My fiance is such a know it all. Nearly everything I state or have an opinion about he cuts down, questions or says it isn't so. It's getting to the point where I am afraid to talk about anything more than just the weather. Even when I try to tell him how I'm feeling about "us", if I'm feeling insecure or just want to be reassured, he jumps down my throat and accuses me of being "so negative all the time" and tells me I'm driving him crazy. All of this is wearing me down so much, but I am so afraid to address it as I feel as though I will never find anyone else. I know all of this sounds so pathetic and that I probably need to grow some balls, but it's hard to actually do. We've been looking at houses together to buy and even with that I don't have voice - it's like the decisions are all his to make. How do I deal with this in a constructive kind of way?
2006-09-06 16:56:48 · 20 answers · asked by gwibsy 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He may not realize the way he's behaving or that it bothers you unless you sit him down and make him listen. If telling him doesn't help, don't marry the guy. You'll be this unhappy in marriage, too, so call off the engagement and find someone who will listen to your needs.
2006-09-06 17:03:10 · answer #1 · answered by Daisy® 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds a little too rocky to be looking at buying houses! Wait until you feel better about the relationship to (1) buy a house (2) get married. A good relationship looks like this: a man and a woman with their own individual hobbies, tastes, friends, jobs, etc . . . . that find pleasure and happiness in building one another up! They accept the other for what they are - not what they hope the other will become! They develop understanding, respect, loyalty, friendship, and love together - side by side.
You should feel free to talk and share about anything with the person that you love (especially if you are planning on spending forever together!) Can you imagine growing old with someone who already grumps like an old man?????
2006-09-07 00:04:48 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are having a hard time communicating to him how you feel about your relationship now, and the purchase of a home, how will you communicate once you are married and have a family. You need to sit with him now and maybe get some pre-marriage counseling to see where you stand before you get married. It is much harder to fix after you are married and own a home. I have a friend who is in a bad marriage now and is in debt up to her eyeballs. If she leaves now, she will lose everything she has worked so hard for. You do not want to be in that situation.
If you are planning to marry in a church, the church may offer pre-marital counseling. I know the church I got married in required it. We had to discuss everything from budgeting to illness to how we felt about raising kids. My husband and I had a great relationship before the counseling, so it was just a formality for us. But, this counseling is there for a reason...alot of people who are planning on being married just can't break down the walls around them and handle the fact that every aspect of their life is now revolving around two people instead of one.
If he will not listen to anything you have to say and is going to put down everything you say and do, then maybe this guy isn't for you. You want to be with someone who can't wait to hear what you have to say, no matter how silly, sad, good, or bad it might be. You want to find a mate that will treat you like an equal partner in the "corporation" you are building together.
Sometimes you need to look at marriage like a business deal...everything is 50/50. Make lists of what each of you wants, decide what is negotiable and what is not. This means for a home, who does what chores, how you feel about kids, money, what each of you expects from yourselves and from each other. Sit together once a month and have a "corporate meeting" to discuss changes in finances, jobs, home repairs, savings, etc. Taking the personal feelings out of these things will make them much easier to deal with. Marriage is not easy, it is a constant work in progress. If the relationship is not good now, it will not get better by adding a house, kids, and joint debt.
2006-09-07 00:33:52 · answer #3 · answered by cowgirl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow!!!!
I think we were married to the same guy! Gee's!
Get out quick! He is forcing you to be the submissiive partner.
He wants everything his way and according to him everyone else is an idiot..Right? He cuts people down to make himself feel like a big bad man.
This is extremely unhealthy. Don't sign for a house. You will only get in deeper and take you longer to dig yourself out. I gave in to my ex and ended up married for 6 years, having 2 more kids ontop of the one I already had, moved me clear across the states, left me there away from my family, didn't allow me to work or have cash because I didn't work, everything was in his name and because I felt like I was not equal..I was the witch.
Its not right! You only get one chance at living your life so live it...LIVE IT FOR YOU..Don't waste it on serving some Jack*** who doesn't appreciate you or treat you as if you don't have capabilities.
Show the world who you are...show the world you are human...show the world you are woman..and show the world that you love yourself enough to respect yourself.
Okay..Just my own personal experience.
Good Luck
2006-09-07 00:05:45 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would deal with it before you get married. You HAVE to tell him how you feel and make him really hear you. If he still continues to ignore your feelings you need to think long and hard about whether you really want to marry this man. I think it would be very hard for you to spend the rest of your life with someone that does not respect your opinions or your feelings.
Good Luck... I know it is hard but don't stay with someone just because you think you can't do better..... you can.
2006-09-07 00:02:15 · answer #5 · answered by purple rain 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
And how do you think that marrying this bully will change him? You are talking about spending the rest of your life with this man. You need to stop looking at houses and get into counseling. He sounds like he's unhappy and has become controlling and abusive.
Find out why.
2006-09-07 00:00:42 · answer #6 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get out. Seriously. You WILL find somebody else, somebody who doesn't treat you like dirt. You're better off getting out now than marrying him, living in misery for ten years, then being a divorced mother with a couple of kids and a whole lot of emotional baggage.
2006-09-06 23:59:35 · answer #7 · answered by nkasoff 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you want this to work then you need to play harder to get. Men love that. You take over the court and if he doesn't like it than he can kiss your you know what. You deserve much better than that. If this is how he treats you before you are married then how will he treat you after. You need to think about that. Good luck~!
2006-09-07 00:01:39 · answer #8 · answered by vvvlambert 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
in my opinion i think u just need to tell him this shits gettin outta hand, and if thats the way its gunna be before you go and get married, just think of how it COULD be when your all legal an sh*t, the only thing i can think of is that you need to find somethin that will make him listen to you, find a subject where he has no say and then yell it if u have to, its no fun in a one sided relationship, and by the way i dont mean to b rude or unthoughtful in any way in this answer, good luck with it all
2006-09-07 00:04:29 · answer #9 · answered by Mark L 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you feel this way about him, please do not marry him. If he is jumping down your throat now, what is he going to do once you get married. Is he going to tell you what clothes you can wear? How to put a diaper on your baby? Men seldom change, if he is this way now, he will be 10 times worse once you say "I DO".
He sounds like he has self-esteem issues.
2006-09-07 00:00:57 · answer #10 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋