i mean, emotional threats / blackmail / intimidation / subtle or not so subtle manipulation / trashing your self - esteem, etc, etc
i am interestedi n the dynamics of all this. how they get away with it and are they concious they are doing it? do they think it is right? can they ever be taught otherwise? do they think this is a "love" relationship?
2006-09-06 10:43:04 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
i was with mine for 26 years .he was a heavy drinker every night he would come home and start . in the morning he was sorry in the end i could not take it i left . i am a lot happier now ,
2006-09-06 17:37:38 · answer #1 · answered by carolyn m 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I went through the same thing.
Its a very long story, I was only 18 at the time and we were together on and off for 3 years.
He said I was ugly and no other man would want me etc, so I stayed with him.
If I told him to leave one evening he said no and I would feel nervous around him until the morning.
I was then watching a chat show, TRISHA if you are in the UK and the women that usually go through the same say 'but I love him' and I thought it was predicatable.
I then asked myself why was I still with him, I dont love him, I dont want to marry him, I dont want kids with him, he was in and out of prison and taking drugs and drinking.
I then packed all my things, and hired a removal van and left and did not tell him where I went.
I had to find a new job etc.
Still to this day he still has no idea where I have gone, ITS SINCE BEEN 2 1/2 years.
HA!
2006-09-07 13:55:23 · answer #2 · answered by Rebz 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I stayed in one for 8 years, not physically violent but emotionally debilitating and very manipulative. He would only show awareness of his behaviour when I left (which I did on 3 occasions before finally making it for good). He'd be really apologetic and admit everything - then within weeks of my return would revert to the same behaviour and if I tried to challenge it then he would turn it all on me and get furious. He to this day believes he was the wronged party, there is no logic to his arguments whatsoever but because he appears to believe in them so strongly there's no point arguing. Luckily I don't have to argue any more as for my sanity I have cut off contact altogether. Yes his biggest argument was that he loved me so much so nothing else should matter. There were issues in his past which I believe caused him to behave in the way he did and he did try to get professional help but didn't stick at it and didn't change. Don't know if he's different in his new relationship.
2006-09-07 08:40:20 · answer #3 · answered by susie03 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I am in such relationship. It is very subbtle because my husband is intelligent and I am too emotional. Well, the way I dealt with that is that it destroyed me for years. Should take the blame because I initiated the relationship and no one forced me to stay.
Things start changing when you decide it is not right for you. When as an individual you start realising that is not what you want to live (anymore). I could not ask myself if that was a "love" relationship because what I wanted was to be with him (and yes, I felt I loved him and believed in his ability to be different). Now, I am gradually stoping to find him all sorts of excuses. But this is a very gradual process, and it come together with the decision that you want to be treated the right way.
Hope that helps. You have not said whether you are in that position or whether it is pure "research" for the fun of it. ah ah
2006-09-07 01:15:43 · answer #4 · answered by Claire 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I got out of a relationship like this 3 years ago and it was the best thing I could have done. I ended up needing psychiatric help and surgery for physical attacks. I tried to take my own life to get out of the situation.
These type of relationships are not out of love but of one persons quest to gain control and manipulate another. We ended up having a child but as soon as I saw my newborn I knew I had to make a change for her sake.With a strong family and friend network I moved on and have totally changed my life in ways nobody would have expected.
2006-09-06 18:36:28 · answer #5 · answered by kez29 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It is difficult to say what the intimidator thinks about it, as they never reveal what is going on in their heads. Its just us on the receiving end who are left thinking that very same question.
They beat away at your self-esteem and take every opportunity to remind you that without them you would be nothing. And after a while you start believing this. They stamp out the spark of every sign of independence and try to keep you reliant upon them. They try to make you believe it is because they love you and they care about you, but the truth is, they are dependent on you and they fear without you they would be nothing. They cannot bear the thought of you leaving them and they make you feel guilty for showing any interest in your own life.
Everything you do they want to be a part of. You end up treading on egg shells around them incase you hurt their feelings, and pretty soon, their feelings become more important than your own, and before you do anything, you always have to consider them first.
You end up resentful, defeated, and stuck. You live your life by their rules, and feel you can't move on with your own life. Talking to them about how you feel is not an option as they quickly become angry, unable to accept any of your concerns. They will walk off and turn the situation around on you, making you feel gulity for the stress they put on you. You end up apologising for their behaviour, just to keep the peace.
They believe they have an excuse for the way they behave, they are never wrong and they very rarely apologise for what they do.
2006-09-07 09:10:14 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I Divorced my ex Husband for exactly the above!
If your going through it, get out now! It was difficult at first but I never regretted it! Nor looked back!! Why would you stay if your so unhappy?!
My ex is still getting away with it! Everyone blames me for our break-up and his family think i'm a bi*ch for taking his daughter away because they never saw what was going on behind closed doors!
He is a compulsive liar too!
He was nice to me in public (most of the time) and a bully inside. How can you treat someone you love like this?
When I left he spread rumours about me.
I'm happier out of it.
2006-09-06 17:55:13 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Women always try to "fix their men. Get this in your head, you can't fix 'em and no matter how many tears or promises made, they are not going to change. I divorced my husband with great pleasure. Although he still tries to control me thru our children, I am so proud of myself for making it in spite of him.
Remember, it is a weak man that will manipulate, berate or even beat you to make you feel you cannot do better. Then this weak man feels in control. Do the math, do the bad times out weigh the good times? Dump the dude.
2006-09-06 18:18:41 · answer #8 · answered by littledarling54 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I think some familys actually relate this way! How is there family in this way?You can just shut it off by not saying anything and just stare at the person when they do this.Its the rise you give thats the reason /Makes you look crazy instead of them.Dont give them the fix and it will stop!
2006-09-06 17:49:54 · answer #9 · answered by jessy 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is so not the place for this. Go to the local womens shlter and ask if someone there is willing to tell you her story.
Abuse is a very private thing and these women deserve just that.
Subjecting them to the moronic crew that is on this board is cruel in and of itself. there are just too many here that like to belittle and make crude, rude comments.
2006-09-10 04:10:24 · answer #10 · answered by ? 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋