a man to control your every move.
You need to help yourself and your children and leave. There are some women's resource centres in most places that can help with ideas on a place to go or how to get resources. But, be prepared it will be a long and HARD road.

Answer 5

Mental abuse i.e. verbal abuse is the worse kind of abuse there is.......Yes, it is wrong to stay just because of the children. Whether your children are 2 years old or 10 they know that things are not right at home. Even if you do not fight in front of them, your children know when something is not right with mom and dad. Do you want your children to grow up thinking this kind of behavior is ok? Do you want your son to grow up seeing that his dad was a certain way to his mom so this is what he should be doing as well? Do you want your little girl to put up with the same kind of behavior because this is what was normal to her? No, you don't. Your children may not understand now but when they get older they will respect mom a whole lot more because she had enough sense to remove herself from an abusive situation. I know. I have been there.

Answer 6

Chances are, if you have already everything you know of to get him to change his abusive behavior then he doesn't want to change it. You can't make someone change against their will unfortunately. I think it is wrong to stay just for the children, because eventually it is going to too much for you to take and the longer you wait to leave, the harder it is going to be on everyone when you finally do. I am glad the he is a great dad and he can still have as much visitation as you and or the courts are willing to give him, so he will still be in their lives and the kids will get the benefits of having two HAPPY parents who love them very much.

Answer 7

Get out, get out.
I was in this same situation and I moved with my two teenagers. The teens lived this life for years and I could see more and more of my husbands abusing ways in them, they were not happy as was I. It is very very hard to leave even if you are not happy, but once you get out there really is a great big new world waiting for you. Remember the saying...when one door closes another one opens? It is true.
Abusers like our husbands do not change, maybe their tactics but it is all abuse, so please don't stay for your kids sakes, even if he is a great Dad. He can still be a great Dad just not living with you.
I hope you have a supportive group of friends, they will give you the love and support you need to help you through this.
Good Luck, and know that you are not alone.
Remember safety first, always.
Take care.

Answer 8

I was married for thirteen years. I have three children. Ages, 10, 9, and 19 months. I left my husband when I was seven months pregnant with the baby. It wasn't a question of right or wrong . It was about not being able to take it any longer. As scared as I was to leave with two kids and one on the way, I was more scared of staying. It's been over a year now, and I am much much happier and so are my three kids.

Answer 9

The need for stability in a family is pretty deeply ingrained in a woman. Think about this, what are your kids learning watching you let him control and verbally abuse you? Do you have a daughter? What do you want her to know about how a man should treat a woman, and what a woman should take? A son? What do you want him to learn about how a woman should be treated, and what she should take?

My personal experience would suggest that when your daughter grows up and moves in with a controlling, abusive man, and you look back at your life, you will wish you had done something much sooner.

Answer 10

Yes its absolutely wrong to stay for the children. Children learn what love and relationships look and feel like and how love treats the other person from their parents, if you want them to have better you have to do better for yourself. If he's a great dad he'll be a great dad anyway. Your kids are way better off with a happy mom and a healthy environment. Kids shouldn't come with a job, especially not one as big as keeping a marriage together. Besides if they are young it won't really phase them all that much as long as you handle it well. Remember they see things from a kids perspective and don't even know that you two have a relationship outside of them. Its not in their life experience so they have no concept of an adult relationship.

I figured this out when my husband and I split when our boys were young. We were both seeing other people seriously and the boys loved them to bits. One day the boys asked if me and dad could live together again, I (thinking like an adult) said but I thought you loved jimmy and val (the bf and gf) and they said oh they can come too. Thats when it dawned on me that its not about us being with each other, its just about them having access to all of us all the time. DUH, perhaps I should've figured it out much sooner but thats how I got it.

My son is 21 now and even with the love of his life (so far) he refused to be treated like or thought of as less than the good person he is....she was a great girl but was doing typical crap and he said I love you but if you think that little of me I can't be with you.....when I saw that I knew I had absolutely done the right thing! It made me proud of him...and me! He refuses to settle for ever being thought of as something other than who he is and refuses to be treated with disrepect. Thats the gift you can give your kids, and yourself!