How do I get past resenting my wife?

Question

I determined that she met a guy while we were one vacation and kept in touch with him. Since I confronted her about it, she has barley accepted any responsibility and has focused on the fact that I read her emails and not that she was pursuing a guy outside of our marriage. The e-mails were way past the line of a friendship if you know what I mean. I am now filled with resentment for her and do not know how to get past it. I am not sure if I can but I am trying...help!

Answer 1

As long as she continues behaving this way, you wont be getting past any hurt or resentment, thats just normal human nature. Shes the one that needs to be making some changes, and get her priorities in order, because you dont deserve this kind of disrespect. You need to have a chit chat, and if shes not willing to devote herself to you as a wife, then you need to seek some legal assistance, and I think you know what Im talking about.



Good Luck....

Answer 2

You do not mention if there are any children in this marriage, or even how long you have been married to each other. Is this the first marriage for you both? Not having that knowledge, I will go on the basis that there are no children, and have been married less than eight years.
1. Keep copies of the emails 2. Try to get her to with you to a marriage counselor. 3. If she refuses, go to one yourself to see if you have more problems that what you have discovered.
4. Document the first three items. 5. Gather further evidence of her adulteress intentions, either by yourself, or by hiring a professional. 6. After this point, you should know if you need a Good Divorce Lawyer, or not. I am really sorry that you are in this situation, and I wish you the best of Luck.

Answer 3

Why do you even want to get past it is my question. Sure you love your wife and the minute you found out about these emails that didn't immediately change. But come on, what she did was wrong. I know there's a part of you who wants to forgive and forget and move on but is that ever really possible? You will never forget what she did and nor should you. She betrayed you and she betrayed your marriage. That will always be there right between you. As much as part of you wants to reconcile, is there not another part of you that feels you deserve better than this. You deserve a person who wants to be with you and you only. If I was in this situation I would not forgive and I could certainly never forget. I may get over it but it would always be there in the back of my mind. Perhaps you should not have read her emails, but really, should there not be a level of trust in a marriage where one can look through their Spouse's emails without fear of finding that they are cheating on them. I am not saying that my wife and I make a regular habit of logging in and reading each others emails but should my wife see my account I would, and don't, mind in the slightest. The reason I don't mind is beacause I have nothing to hide. If my wife was corresponding with other men, whether they be men she had met in person or just random men she met online it would be the end for us. It may not be the immediate end (although I would like to think it would) but it would certainly be the beginning of the end. Similarly, if I met a woman on vacation and was secretly emailing her upon my return, I would expect my wife not to stand for that either. It is wrong and disrespectful.

Answer 4

This is a tough one, but I think I have some good advise for you. First, accept your anger--it's reasonable. Anger is not bad, it's like an alarm that goes off inside us and tells us there's something here that needs to be dealt with. It's HOW you deal with it that can be either good or bad. So, how are you going to deal with your anger? If I were in your situation, I would let her know that this is a major deal and she is damaging your trust. You don't have to yell it at her or do or say anything you'll regret later, but it's certainly appropriate to let her know how upset you are. And if communicating openly isn't working, I would get some help from a marriage counselor (or wise older adult you both respect). In the end, though, the best you can do is do your best and let go of the outcome. I know that sounds tough, but even if she wrecks the marriage, you'll still need to forgive her and move on in order to free yourself from the rage you feel. Hope that helps.

Answer 5

If you don't the marriage will end, but perhaps that is what you or her want?need? If she is looking outside the marriage, she is 100% wrong no matter the reason, but no one goes outside of the marriage if they are happy, so maybe you need to ask her why she is unhappy and actually work through you issues instead of just asking her to accept responsibility. Therapy is my only other suggestion, everyone needs someone to talk to and it is heathier to talk to someone who has no connections to you life, that way you can get an honest appraisal of the situation, your friends will either feel strange, or conflicted and your family will more then likely just agree with you, which will put a riff between your wife and family and you and your wife and not get anyone anywhre usefull.

Answer 6

You need to either go to a marriage counselor or have a very long discussion with your wife about all this. She needs to, in either case, promise to no longer contact this man. If she is caught contacting him... it's over. Do not reward bad behavior. Resentment is natural and justified in this case. There are unresolved issues that need to be addressed or the marriage will fail. Staying in a marriage while resenting your spouse and reading thier e-mails is STILL a failed marriage. Catch this before it gets outta hand.

Answer 7

i don't think its just a matter of you getting past a resentment. there is probably alot more gong on in you marriage if that is her behavior. i do think the best thing you can do TODAY is treat her like you did the day you fell in love w/her.i know i would be alot less likely to continue e-mailing some guy if my husband really was trying to step up to the plate. And how i get past my resentments is by seeing the part i played in the situation.maybe you need to apologize for some of your behavior?

Answer 8

Not everything she does is all of your business. If she is feeling boring, exchanging spicy emails is her way of trying to feel exciting and adventurous. If she is feeling neglected, this is her way of getting attention. If she is feeling bland, this is her way of feeling sexy. None of this means she is dumping you for this guy. It may just be a harmless fantasy....until you got involved and tried to take that away from her. You might try asking instead what she's getting from this guy that you're not giving her.

Second, there's the issue of trust, which seems way lacking here. If you are insecure and don't trust her not to run off and leave you for the first guy who gets her email addr and you have to spy on her...what does that tell you about the relationship? And if she feels she has to keep secrets from you because she can't tell you everything because of how you'll react...what does that tell you about the relationship?

Trust is the key to any working, functional relationship.
You need to know she's not cheating on you.
She needs to know you're not reading her emails.
You BOTH need to know you can talk to each other about anything.
If you don't have that- either work on getting it, or if you're not mature enough, and don't love each other enough to get it, then give it up.

And, since you already read the emails and have this guy's email addr, write him a letter & tell him to back off your woman.
She might be leading him on and you can at least put a stop to that. At the very least, she needs to know you're willing to fight to keep her, instead of just rolling over and letting this guy take her from you.

Answer 9

No one can tell you how to not resent your wife. Only you can make that choice. It sounds like she may have done something out of line that would be considered out of line for most couples. But if you plan on staying married and ever being happily married you have to make the choice to trust her and not resent her. Its difficult but you have to make yourself do it. If you don't get past it you may not make it as a couple. I wish you the best of luck and i wish i had an answer that would solve your problems but there is no answer. The only answer to the problem is you. Choose to forgive and forget or choose to not. The past is the past you have to get passed it or you'll always be stuck there in pain. Hope i helped.

Answer 10

That's too bad that you don't trust her, but I can understand completely. Marriage vows are frequently ignored or interpreted differently by some people to suit their own needs (kindof like the Bible). If her defense is that she isn't cheating on you (yet), maybe you need to pin her down to her interpretation of "cheating".
A good rule of thumb is, if you wouldn't do it with your spouse standing right next to you, it's cheating.
How will you get past this? Try explaining your feelings of mistrust to her and why you feel this way. Ignore her accusations of invading her privacy...married people don't have privacy from each other! Monitor the history on your computer to see if she's still maintaining contact. If it continues to be a problem, get rid of the computer and get yourself a notebook to take with you if she can't be trusted.
Just don't be unfaithful to her in retaliation...nothing good can come of that!