What would you do?

Question

Scenario:
1. Your significant other has a child by their ex.
2. The child is 10 years old.
3. Your significant other talks to the ex 3 to 4 time a week only when you are not present (ex requested this).
4. Talk time ranges 1-60mins 2-3 times a day times range from 11:00am - 1:30am (You are not present)
5. You have addressed a concern about this issue before.
6. Significant other says you are guilty of something because you are inquiring about their phone conversations.
7. You are engaged to significant other and ex lives 2000 miles away.
Is there a problem? Or... Are you overreacting?
Can signifiacnt other remain friends with ex without it causing a problems in your current relationship? Keep in mind you and ex have had words and even had a physical fight in the past.

1.The child lives with the ex.
2. He pays child support
3. He can see the child any time he wants.
4. Some of the calls take place at 1am when I'm at work.
5. Either way it goes I'm never around when they talk and if she/he calls and I'm around the conversation is very short.
6. When I ask about the conversations I get told I'm guilty of something myself, or get a short and sometimes no answer at all.
7. What 10 year old is up talking on the phone at 11, 12 , and 1am on a school night?

By the way SO did not want ex to know we were back together starting out. This has been an on and off relationship for 9 years. On for the last 5. And I told ex were together but SO told ex he/she was living in a different state and would not give ex our phone number. SO would leave the house and use calling cards to contact ex. And the ex is not the crazy type.

Answer 1

I think you are overreacting. Sorry, but they do have a history, and the child is biologically both theirs, and it is normal for both of them to take an interest in the child.

I would establish a better rapport with the child, and let it be known, that if you marry, you will be the man in the household.

2000 miles away is a pretty good barrier to avoid any physical cheating, and if you are at work, it doesn't seem as though it would take away from your time with your fiancee.

After she is more comfortable with you raising her child, the phone calls and contacts will decrease.

Don't rush into marriage until your relationship is more comfortable to you.

Answer 2

1. Depends on where the 10yr old is living.
2. If 10yr old is living with you, tell your significant other that there is no need to talk 3 or 4 times a week to their past. Once on mondays for 15 minutes would be MORE than enough. Unless THEY want to catch up on things.
3. if 10yr old is living with the ex, then you may have to concede some time for phone conversations.
4. if child support is to be paid by your significant other, then your significant other can stop talking soo much, because there already is a court order in effect, and significant other can now move forward with their life and yours.
5. I've been through this, and it took me 3yrs to learn that I did not need to talk to the mother of my 1st two kids. But I put my wife through un-necessary changes, and I am forever sorry that I did that.

Everything boils down on what is necessary, and you take the necessary and work with it. Is it necessary for your fiance' to continue conversations? 2000 miles away or 50 miles away, it's the time that your fiance is giving to his or her past, that's what I had to learn. But I got the courts involved, pay my child support, and see my kids all summer long, and on weekends. If my wife and I ever move 800 miles away, I'd still see my kids in the summer.

What's necessary for your fiance' to do? figure that out, and do it.

Answer 3

And you are going to marry this guy? Tell him to leave his ex first!
2-3 times a day is exsessive. That can add up to 3 hours a day. What can they possibly find to talk about? I don't think my husband and I talk that much every single day! Sounds like a long distance relationship to me!
Why do you have to be out of the room? He says its her idea- but is it really? Why would he agree to that? Does he have the child or does the ex? If only he spoke to his 10year old that much!
No you're not overreacting- you're putting up with too much! Are you prepared to live with this for the rest of your life?
Please don't walk down the aisle until you are completely comfortable with this situation. Your future husband should be showing you the utmost respect and genuine concern for your feelings!
Good luck!!!

Answer 4

Are you threatened by what's going on? Ask your self this first.
Susan, I see two ways for you to handle this.
1. You walk out of the relationship and never look back, given you've told your significant about how you feel and all the things that are related to your stuation. Walking out will be hard and painful but it will go away and you will do great. life goes on, right?
2. There is what I call "the jesus way". you will take him with love, try to show him how you feel. find a way that makes him stop and see what it's doing to you. But this one needs a character. you need to be patient and strong.
which ever you are going to do (1or2), it won't be easy.
Be strong.

Answer 5

they have a history, and a child, of course they are going to have conversations... and those might take some time... they may have split on amicable terms so are still close (as in being friends)...

stop being paranoid... if you had a child by an ex and wanted to be friends, wouldn't you be in contact???

try standing in other peoples shoes and not being quite so judgemental!!!

Answer 6

listen.......they have a past. they have a child together. they will most likely always be in each others life in some capacity. why would you think the mother of the child you are now raising would be out of the picture?

Answer 7

Hmmmmm good question...did you steal her man or did she give him away? Does he still like her or is he being nice for his kids sake? What does that child need for such long conversations?

I don't have a clue? Talk to him about how it makes you feel...don't question him or make him defensive just tell him his loyalty to her makes you feel like he is not loyal towards you and see what he sais?

Maybe they r just being adults for the sake of the child...how wonderfully grown up if the case.

Answer 8

I'd say LEAVE IT! There are plenty of "unresolves" between your SO and the EX and they are still on the warm-over stage (could be rekindled living you out in the cold) but in the overall, you're being had.