Why am i having trouble dating?

Question

I am a divorced mom, 31, blonde, blue, tan, athletic, with one gorgeous daughter. I was married for 10 years and with my ex for 13 yrs.

I have now been divorced for a year and thought I would be well moved on with my life by now. My ex was abusive and is in prison for 15 years for strangulation and domestic battery charges.

Everyone thought I would be remarried by now because I have been told I am great. I am outgoing and funny and love to do anything outdoors and try anything new.

My problem is that every time a guy gets close to me I shut him out and find things wrong with him so i don't have to talk to him again. I feel so different inside than what everyone tells me I am.

All I want is to find someone who would love me and my daughter and not hurt us. I am sooo lonely. I have tried dating and am just to scared.

Any ideas? Live in rural so not much dating available. Internet dating failed - all I get is the weirdos that I don't trust to be around us. Please help.

FYI - have only had two real dates in a year and freaked out after both of them. I want to be close to someone but don't know how to let my guard down after my ex.

Answer 1

The dating pool is rather shallow in heavily populated areas, in your little rural town it's most likely nothing more than small puddle on the road!

Seriously, in rural areas, most people get all of their dating opportunities in school. Out of school are the folks that never got hitched (usually it's easy to figure out why within a couple of minutes of meeting them, sometimes it takes a while) or ended up like your marriage (so you'd have to find the couple of dudes in town that got the coals raked over them by female).

You should SERIOUSLY think about either moving to a more populated area, stop "trying" to date and wait for one of those unhappy couples in town (you know who they are) to split, or get back into the E-Dating thing. Just because you've tried it twice without success, doesn't mean it'll always be that way. Try a different service, and remember to be super careful, but don't let paranoia get in your way.

Answer 2

Yes, you do have a problem. You have had some trauma in your life and subconsciously your mind is warning you to stay away from potentially dangerous situations.

Everyone has had some sort of trauma regarding relationships in their life. Some are more ....some less. I myself have had trauma. One year since you divorce from a very traumatic encounter may not be enough for you to fully commit to another man. You might need some more distance to gain a more healthy perspective.

My advice is for you to get some counseling for you. You need to heal from this obviously traumatic relationship you just left.

Some experts say two years is the minimum time before you can realistically entertain the idea of another relationship.

I know how you feel because you have been alone in the woods for a lot longer then a year and your heart is ready for someone NOW! But your subconscious is holding you back for the obvious reasons.

For now you should get counseling....and make a "life plan". This will detail your "desired end-state", (i.e. retired and in a good healthly relationship by age 55 for example). Once you have that completed then you can seek a man that will help you get to that endstate.

And whatever you do don't settle for 1/2 of what you want. God has given you a "do over" for your life. You are wiser (hopefully) and have a better perspective so you won't fall into another traumatic relationship. You might think about getting out from your present living area (get a new playground etc). Living in the country is great if you already have a partner...but looking for a new partner (where everybody usually knows your whole story) could be difficult. A change of scernery can be very helpful....just a thought.

Good luck

Answer 3

Well, to be honest one of the problems would probably be the fact you said "My problem is that every time a guy gets close to me I shut him out and find things wrong with him so i don't have to talk to him again. I feel so different inside than what everyone tells me I am." You can only be you. Everyone can't tell you who you are. Only you can answer that. The key to any dating is to be yourself and not to try and force a relationship when there isn't one. Especially with a little one, you shouldn't change your values just to suit someone else and can't expect them to either. If you legitimately find things that are incompatible with a possible bf, then that's fine but if you're shutting them out because you're afraid of getting too close, then that's bad. It's difficult to pick yourself up from a past relationship but (and I hate to say it) some things just have to happen and will happen. You've had the bad relationship so you've seen what warning signs to look out for. Internet dating has it's horror stories but it also has it's success stories so it doesn't hurt to keep looking there. Just keep your chin up.

Answer 4

You seem to have a lot of things going for you except one and its a good one and that is you are not a risk taker which can work against you.

Now, I truly understand when you have a daughter that you cannot take any risk but everything in life is a risk, like leaving your house can be a risk , working can be a risk so in order for you to meet someone you will have to take a risk.

But in saying so, when you see red flags end the relationship and since you have a history of being able to do so you shouldn't have a problem.

If your meeting guys and shutting them out your meeting people but with your insecurities you can't look farther into a relationship with those guys and until you allow yourself to be more open, your going to have problems with holding on with who you meet.

As far as weirdos, then you know to let them go and don't give them any of your time but eventually if you continue to open your mind to meeting people you will strike gold as long as you notice when you do. Good luck and keep protecting your daughter and yourself because in this world you never know who paths we might cross. Good luck,

Answer 5

It's only natural to be guarded after being in the kind of relationship you'd described with your ex. It's really a question of how long will it take you to start letting people 'in'? Hopefully not too long. It'd be a shame for the right guy to come along now and for you to shut him out, not because of anything he's done or will do, but because of things your ex did. You should explain to anyone you start to get close to that you have a problem letting people get close to you and that you want to take things real slow. Hopefully this won't be a problem. It won't be a problem for 'the right guy' that is for sure. Ideally this will give you ample time to get comfortable with him and let him know that you need this time and to not push you too hard in moving foward with the relationship.

Answer 6

This might be risky, but have you ever thought about moving out of state. A fresh start might just do the trick. About finding a man, when you're most looking for someone, they're never to be found. It's when you're not looking for anybody that fate just might smile upon you and bam! Good luck.

Answer 7

You sound pretty hot. Maybe you can talk to a counselor. Internet dating is very questionable. Good luck. My brother did the e-harmony thing and found someone.

Answer 8

one year is not that long, you have issues that you need to work out and not to rush into something your not ready for take your time.your still young and sounds like good looking too. I know it is hard,and there are times you need to talk.the internet is np way to find true love. Friends yes. If you need some one to talk to and want to be friends click on my pic and email me or contact me on my 360 page, I have several friends that are like you and they are intertaining and interesting, well be looking for you mybe.

Answer 9

have you noticed any kind of patience for men before? if your answer is no then try it now and God will reveal you a wonderful husband.
one other thing too is that God dont like divorce so pray over it if your ex husband will come back. please try to do it and i bet you that your dreams will come true.
best regard

Answer 10

wow...
first.......what you want is to feel *safe*, which is what you can't get when you date!

second.....dating to *get* something or to find out about a person?

third.....try not so hard, OK? It's like not immediately that you need another creep, so be careful - not afraid!