Should I leave my wife?

Question

I've been married for three years now, and my wife dose little to help me around the house. I do 90% of the cleaning, fix dinner five nights a week, work 10 hour days and do all the yard work. She has always been a lazy person, but promised me she would change after we seperated four years ago. I manage to get about 4 hours sleep a night, and before I go to bed i give my son a bath. We've been fighting for the last couple of years, and every time she make me feel as though it's my fault. I care about her, but a few months ago I found myself falling asleep behined the wheel while sitting at an intersection. I'm tired all time. She works, but when shes home she always sleeps. I want to be married, but i dont feel the love i once felt for her.

Answer 1

Well first I want to say, it is such a relief to know that there are men out there like yourself. Pat yourself on the back...then leave her. I know the two of you are married but in this situation, I find her being just as wrong as a man would be in her shoes. If you dont have enough love for her to keep dealing with this (which you're not expected to), then what are you still with her for? I'd split. Thats just my opinion and its not often that I come across questions about marriage and I tell people to leave. Be gone, continue being a good and responsible man and have someone you trust watch your son while you work etc. I wish the best of luck to you. Remember, you tried :)

Answer 2

Get her to a doctor first to see if she is suffering from either depression, or something like a chronic fatigue syndrome. You also didn't mention therapy, so of course you must do that first before giving up. I don't know how the rest of your relationship is, and whether there is any intimacy, but I have a lazy husband and kids and what I did was stopped doing so much! I clean when I'm in the mood to clean, and cook when I feel like it. Guess what? Lazy people can become hungry and dirty and will learn to cook for themselves and clean up a bit. You're just simply doing too much, and it's really not necessary. You sound like a great dad, so continue to spend that quality bath time with your son, but the rest of it? Make sure you have a clean bed and clean towels, and clean dishes for you and your son. The rest of the housework can wait, and yard work can too.

Answer 3

Hello Ben !

I'm sorry to hear of your marital problems. Does your wife suffer from depression ? Her behavior isn't natural, I think she needs to speak to, and get examined by a Doctor.

I also think you should have someone keep your child for a day, and use that time to have a serious discussion with her. Remind her of the promises that she made , and how she hasn't fulfilled them. Let her know that you're falling asleep behind the wheel, due to lack of sleep.

Give her thirty, or sixty days to get her act together, and do her share of work around the house, and to take care of child she helped make !
I think you should give her one more chance, but she needs to improve by a certain time, and keep up the improvement too; if she doesn't, give her the boot, and get custody of your child.

She's unfit. Can you picture her getting custody, and properly caring for your son ?

She needs to be examined by a Doctor, just to rule out any kind of illness, or disorder..
I do know this her behavior is becoming hazardous to your health..

You certainly deserve much better than that; you sound like a good man, and father. There are many women who will be happy to have you, and your son.

You will lose your mind, if she doesn't change for the better..

I hope this helps...

Love, light, and peace
tishy

Answer 4

You need to learn what women know - all the cleaning and dishes and laundry will still be there tomorrow. What do you fight about? She may not be lazy, but she may have a hormonal imbalance that is making her need lots of rest. Insist she go to a doctor - endocrinologist - and check her hormones, thyroid, IGA, etc. Once you find out that nothing is physically out of balance, if that is the case, just STOP always cleaning up. That is what I did with my husband. I did everything including running our business. We fought too. Now I just shrug my shoulders (24 years later) and let it wait. It's funny, now he empties the dishwasher and does a few loads of laundry. Hire a maid to come in once a week and do the floors and bathrooms, and dusting. That takes a real load off. You sound like a perfectionist and so am I. Not everyone is like us. If she is sleeping alot and had a child recently, I really suspect something physically is up. You don't need to fall asleep behind the wheel. Go cllimb in bed with her and get some sleep. You do not have to be a martyr and uphold everything in your marriage. Can you imagine living this way for another 30 years? Of course not. Change yourself and your situation will change. You sound like you are trying to manipulate her and control her or that you did something to compromise your marriage and feel like you have to make up for it by all this work. Or, you are of German descent like myself and are driven just to do everything perfectly all the time. It is amazing what gets done when you give that up. You have baggage on your shoulders and need some help to understand.

By the way, true, romantic love is not about marriage. It only lasts the first year. After that reality sets in and you have to learn that true marriage is about commitment and working together to create what your mutual goals are. There has to be an area of compromise. But first, get her tested - she sounds ill.

Answer 5

You better try some marriage counseling first. Is she healthy and if she is why does she sleep all the time? Could she be depressed. Separation and divorce should be last on the list. Try first to look at the problem objectively. Of course you should not work yourself to this degree of exhaustion. It certainly does not sound like a healthy marriage but I have only heard your side of the story. You both need help from a third party and counseling is a good place to start. You already tried talking to her and even separation. Life is too short, you either be happy or move on. But divorce should be last resource.

Answer 6

I have the exact same situation going on at my house. I am working 140 hours of overtime this month my wife works 3 days per week. I cook, I clean, I do all of the laundry and all my wife does is bich that she does everything and I do nothing. I was going to file for divorce but we just had a baby. I am just like you I dont know what to tell you. If I get divorced I would probably have to move in with my parents because I could not afford to pay child support and what not. Good luck.

Answer 7

Why are you doing all this? You do know you're killing yourself. I'm surprised you've lasted this long. But you won't much longer. She "promised she would change" after separating because she didn't want to loose the free help. You're her slave. It's a win win for her. And she is not going to change. People do not change because they have to, but because they want to. And you can't change them either. For her, there is no reason to change. And she doesn't want to. She has it nice. Comfy and convenient. At your expense. Yes she works. And so do you. But it seems like she's all through the moment she walks in the door. And it seems like you've been letting her get away with it.
As far as the fighting, she has manipulated you in such a way as to make you always feel guilty. So for two years now she has completely worn you down. I feel like it's abuse on her part and I sense your hopelessness as a result. There's no doubt in my mind that you do care about her and want to stay married. You seem like a good person. Maybe too good. Marriage is for "better or worse"? In this I see better for her, worse for you. I'm not surprised you don't feel the love. How could you? Not your fault. I heard somthing once. Goes like this. Love is like a weed. Difficult to get rid of. But if you try hard enough, you can kill it. Love, marriage. A two way street. Give and take. Not give- give- give- take -take- take. Equal. The two of us together. Not so one sided that you're sleep deprived. Falling asleep in the car. That's really dangerous. And you have your son to think about. All this has got to be affecting him as well.
Now, what you need to ask yourself is this. Honestly.
Am I better off with her or without her?
You've separated once and the "promise" didn't happen. This marriage isn't happening either.
If it gets to the point that that you both separate again I hope you won't cave in and reconcile. Not without the both of you getting councelling first. If she won't do it, do it for yourself. And, believe it or not, it is ok to do something for yourself.

Answer 8

thats surprizing usually us women say that now if you are falling asleep behind the wheel you need to get more sleep get a job during the day hours get time to spend with your child/ren n when he goes down you have to make sure you get time to your self for me my boys are in bed by 8 or 9 i go to bed no later then 11 then i get up with my kids about 6 or 7 then i work 8 hour shifts either 9-5 30 or 2-10 when im not working i spend time with my kids im a single mother too n get help from my mom dont clean up after your wife n she needs to be awake during the day time there is no need for you to work 10 hour shifts you cleaning n her doin nothing if you dont feel love from her leave her its not healthy for you her n especially the child if this has been going on for years then leave her drop her cuz she wont change maybe with someone else she will but not with you especially since your having in your head questions on leaving her then thats what you need to do deep down thats what u really want ur just useto being with her thats y ur stalling but for a while it will be tough just remember theres going to be a brighter day i promise i gone thru a little something the same a year n half ago n im finally seeing things brighter now n even in the relationship i wanted out i hope all goes well for you but its not healthy that your in a relationship with her

Answer 9

When you come home from work, get your son and crawl into bed with her and take a nap. Since you are still bathing him, I assume he is young enough for this. Clean only the essentials to keep vermin away. Wash only your clothing and your son's. Live with the other clutter. When you feel rested do the chores I mentioned. Seek counseling. Your wife may be depressed. It is unfair for anyone to carry this kind of load. Counseling will help you decide what is best for the family. If she won't go, go alone.
Good luck.

Answer 10

If you have tried to work it out before and things have not gotten any better then chances are that they never will. It might be time to move on. Bottom line is you are who you are and she is who she is and the two of you don't mix. Just remember that as long as you have a child together, the problem won't go away totally. My boyfriend now had the same problem with his ex wife along with other problems. It still makes him sick to pick up his son out of a dirty house and there is nothing he can do about it. Good luck.