How do you stop the gut wrenching pain after your wife of 12+ years leaves unexpectedly while you are at work?

Question

I'm 45 and have loss both parents unexpectedly to death but the pain that I feel now that the woman that I have loved for so long has left me. How can I stop this gut wrenching pain from controling my life. I walk in the house and I just start crying my eyes out because I don't see her on the patio waving at me with her lovely smile. Everything that I look at from the coffee mugs that we had coffee in every morning to the bed, decorations that she hung and placed around the house, everything makes me so sad. I had no idea that she was so unhappy, at least to the point of sneeking away. I've talked to her on the phone and she says that it is not another man, just that she didn't feel loved. She stopped drinking 5 months ago and since then she went on a health kick and I didn't. I love her with all of my heart and would do anything for her. I have no family or friends, 2400 miles from where I grew up and no money. I just don't know what to do with my life, I am so sad, the saddest ever.

Answer 1

Go to church, if they do not have a divorce care class, find a church that does have one. Join their divorced adults class and find within yourself the best reasons to stay busy for your own good. Volunteer to keep you away from the empty house, it takes time but you can and will get through this. Make yourself first priority, do for yourself the little things you had neglected for years and learn to be your own best company for a while. It gets easier but it takes some work on your part.
You will or have likely gone through some of the 5 stages of grief already;
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
Once you can get through these stages, you will be ready to move back out into the world a stronger, better equipped person.

Answer 2

condolences on the loss of ur parents. at r age, unfortunately, this does happen. i just lost my mom in dec. this is just a part of the life cycle. we must continue 2 move 4ward. if u were unaware of how unhappy she was, let me ask, did u communicate with her on a reg basis. i mean the deep kind, not just how was ur day etc. if it is not another person, then is she willing 2 go 2 some counseling sessions. if not & this is the way it is goin 2 b, then perhaps u need 2 eliminate the things that remind u of her. then u need 2 concentrate on urself & move on. i know it is hard 2 think of that right now, but if it is over, then go ahead & take care of it. if that means divorce & selling the house & everything else, do it make a clean break. u r 2 young 2 just curl up & die. the best thing u can do now is 2 take care of urself. i am sure u exaggerate when u say u have no friends, u must have a job, or if not then nothing is holding u from moving 2 a new location & starting over. i know it is not goin 2 b easy, but u can do anything u put ur mind t. good luck.

Answer 3

You poor man. I'm 36 years old and split from my husband and partner of nearly 10 years just this February. I wish I could tell you there's a magic cure, but I didn't find one. I know the exact feeling you describe, and time is the only thing that made it go away for me. I still have bad days, but fewer of them. The house is a constant reminder...my kids still called it 'mummy and daddy's bedroom' for months. I can finally call it mine now, months later, but we are about to sell the house and really make a fresh start. You might need a holiday at a friend's place? I know it's hard with no money. Surround yourself with friends, people-anyone! Don't lock yourself away to wallow in sadness. At least you are talking to your wife. I had to get an AVO aginst my ex. Talk about how you feel with other people - it really helps and will also stop depression setting in. Good luck - hugs from me, I hope it gets better for you soon.

Answer 4

First of all, she is not very nice to "sneak" away instead of telling you she was leaving. You need to get together and discuss your problems in depth. Find out why she doesn't feel loved and exactly why she left. If she's just bored with you and your lifestyle, then there's not much you can do about it. But maybe the two of you can both give a little to make the relationship work. You say you have no money. You said you have a job so why haven't you saved any money? Maybe that's the problem. We would probably have to know more about the two of you to advise you in depth.

Answer 5

When she quit drinking, did she join AA?

The reason I ask is I just read an article the other day that says that 25% of marriages break up when one partner joins AA.

They give several reasons in this article, but one they don't talk about is the the way the program tries to isolate members from non-members, calling them "normies" or "earth people".

And although she says there is no other man, any halfway decent looking new woman in AA receives a lot of attention once she enters the rooms. And people enter and discard relationships like it was high school.

Answer 6

you can't stop the pain. Feel it and move on. I know it sounds easier said than done. I ended my 14+ year marriage last year and although he was (still is) a total ***, he was my world. He was the first one I kissed, made love to, etc... And it hurt like heck. It has been almost a year and a half and just in the last few weeks I have felt like it is ok to see what it would be like to have a man in my life.

I suggest you go back to your family support system. I was all alone in the town I lived in with my ex always busting my *** about this or that. I packed the house the kids and the cat and moved 350 miles away in a whole new state to be near my parents and have time away from the ex to heal and learn to love again.

You say she didn't feel loved. Women feel love differently than men. That is hugely important when it comes to matters of the heart. If you know what her 'love language' is, maybe you have a chance of winning her back.

Get the book called,"The 5 Languages of Love" Last name Chapman. This talks about love languages and how each of us speak a different love language. Mine is words of praise and show of appreciation by doing things for me. His was physical touch..mostly by himself..EWWW!! anyway, I know who I am when I go into another relationship. It's true what they say: time heals all wounds. GL

Answer 7

You are depressed and in a state of panic over the loss of someone you have counted on to be their for you. I suggest having the biggest garage sell ever. Get rid of as much stuff as you can that bring you to tears. Everytime one of the garage sale items gets paid for think of the happy memories associated with it and as you are thinking about it visualize yourself putting that memory where it belongs, on a back shelf in the past. Think of how great things were and remember that you were once an individual and not a couple and that you can do it again. Talk yourself up. You are a great person, hell she was with you for over 12 years you did something right. If none of this works get yourself some therapy, go talk to a couselor better yet a social worker. Pull yourself together man, you can do it.

Answer 8

Take life minute by minute and keep telling yourself that you wont always feel this way. Let yourself hurt, it is ok. You will feel better everyday, even if it is just a tiny bit. Try and watch some really really sad movies or documentaries about people who are dying from incurable disease or are stuck in poverty and drinking out of the ganges river. It will help give you some perspective. I know right now you are feeling like she was your whole life, but she wasnt. she was just a large aspect. you need to slowly start filling ur time with other things. it is ok to grieve, give yourself some time. good luck to you.

Answer 9

u need to find someone to talk to seriously. A lot of times when one person is addicted to something legal or illegal their partner feels a sense of responsiblity and is there for them. Maybe is even a part of what type of lifestyle that ends up being. But then one day when they break the habbit, they no longer need that shoulder to try to help them through another day. They become independant and stronger...and many relationships suffer. It may just be that she needed to "get clean" and she was not in need of that "krutch" that u had become for her. Maybe u were so used to caring for someone with a problem that now u dont know what to do now that the problem got fixed.

Answer 10

Ok, let's face some facts buddy. No one leaves a perfect marriage 'all of the sudden'. Your denial is part of your problem. Face facts, there WERE ISSUES in your marriage or she would still be there. Sure your sad, that's life, but you can't even begin to hope to fix things with her so long as you are stuck so far in denial that you can't see your part in this much less any problems you two had at all.