I just don't "get" it!?!?

Question

I have this feeling that mothers who breastfeed and co-sleep look down on mother who do not. Why is that? Do these mothers feel that they are superior because they do all of these things? I understand the point of disagreeing but some people can get down right ugly in this place. I do not breastfeed and I do not co-sleep unless I have to. Does that make me a lazy or selfish parent? If people don’t do things normally it is for a reason that they feel comfortable with. I also sometimes think women who do these thing feel they should get commended for their decision to breastfeed or co-sleep? Have these thing turned into some kind of a great motherly thing to feel ever so proud about? By all means I’m not saying all mothers who breastfeed are like this but the majority I’ve spoken with are like this. Can someone please enlighten me on this??

This is for "vixenmom"---just so you know the reason why I didn't breastfeed is because when my son was born my husband was in Iraq...I was depressed and I wasn't up for it. I had to deal with everything by myself...it was too much to handle. And no, I don't think breastfeeding is what people should do like you said it's a personal choice. I'm am a very emotional person when people doubt me on my parenting skills because I did it all---myself for the first four months. I did a damn good job too!

Answer 1

I've noticed a lot of women like this, too--they think they're better somehow because they breastfeed and co-sleep. I didn't do either, and I don't feel bad about it. I didn't breastfeed because I couldn't (not enough milk and also I take an anti-seizure med. that was unsafe for my babies), and as for co-sleeping--my bed is my bed, and my bedroom is the ONE room in the house that's off-limits to my kids. It's my "safe haven" if you will. They have the run of the place, and I think I deserve one small corner of my home that's all mine--free of sticky finger prints, crayon scribbles, sippy cups, etc. The main reason I dind't co-sleep was that I was terrified I'd roll over onto them when they were infants. I did have their bassinets in my room for a while. With my first son, it was for 6 weeks, and with my second son it was several months. This was mainly to make it easier when they were getting up frequently in the middle of the night.

I'm not sure why so many women feel this way (superior) about these subjects. Maybe because they can breastfeed, so it makes them feel more womanly? When I realized with my first son (then again after trying [and failing miserably] with my second son) that I couldn't breastfeed, I was very, very saddened. I'm sure glad I didn't find this site back then because it would have added insult to injury, and made me feel worse than I already did.

Maybe it's a case of low self-esteem. They're not really good at anything else in life, but by God they can breastfeed, and they're not shy about telling or showing anyone who cares (or doesn't care!) to listen? I don't know... Also, maybe these women are also just the naturally bossy type who like to share their opinion with anyone and everyone.

Answer 2

Wow!
I'm a mom who breastfeeds and tries not to co-sleep, but I would never look down on another woman who doesn't breastfeed- it's not my place to judge. All that matters is that babies are happy, healthy, loved and looked after, and if it happens to be that breastfeeding isn't an option, then no-one has the right to make that mother feel guilty- at least by giving formula milk, the baby is getting the nourishment (s)he needs.
I hope that future encounters with other moms are better for you!

Answer 3

I am a mother who breastfeeds and co-sleeps. I do not feel that I am a better mother than every mother who does not breastfeed or co-sleep. I did not co-sleep with my first 3 children, in fact.

I do believe that breastfeeding has significant benefits, so when questions are asked about breastfeeding by mothers who are trying to breastfeed, or looking for information about it, I answer. I hope that by giving accurate info from experience I can help people who want to breastfeed be able to provide the benefits for their babies.

I have found that co-sleeping helps me be better rested as a mother, and better able to function. If someone is asking about co-sleeping, I answer from my experience.

There is a lot of inaccurate information out there about both subjects, and not a lot of support in society in general for either choice. If mothers who co-sleep and breastfeed seem a bit touchy, well, it wasn't US who started it. It was the neighbor down the street who says "I hope you're not SLEEPING with that baby... blah blah blah." And people who make ridiculous statements like the baby will NEVER sleep on their own if they start out in your bed. By that reasoning we should NEVER put a baby in a crib because they will never learn to sleep in a big bed, or NEVER feed a baby mush, because they won't learn to chew, or NEVER use a diaper because they will learn to soil their clothes and never stop... (But then again, I'm not a fan of diapers anyways ;-) See how ridiculous it gets?

It was great aunt Myrtle who says "How long are you going to do THAT?! Give that baby a bottle, I want to be able to feed it sometime. Don't do THAT here! Go in the bathroom, it's indecent to do that in public!" It's the DOCTORS who say "Only feed the baby every 3 hours, and give them water if they act hungry sooner" only to turn around and say "Your baby is not growing well. You are not making enough milk, stop breastfeeding at once." DUUUUUUHHHHH! The problem was not with breastfeeding, it was with the crappy "advice" that sabotaged the mother.

Yes, I am proud of my choices. I have not come to these things lightly, I do them because I feel they are the best options for me. I am secure in what I do, and I don't let those who criticize my decisions make these choices for me, or allow them to make me feel inferior.

If you truly believe you are doing what is best for your child and your family, then just let the choices others make roll off your back. If you believe there are areas where you could do better (and nobody is perfect, we ALL have room for improvement) then research, and figure out what you want to work on and do it.

Answer 4

hello, sorry you have gotten that feeling from moms who breastfeed. that is terrible! I am a mom who breastfeeds and sometimes co sleep. I don't see anything wrong with not doing either. I did not do either with my first child! I also have been attacked by someone on this site for wanting to stop breastfeeding. people like that are very rude & inconsiderate. if a person cannot give opionions without judging they should not give opionions at all! Never mind others opinions, as long as you are a good mom to your child, that is all that matters!! Take care

Answer 5

To each is own. I co-slept and breastfeed bc that's all I knew that's how I was raised and that's how I raised my children. I think every mother acts in the best interest of their child and all that is what matters but I think the negativity goes both ways! I think us AP moms are more jumpy bc we are looked like out of the norm we get stares comments and we are constantly on our toes and we tend to be jumpy due to that it seems like we always have to justify our actions just like those who choose always state why they choose not to. I think this is an never ending battle Bottle Versus breast! Both are good and it just depends on the family and their situation. I don't see hwy it should bother you if you in your heart think you did the right thing and I would like to state that the medical field doesn't back us up 100% more like 25% with the statement that a child should be breastfed for 1 year minimum that's it. Bc Dr start pushing vitamins, solid food etc.

Answer 6

I breastfeed and co-sleep because that is best for MY son and MY family. I do not look down on those who don't although there are some who think i do. No matter what issue is being discussed: breastfeeding vs. formula feeding, co-sleeping vs. crib, spanking vs. positive reiforcement, or whether you use a fork or spoon when eating cake and ice cream - there is always those who are on the extreme end of each side who just cannot accept the unbelievable truth that others will make the other choice. These are the ones who make it look bad for anyone who supports their position.
Many times I have had to defend my choices of breastfeeding and co-sleeping. In making my defences I have been accused of being hostile. That is something that I just don't get. Should I be commended for making my decisions? No, because I feel that these are natural choices that are available to anyone who wishes to practice them. But anyone who succeeds in the face of adversity - yeah, they get a pat on the back from me.
But, I should never feel condemned for my choices either especially when people use unproven 'facts' to do so.

Answer 7

I chose to breastfeed because I think its the most healthy thing for my children. However, it's a personal decision. Don't worry about what other people say or think. You made the decision that you felt was best for you and your baby. I'm sure your baby will grow up to be just as healthy as the children of those other mothers.

Answer 8

Not all women are so judgemental about these issues. I nursed my son for 13 months (and would have still continued but I'm 5 months prego... and it was killing me). I don't think any woman is a bad mother for not nursing. It's a choice "you" make... you shouldn't let others sway you. There are lots of reasons that women choose not to nurse (returning back to work, taking care of multiple siblings, illness, lack of milk, etc...) ... and I'm sure your reason was the right one for you. There were many obstacles I had to overcome before my son latched on to the breast (I pumped for the first 9 weeks straight and bottle fed until I finally mastered the art). I had many infections, clogged ducts, excrutiating pain, etc... and wanted to give up so many times. So I can understand why some would choose not to. I would recommend that every mother try to do it, but if it's not agreeing with you, then the stress of it alone can be harmful for both of you. Co-sleeping in my opinion is a bad thing all around. Don't get me wrong, I did the co-sleeping in the beginning because it was easier to nurse at night and get some sleep... but I never really slept fearing the safety of my child. As soon as the night feedings slowed down, in the crib he went... and stayed there. It's a hard habit to break them out of it you don't nip it in the butt. I don't feel that me and my son are distant because I don't share my bed with him every night. He loves me just the same. It's just not healthy.
Yes, there are mothers out there that think nursing is the ultimate superior job (because after all... it takes up alot of time, energy, and commitment), but they need to be reminded that it's been going on for thousands of years... and it's no big task. It's just something you need to do, and do it. Nursing is actually quite easy once you have the hang of it. No mixing, no washing, always ready, and free (it just ties you down tremendously being the only source of food). You're not being lazy... because you end up having to prep and sanitize, etc... and not to mention, it's costly.

The next time a woman gives you that dirty comment... ask yourself why it's bothering you so much? Is there some part of you that feels guilty for the choices you've made? Maybe, deep down inside, at some level you agree with them. Just a thought for you to explore... because people aren't usually bothered by comments unless is hits home somehow.
I hope my comments have helped you. Remember that we're all working towards the same goal... happy, healthy children!
You may want to give yourself another chance at nursing... and ask youself why you don't want to. I'm sure you know that it's the best nutrition for your baby... aside form all the other wonderful perks about breastmilk. If you've given your all, and still decide not to do it, then you can have a peaceful mind about it... and comments will roll of your shoulder!

Answer 9

I don't understand that attitude either. I breastfed both my babies for the first year, but I did not co-sleep. This was what worked for us, but it does not work for everyone. I would recommend that new mothers try breastfeeding for a few weeks before ruling it out, as it really does provide benefits for mother and baby, but if you can't, or aren't comfortable with it, that is your choice. This is just another way that mothers are divided (work vs stay home). Wouldn't it be nice if we could all recognize that we have choices for a reason, and that what is best for one family may not work for another?

Answer 10

I know how u feel! But every mother is different! We all have our own opinions in how to raise or nutur a child! No one is a lazy or selfish mother cuz she doesnt breastfeed! I didnt breastfeed and I know only one person who has with all of her children. I dont believe in all that crap they say about breastfeeding reduces cancer cuz my friend now has cancer all she did was breastfeed or the kid will have a higher IQ umm now come on!! Screw the people who have to be negative on how U raise ur own child! And the co sleep! Both of my children sleep with me! Some nights they go to their own beds but wake up and come sleep with me! They feel safe that way! And they do get out of your bed when u start putting them to their beds it works!! But if it makes ur child feel safe than let them. If your not comfortable with it than its not lazyness to put them in their bed!! Ur choices sweetie!