need a short funny monologue please?

Question

iv found a few but there not quite what im looking for. i need somthing funny and i can preform alone in less than 5 mins (3 mins would be perfect)...please help thanks.

it doesnt have to be from a play or movie it can be from anywhere

Answer 1

Can you use poetry? There are alot of humorous poems that make great monologues, but that might not be what you're looking for. I especially like some (but not all) of the children's poems listed at http://monologues.co.uk/Childrens_Favourites/index.htm. When I was in drama in High school, I used "Macavity the Mystery Cat" by T.S. Eliot and it was so much fun!

Maybe try an exerpt from Eve's Diary in "The Diary of Adam and Eve" by Mark Twain. It's funny, as well as a classic. Here is an example:

EVE: We are getting along very well now, Adam and I, and getting better and better acquainted. He does not try to avoid me any more, which is a good sign, and shows that he likes to have me with him. That pleases me, and I study to be useful to him in every way I can, so as to increase his regard. During the last day or two I have taken all the work of naming things off his hands, and this has been a great relief to him, for he has no gift in that line, and is evidently very grateful. He can't think of a rational name to save him, but I do not let him see that I am aware of his defect. Whenever a new creature comes along I name it before he has time to expose himself by an awkward silence. In this way I have saved him many embarrassments. I have no defect like this. The minute I set eyes on an animal I know what it is. I don't have to reflect a moment; the right name comes out instantly, just as if it were an inspiration, as no doubt it is, for I am sure it wasn't in me half a minute before. I seem to know just by the shape of the creature and the way it acts what animal it is. When the dodo came along he thought it was a wildcat--I saw it in his eye. But I saved him. And I was careful not to do it in a way that could hurt his pride. I just spoke up in a quite natural way of pleasing surprise, and not as if I was dreaming of conveying information, and said, "Well, I do declare, if there isn't the dodo!" I explained--without seeming to be explaining--how I know it for a dodo, and although I thought maybe he was a little piqued that I knew the creature when he didn't, it was quite evident that he admired me. That was very agreeable, and I thought of it more than once with gratification before I slept. How little a thing can make us happy when we feel that we have earned it!

The whole story is much longer and contains exerpts from both Adam's and Eve's "diaries." Funny stuff, and fodder for a good monologue. In fact, a good deal of Mark Twain's writings would make great monologues. Alot of his shorter pieces were originally presented in that format when he would go on long speaking tours. Humor is a great way to hold the audience's attention. Good luck!

I also agree with Claude about Vonnegut, but no need to limit yourself to Wanda June; there are many instances when characters make speeches. It's often dark or ironic humor, but humor nonetheless. I remember a great speech in "God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater" in which the title character addresses the audience at a science fiction convention. It would make a nice monologue in the appropriate setting, but is not as humorous as some. An excerpt from the monologue in "Happy Birthday, Wanda June" can be found at the following link: http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=62-0380761874-0.

Answer 2

Here's a great monologue from "The Best Women's Stage Monologues of 2006" Edited by: D.L. Lepidus. - Truly a great, must-have book. Anyway, SEZ SHE, by Jane Martin Actress: Ohmigod, mom, you are not, I am completely serious, going out of the hosue wearing That! B**** me out. Do you know what you look like? Mega-embarassing, OK? Mom! You are representing me at the PTA meeting, and I can;t have everybody's eight-grade parents seeing you in hooker wear. Omigod. Do you know how old you are? You are an ancient, decrepit person, mom. Sorree, but you are. Spaghetti straps, and don't even try to tell me that skirt passes the finger test, mom! Wait a minute, wait one minute, open you're mouth and hold it open. Omigod, gross! Omigod, is that a tonge piercing? Mother, menopause and tongue-piercing are polar opposites, OK? Mom, there is a dress code, you can't walk into the PTA direct from the Whore wars. God, mom, have a little self-respect will you, you're a dentist. I mean, where are we headed I would like to ask. Are you going to be one of those 60-year-olds who look like steel prunes showing endless leg with plucked eyebrows and a breast augmentation? I warn you mom, if you set foot in the PTA, I will get Dad, and Aunt Lucy, and your therapist and Father O'Keefe, and we'll do an intervention in the parking lot! I mean hand over the tanning salon discount coupons. You know, I'm sorry but the difference between who you are, and who you think you are is an unbelievable sag factor. Now go upstairs this minute and change into some long sleeves and flats, you can go to the meeting, but after that, omigod, you are so grounded! *** Good huh? Well, you can cuts parts out also. The book is chalk-full of other good monologues! Hope that helps!

Answer 3

I recommend Alan Bennet's "Kafka's Dick." There is a screamingly funny monologue at the end of the play by the angel who greets Kafka when he finally arrives in Heaven. It needs some judicious editing, but it comes in at about 2 minutes, and more time than you need for an audition, if that's what its for.

Answer 4

Educating Rita by Willy Russell

Character: Rita
Gender: Female
Age (range): 40s
Style: Comedy
Length: 2 minutes
Background Info: Liverpool accent, England.

(angrily) But I don’t wanna be charming and delightful: funny. What’s funny? I don’t wanna be funny. I wanna talk seriously with the rest of you, I don’t wanna spend the night takin’ the piss, comin’ on with the funnies because that’s the only way I can get into the conversation. I didn’t want to come to your house just to play the court jester.(....)

But I don’t want to be myself. Me? What’s me? Some stupid woman who gives us all a laugh because she thinks she can learn, because she thinks one day she’ll be like the rest of them, talking seriously, confidently, with knowledge, livin’ a civilised life. Well, she can’t be like that really but bring her in because she’s good for a laugh!

I’m all right with you, here in this room; but when I saw those people you were with I couldn’t come in. I would have seized up. Because I’m a freak. I can’t talk to the people I live with anymore. An’ I can’t talk to the likes of them on Saturday, or them out there, because I can’t learn the language. I’m a half- caste. I went back to the pub where Denny was, an’ me mother, an’ our Sandra, an’ her mates. I’d decided I was n’t comin’ here again. I went into the pub an’ they were singin’, all of them singin’ some song they’d learnt from the juke- box. An’ I stood in that pub an’ thought, just what the frig am I trying to do? Why don’t I just pack it in an’ stay with them, an’ join in the singin’?

(Angrily) You think I can, don’t you? Just because you pass a pub doorway an’ hear the singin’ you think we’re all O.K., that we’re all survivin’, with the spirit intact. Well I did join in with the singin’, I didn’t ask any questions, I just went along with it. But when I looked round me mother had stopped singin’, an’ she was cryin’, but no one could get it out of her why she was cryin’. Everyone just said she was pissed an’ we should get her home. So we did, an’ on the way home I asked her why. I said, ‘Why are y’ cryin’, Mother?’ She said, ‘Because- because we could sing better songs than those.’ Ten minutes later Denny had her laughing and singing again, pretending she hadn’t said it. But she had. And that’s why I came back. And that’s why I’m staying.

Answer 5

Try Scene Four of Kurt Vonnegut's "Happy Birthday Wanda June", where the otherwise-unseen Wanda June speaks to the audience.

Answer 6

Go out and buy/borrow Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead by Thomas Stoppard(I believe).

It has numerous funny parts, however I can't recall any specific monologues.

In fact you can probably find a link to it online.

Good luck.

Answer 7

It's a little wacky, but I wrote out the words once to Weird Al's "Albaquerque". It's really easy to snip out a few parts if it's too long. But it's a pretty funny monolgue.

Answer 8

Take one of the Cats in the Hats book and do it!@

Answer 9

A cat