Like my poem? I wrote it just now...?

Question

Once Upon A Midnight

Once upon a midnight,
The phone rings, breaking the silence.
It is you,
To see what’s up.

And on this same midnight,
I smile sleepily.
Talking in a quiet voice,
Hiding under the covers.

Once upon a midnight,
I had a dream….
That we were all together again, happy,
And all in good health, as I didn’t know.

And on this same midnight,
I awoke with tears in my eyes, for it was a dream.
And I flipped through yearbooks,
Wishing with my heart and soul it was true.

Once upon a midnight,
I awoke far too early.
Because the next day you could be gone,
And I called you and e-mailed you until I fell asleep.

On this same midnight,
I used far too many tears up.
And was determined to see you more,
Before the time came for you to leave, who knew when!

Once upon a midnight,
I couldn’t sleep.
So I crawled out of bed and watched the night,
Knowing tomorrow it would all be different.

On this same midnight,
I saw you on the lane.
And flew into your arms,
Most likely for the last time.

Now, on this midnight,
You are gone and I am here.
And I can’t sleep,
So I am writing this poem about so many different midnights.

Answer 1

do you play any instruments?


because i just made it a song. (slight revisions to fit a melody)

email me if you are and want the music.

Answer 2

OK, you have a situation and a time, as well as a feeling. What you do not have in this is space. You have crowded up this with yourself and this person. No room for the reader.

Remember: poetry is not about how YOU feel, but rather how you can make YOUR READER feel. That is the whole thrust of poetry: distilled emotion to be shot into your readers' veins, pure and high.

So step back from the poem. Let your readers in. Cut out the words "I" and "you." Talk about everything but the I and you.


Once upon a midnight
{careful here, you are invoking Poe. Most catch that}
breaking the silence, the phone.
{invert the construction and see what it gets you. Rings is redundant. Most know or can imagine a phone ringing}
A voice light as _____ _ {whatever is light to you}
"What’s up?"

That was an example. Tighten it up. Get rid of the I and You. Make it universal so the reader can get involved. All poems need polishing and pruning. You have a start. Keep after it.

Answer 3

Once upon a Midnight Dreary while I pondered weak and weary.. Edgar is that you?

Answer 4

NO I hate most poems thiugh...just say what it is you want to say and get over yourself....smae message as in your poem only easier to understand....I miss you....three words

Answer 5

like it up until the last line

Answer 6

its ok..........but i dont feel,the love,i cant feel your emotion,when writing a poem,we have to feel you,and your words are not in my hearts grasp.

you see you felt,that i didnt like it to much,,,,,,,,,,,i was descpritive,be descpitive

Answer 7

it sounds really good i really like it is very interesting

Answer 8

it gots too many new stuff

Answer 9

it's kinda long, but its ok

Answer 10

way too "sweet" for my taste... but its...mhmm ok.