How do you communicate with an abusive husband that says if you'd only forgive him he'd stop?

Question

My husband claims that due to my closed emotional state from 6 years of physical abuse about every 3 to 4 months causes him "frustration" because I don't immediatley forgive him with open arms which in turn "causes" him to to explode all over again. All because I am holding a grudge against him. I'm full of hate and what do I expect after showing no love for 3 to 4 months. By the way, he began this at a time when I loved him whole heartedly. Now when I come to a point I feel I can look at him and not want to spit at him and sleep beside him he considers that teasing. I explain its a starting point for me to open up again but I'm no where near ready for intimacy. He becomes angry at me turning him down and hurts me again. And again its my fault. If I would "just sweeten up" I remind him I was full of sweetness the first time he hurt me....for being an hour late from walmart after shopping with a friend. Now he is trying to use the bible and faulting me for not forgiving him.

Answer 1

You can not communicate with him, any attempt will only make him angry. To him, he is right and all problems are your fault with no exception!!! Although you loved him at one time, years of abuse destroys love but women stay for a variety of reason. All involve low self esteem. IF he was sorry (and he isn't), he would sincerely beg your forgivenss and change his behavior, not demand your forgivenss....here again, he is placing the blame on you. In many similar cases the abusive one pleads for forgivness, promises never to repeat the action, changes for a few days and restarts the unending cycle.

Obviously he is seriouslly mentally unstable, cruel, unpredictable, and is putting a guilt trip on you. He is a danger to others but probably not to himself, He needs psychiatric care in or out of a mental institution but you might be in great danger if you suggest this without authorities present. You have stayed longer than is healthy, but he will not let you leave because he would lose control of you. If you find the courage to leave, do so when he is not home, leave a note if you want, but do NOT tell him where he can find you. Do not assume that because you have survived for 6 years, that he would hesitate to take your life, and feel justified in doing so, if he feels he is threatened or is losing control of you. I hope you have friends and family for support. Also, DO NOT leave unless you have strength not to return, leaving to "bring him to his senses will not work". Women usually stay with abusive husbands because they feel it's their fault that the husband treats them cruelly and that they do not really deserve better. He depends on you feeling this way. You need counseling to overcome years of abuse and low self esteem. Look for a shelter for abused women. Please know you are not alone, that you deserve to be happy and persue a better life for yourself. You did not mention whether you have children, if you do, take them with you, If he is cruel to you, he will be cruel to them. I have seen many similar cases and some of them ended tragically. Best of luck to you.

Answer 2

GET OUT!!!! It's only a matter of time before he takes over your whole life, physical, emotional, and mental. The abuser starts with these types of tactics.

The next step is to get rid of your friends. "Baby, they don't know you the way I know you. They don't like me because they're jealous of what we have. You know every time you're with that friend, we end up fighting because of her. If you really loved me, you'd stop hanging with her." It wears on you until it is just easier to let the friends go. You've still got your family.

That's a problem for the abuser, so they have to go as well. "Honey, you know your mother has always hated me. She just doesn't understand what you and I have. Every time you see her, she talks trash about me. If you love me, then we'll move to XYZLand where we can be together." XYZLand is away from your family and your only other support, but you decide to move because maybe if your family isn't around, he'll be more confident in your relationship and it will be okay.

Now, the physical control begins. It starts with, "You're going out too much. Why were you at the store for two hours when all you had to do was pick up some groceries? You messing with that Donnie at the manager's desk. I saw you smile at him!" Yup, it has begun, and YOU ARE ALL ALONE!

Get out now if you see any of your relationship in here. Consult a women's abuse services agency in your area. The police can help you even if it's not physical yet, they can simply refer you to the agency. These agencies usually have a way of helping even if you have children, so don't hesitate because of that.

Hope this helps. Good Luck and GodSpeed!

Answer 3

Abusive situations hardly ever change ,I have been married two times when abuse was a big issue and every time the abuser tried to say sorry it want happen again and of course when things did not go their way the abuse started not long after the apology . If it wasn't for me leaving the situation I might not even be here writing this to you . Please if he has repeated behavior and this hasn't been just a one time deal where he lost it then I would consider leaving before you get seriously hurt or may not get another chance to write about it .

Answer 4

First of all, there is absolutely no excuse for a husband to abuse his wife. None. And he is totally wrong for using the bible against you also. There is absolutly nothing in the bible that can give him justice for his abuse. What he should have done is let you have your space and most of all respect you and try to be supportive of your problems. Like I have said to many of my friends that also have been in abusive relationships, you cannot live with someone who wants to hurt you. And if he thinks abusing you will get you to sweeten up, he is absolutely wrong. You know the saying you will attract more bees with honey than you will with a newspaper. That is what he needs to do. It may not be an easy thing to do, but if he will not stop the abuse, you have to and I mean absolutely have to get a divorce. Like I said there is absolutely no reason for a man to want to hurt his wife. In the bible it says that a "A MAN MUST LOVE HIS WIFE AND TREAT HER WITH RESPECT" I suggest reading up on that yourslef. if he thinks he can get back at you with the bible fight fire with fire have him read Ephesians Chapter 5 verses 25 through 33 and see what he has to say about that.

Answer 5

You've made a serious error by keeping this to yourself all this time. Everyone gets abused, but it sure sounds like you've both become accustomed to the situation.

Anger isn't a normal condition. And people that do it reflexively, do so because they've run out of options. It's time to get some counseling to learn new ideas.

Because the only other options, are to wait until something really bad happens or find a way to move out.

Answer 6

He is a liar and a con artist, even though he may not know it.
Six years of physical abuse?
Have you been to an Emergency room ever and had this documented?
Do you have witnesses?
Ever called the police?
Physical abuse only gets worse, not better.
Do you have a shelter for battered women nearby?
Any money available to you?
A bank account in your name only?
Credit card in your name only?
If he has written anything threatening or any notes at all to you, keep them in a place where he will not find them.
Have your driver's license, birth certificate, any important papers at all in a place where you can grab them and run.
If he hits you again or is about to, call 911.

HEY LISTEN!!!
Remember this: No matter what he says, it is not your fault that he is an abuser. You do not deserve this treatment.
There is help available.

Answer 7

You cannot communicate with an abusive husband. Why not, because it is always a one way street (his). First verbally then physically. You forgave him after he broke your heart. Maybe not the first time or last. Now he acts like YOU owe him something. I guess everything is your fault too according to him. I guess he tells you what to wear, who to hang out with, are you on a curfew (if he even lets you go out).. etc etc.. if not yet it will go there..don't let it go there, there is no forgiving someone who is abusive to you, you dont need that. You deserve someone who will treat you like a wife and truely loves you.
Look at yourself, do you think you really deserve to be treated that way? I doubt it. I highly doubt it.

Good luck girl!

Answer 8

hi, "full fo hate" is only the devil. now let me tell u this. i was in the same place almost. im 25 years old, and i know i found the most sweetest guy that a woman could ever want, its to the point like "it gets no better then this" but we broke up last year in april, and during that time he befriended some female, just friends or whatever, but they were still talkin on the phone and crap. and i never even heard of her or nothing. and we ended up back together llike august last year. now in may i snuck into his email and saw back in jan of 06' him and her was exchangin some emials about intimacy, and i was hurt and pissed off, and broke up with him, he even had a cruise planned out in june, and i was like 'I DONT WANNA GO" **** THAT" THIS SOME BULLSHIT"
AND DONT BUY ME A PASSPORT EITHER" girl i was mad as hell. and he begged me to forgive him, that it was just flirting and nothing was meant by it. but i would keep bringin it up "bein hateful" talk about him to his face bad. but i relized if i wanted a man that would love me and care, then he was the one, and i wanted to work it out. i started to lookin for guidance in juanita bynum and creflo dollar, the bible also, but that hatefulness is only the test of your faith. if you cant forgive then would it be right to say "god cant forgive u either for any wrong youve ever done in life?" if u really wanna stay in your realationship, just pray and ask good to lift that darkness off of you, you cant sit and worry about what he did or what hes gonna do next. just know that you gave him a chance, and that if he mess up again, that you didnt have nothing to do with it. he cant say it was all you, if you need some guidance of juanita bynum which i th ink every woman should read email me at [e-mail] and i will be glad to send u a copy. peace madinah

Answer 9

Sweetheart please don't take this wrong but it seems as if your husband is emotionally abusing you. We have all had terrible things happen to us such as abuse and it can be hard to trust again. That's not your fault if he truly loves you he would work with you and help, not torment you. God does not want us to suffer in our marriages. If you are being abused you have every reason and right to leave. I am a Christian what he is doing to you and holding the bible over your head is not right and not christian. Please take care of your self, seek help from others and leave if you have to. God bless you and I will pray for you.

Answer 10

the best way to communicate with him is with a baseball bat the the right ear.....That will clean out the siht in his head and knock some sense into him. Then use the bible on him and say the good book said to turn the other cheak...so turn your *** around and i'll give it another try.

You never hit the ones you love...you never love the ones you hit.