20+years ago, when I was just 14, I accidentally impregnated a girl while losing my virginity to her.?

Question

20+years ago, when I was just 14, I accidently impregnated a girl while losing my virginity to her. Being from a Dysfunctional family, with the capitol "D" I was forced by my parents to part ways, and I have never seen the child I helped bring in to this messed up world. I have since been diagnosed with a brain tumor that I inherited geneticly, which I am told my present children, and their children(if they have any in the future) must be tested for, and treated to prevent the horrible problems I have been living with for the last decade of my life. My thoughts have been on the child I have never seen. Though I know how to reach her mother, and want to tell her to test the child I have never known, I fear telling my wife of 17 years about this child that I have never mentioned to her, and what repercussions it would have. I know my son, and daughter would love the thought of having an older sister, but I worry about what message it would send my not quite adolecent son. Help?

Answer 1

DUDE, I am so sorry about your medical situation. But look you need to tell the mother. If you do not tell the mother personally. You need to find a person to tell her. Some WAY they have to know.

If you current wife does not understand than. That is on her.

My niece has seizures we wanted to contact my ex-brother-in-law to find out was there a history on his side of the family. Luckly we were able to find him to ask. However we had been like two years in the hunt for him.


AGAIN PLEASE CONTACT THE FAMILY. IF you need help contacting her. Let me know how I can help.

Answer 2

Great question -
not such a terrible over all dilemma...minus the brain tumor.

I would think a simple note to the mother of your child of 20 years notifying her of a genetic predisposition to brain tumors is adequate. There's no legal nor moral obligation to do so.

There's no need to have anyone else involved any further.
This way you spare the feelings of your spouse and those of your current children and those feelings of the child you have never known. And certainly you spare the excess stress on the mother of your child.

Anything further -
anything resembling an activity like trying to make any type of entrance into that child's life...
and you are so wide open to a law suit and monetary compensation that you probably just can't afford at this point because your health care revolving around this tumor will become an enormous burden.

Personally...I'd focus on your current family and your own health.
Take care of that tumor and make sure it's not cancerous NOR in your lungs (if you're a smoker).

Best of luck and health to you.

Answer 3

First of all, you have my deepest sympathies.

Your wife should understand when you explain it to her. At that age you were not capable of the responsibility a child would demand. Apologize for not telling her sooner. She may get mad, but I think her concern will outweigh it. You have a hard task before you, trying to explain the situation to your children (all 3 of them), so my guess is that she will be there to stand beside you in this. You should also discuss with her how to approach your ex and your children. She should be not only your biggest supporter, but also your biggest source for advice.

When it's time to call the mother (your ex), you should talk to her about the possibility of meeting your grown daughter. As weird as it sounds, it may make the shock of the medical tests easier on her if she has a father facing her, instead of a phone or a third party telling her. Then you, your wife, and your daughter can decide if she should meet your other two kids.

As for your son, you have to be honest with him. Have a talk with him man to man, so to speak. He should be told all the reasons why it's wrong to mess up the way daddy did. You know all of them, you stated them right here. Just talk with him about the facts of sex, and the dangers. He'll understand that you made a mistake and you don't want him to repeat it. Premarital sex, unprotected sex, whatever your stand, you can still take it even though you didn't follow it yourself. Now you are the voice of experience and can tell them all the reasons why it's wrong. Make sure that you take the time to educate him about safe sex even if you don't want him having sex before marriage.

Just use your best judgement here. There is no one right answer, the situation is too complicated. If things don't go well, you may even need some family/group counseling.

Best of Luck to You!

Answer 4

This is a really tough situation. Tell your wife, but not your kids (yet). See what your wife thinks and how she suggests that you react. At a minimum you should have the child tested -- even if the child's mother tells him he's being tested for something else, makes up a story, etc. How much or how little of the story gets exposed will be a decision that you, your wife, and the child's mother make together. Bring them all into the decision, because it will affect all of them -- don't try to set it all right yourself and then worry that you've screwed up.

Answer 5

Wow! What a story!

I have a couple of thoughts:

First of all, if you decide to keep the whole thing on the down-low, you could just contact the child's mother and be done with it. Truly, you owe that much to your progeny, even if you wish to remain anonymous. Just think of the trouble you wouldn't have encountered if you'd been armed with this information ten years ago.

If you have a strong marriage, you should probably share this with your wife. She likely knows you better than anyone in the world, and any judgement she might make would be based on you as a whole, rather than on this fact alone.

As for the kids....well, you're going to have to decide whether they can benefit from your story and avoid an early unwanted pregnancy as a result, or whether it would simply confuse them. You and your wife should decide that together.

So....you MUST inform the child, you SHOULD inform your wife, and you MIGHT share it with the kids.

Good luck finding the wise path, here.

Answer 6

Honesty is the best policy. As for your wife, let her know that your parents forced the child out of your life and you have struggled with it for your whole life. As for your son, it may be time to sit down with him and give him the talk about sex. You are a wonderful example of the repercussions. Make sure you let him see how heartbroken you are/were over your mistake, and also you may want to think of an answer for the question "What would you do if I got in the same situation, Dad?" He won;t be asking it because he is there or might be soon.. it will be purely out of curiosity.

Answer 7

Look we're all human and sometimes we have to make choices - even if they aren't the best. For you at that time you had no choice - you were a minor. But now you do have a choice. You owe it to yourself and especially that child to inform the mother of this potentially serious medical condition. Sit down and tell your wife - explain that you weren't trying to be deceptive or secretive - you were a minor without any decision power, but now you are an adult and want to do the right thing. She might be upset or angry at first but once you explain that your concern is for the well being of the child she should come to her senses. Whether or not you decide to be a part of that child's life is your choice - you have every right o be a part of it's life.

Answer 8

This is very difficult emotional territory. I think you should make an effort to see the child you fathered years ago not just because of the medical dimension but because it would be good for her to see her father at long last. I think too you should reveal this aspect of your past to your wife--I know it will be extremely difficult--after which you and she can decide what to reveal to your two other children and exactly when. I would suggest your taking one slow step at a time and after the utmost deliberation, for you know the various people involved and I don't. I think children like it when their father is being honest when it is difficult to be honest and will respect you the more for it, but as you say perhaps you should wait until your son has completed his adolescence.Whatever you decide to do, you have my best wishes.

Answer 9

It's time to come clean. You need to contact the mother of your child and arrange to get her tested. Tell your wife about your indiscretions and explain to her why it has taken you this long to tell her. Sit your children down and explain your past indiscrections. I think this could have been a good lesson to your son had youhandled it the right way but now i fear he will just learn from this that he can make huge mistakes and not have to deal with them. You need to explain to him the repurcussions of your actions in a way that he can understand and i wouldn't expect anyone to be happy about the situation.

Answer 10

Your priority should be to the child from 20 years ago, you have an obligation to tell her that her health is at risk.

And as for your son and the message it will be sending him, it may make him think twice before losing his virginity at 14.

Good luck with your health and the health of your family.

Blessed Be!