is it natural..?

Question

My fiance and I have been living together for almost 2 years now, and I've realize that he doesnt pick up things unless I ask ... Then it makes me the bad person who is always nagging. I tend to just let things be and if the room is messy its messy. He doesnt seem to care to help me do the laundry or help me pick up. His lack of responsobilities concerns me. I love him, when two people are in a relationship ..we should give and take... it's 50/50. I feel that he isnt being fair and understanding my circumstances, I work and go to school..I dont want to come home and end up doing his laundry all the time even on my day off. I just want to relax. I never really have free time. If I ever do I end up doing nothing. It's soo stressful to deal with him. I want him to realize that I'm not his slave and it seems like he's taking me for granted, and he doesnt do things for me..How can I let him realize that its unacceptable?

Answer 1

Okay, my first point is this: Men don't see clutter or messyness the same way women do. Scientific research has actually shown that men & women can look at the same room and see two differant things.

Having said that - nothing is ever 50/50 in a relationship. That is a myth. One partner always give more in one area than another. Thats the point of a partnership - - so you always have support when you need it. I would bet if you sat down and thought about it there are areas where your fiance does more than you do.


Finally, my recomendation would be to sit down and talk to your fiance in such a way that is not a personal attack. Don't use gerealizations like "You never take out the trash!" or "I ALWAYS do all the laundry". That won't get you anywhere. Outline the fact that you feel that you could use help in specific areas. Then talk to him so you guys can decide together how you can accomplish it without you nagging or him feeling like you're trying to parent him.

Answer 2

He is just being lazy. No, this is not normal behavior of a grown man. More a frat-boy standard. Tell him so. Remind him that you are not his maid, nor his mother. Tell him though, that he is free to hire a maid if he so chooses. You should stop doing his laundry. Why have you assumed this responsibility anyway? Even your wording is that he is helping you, as if it is your work. Let his laundry pile up next to the washer, or in his own hamper. When he starts to run out of underwear, he'll figure out who's responsibility it is. Get him on the right track before you have children together, because you can see where this would be headed, right? Shovel his accumulated clutter into one spot until he can't find his stuff for it not being put away properly. Stop doing his job! If you were JUST roommates, you wouldn't assume this responsibility, would you? Just because you are a couple, it doesn't mean you become his maid. Let him fend for himself.

Answer 3

First of alljust be glad u found out before you married him. I had only been to my inlaws house one time before my husband and I got married so I really had no idea. Well they are slobs and my mother and I are neat freaks so you can imagine how well we have managed lol. We've been married for 5 yrs now and I can say yes there has been lots of nagging but I just can't leave in a messy home. I have had to let some things go like you already have so now he needs to do his half and be a little more conciderate of your feelings and help you keep up with the house work. My husband helps me now. It may not be the way I would have liked to of had it done but I just try to be happy it got done. You two willjust have to work together. Just sit down with him and explain to him how you feel and that you really need him to help you. That's what I did and it got me alot further than the nagging did but what can I say lol

Answer 4

I really agree with your first answerer. I would like to add that maybe you should add to that conversation, I'll be hiring a maid to come in on Saturdays to do the laundry and some cleaning and it's going to cost .... and I need ..... this amount from you. That way you want be so busy you don't have time. If he barks at that then maybe you can just push all his stuff to a side of the room so you don't see it.
Also as far as being natural most men have moms who do all the cleaning and the washing of their cloths. Kind of like what you are doing now so they don't know anything is wrong. Except maybe they think you are lazy for letting it pile up. To stop this behavior women have to teach their sons to clean their own cloths and wives have to say I'm not your mother.

Answer 5

Oh my gosh...it's like we live the same life! The bad news is that this isn't unusual and guys like ours need a lot of encouragement and reverse physiology to get anything done around the house. The good news is that every man can be "conditioned" kind of like "trained" but it sounds better! I told my fiancee I needed his help and so we divided all the chores up and I hold him accountable for finishing his duties everyday or he will hear about it! He now does the dishes, vacuuming, trash and lawn work & I do the rest. It is slowly working but it takes time to transition and condition them into doing household chores.
I hated mothering him and nagging him all the time because I started resenting him all the more. Do something about the problem now! If things don't get better......Crying and playing the victim works great. Remember....lots of tears! Best of luck for a clean house without losing your mind!

Answer 6

Understanding is require. And patient, now you and him are living together, you start to notice notice his short comings.

Love is a lasting forever thing. So take your time. and no rush. Boys look at 2 things, prettiness and good personality. You know what pretty is. Good personality is the way u act and speak and how u behave yourself, also how u conduct yourself. They often look for good qualities. This is quite a tough area to improve. In other words, if they like u, means they really like u. If not, then, don't be sad and give up like others do, maybe there's still a chance u can improve. All the best to u.

Answer 7

gurl, if it's not life and death or just straight up immoral then just let it go. But tell him how you feel when you all aren't angry. What I started doing is setting the timer on 30 minutes and my husband and I just clean together for the whole 30 minutes. Get him to help you. And if he ever just cleans on his own without you nagging him to, make sure you tell him how it made you feel to come home after a long day a work to a clean house that smells good. He might even throw in a foot massage. But believe me, we've all experienced this problem with our men!!!!!! whew

Answer 8

Just talk to him and tell him you are stressed and need help. Try saying that ill cook but can you do the dishes. That's how me and my fiancee work things. Ill go shopping for groceries and he will do laundry or vice versa. Don't say well you never do anything or the house is always a mess. Stick to the points and don't "attack" him. If he loves he will understand you need a little help just don't expect him to abide by your level of cleanliness.

Answer 9

You are not his mother! If you can't accept this behavior now please don't marry him. Big one to always remember-you can't change others. You either accept and deal with it without bitterness or get out. Something tells me other things pertaining to his irresponsibility is the bigger issue. Don't compromise what is imortant to you or let him change you. Hope it helps-I am speaking from experience-10 years of marriage and I am still hearing the same excuses for not cleaning the garage. But I had to figure out where that measured on my important scale. I finally just did it myself and I can park my car in there for once.
He loves the clean garage! I had to do it without bitterness though.

Answer 10

It doesn't matter if it is natural, and many have this problem and are willing to live with it, there are also many men who 'get it' and do help with the chores, cooking and when children come along, diaper changes, late night feedings etc. I agree a diplomatic approach is needed to convince him that if the relationship is going to be successful, he will need to help you in certain areas, but if you find he is unwilling to be cooperative, please do not waste years of your time married to someone you will ultimately resent and become that shrew you are already afraid you are turning into.