Not being the most important woman in my fiance's life! Help!?

Question

I was just wondering if it is normal/healthy for my 23 year old fiance, who still lives at home, to tell me that I will always be the number 2 woman in his life. Of course, his mother is number 1. This makes me so mad and whenever I tell him about it, he tells me that I am freaking out and that I need to stop letting stuff get to me. Yet he shares stuff with her that is totally inappropriate. He also has no problems showering while she is in the bathroom naked as well. His mother totally has him doing things that are unreasonable-he drops everything do do whatever she wants-even interrupting our dinner and he has to run home-then before we leave dinner he orders take out for her-she calls him all the time and does things for him that I think 23 year old men should do for themselves-it pisses me off that he tells people I am his fiancee and future wife and all that crap-I don't think I stant a chance-I will not make him choose-i will leave-any ideas on how to let him know I am serious?

Answer 1

That is completely unacceptable. A wife should never be second to a mother. Maybe equal but even that is pushing it. You don't want a guy that will always put you second do you? Thats bull ****. You need to give him an choice between putting you first or leaving him. If he really loves you it should be an easy decision.

Answer 2

No matter what you do or say this will never change! They'll laugh at you and say you're the one with the problem. Get out!He's a momma's boy and in inapporpeiate ways, what she says goes and always will! You are too young and have a good head on your shoulders - you know what you want and he is not it so waste no more time and find the one that fills all your needs first before mothers! Serious makes no difference in their eyes this is the way it always has been and the way it always will be no matter what you say they know no other way! You can find a man that stand on his own two feet and sticks up for himslef and his gal! This is just crazy and I can't see much of a life in this kind of situation at least not for you, some other gal may be able to deal with it but you nor I would or could! If you are having these problems now think of what it would be like if you married him and I promise you this it will only get worse! Good luck!

Answer 3

Great question! But, sorry you're going through this. Here's how you tell someone this:
1. Set up a time to talk when you know there will be no distractions; agree on a time with him. Tell him there is something important you want to talk about.
2. When you meet, start by telling him exactly what he is doing that you dislike, and state specific behaviors. Don't generalize, be concise, and don't raise your voice. Also, don't attempt to explain why you think he does what he does; again, just state only the specific things he has been doing.
3. Tell him how those things make you feel: belittled, unimportant, pessimistic about the future of your relationship. Again, state your feelings calmly and matter-of-factly.
4. Tell him exactly what you would like him to do differently. Again, be specific. Have this part planned in advance, and give him 3 things or less you want him to change or do differently. Make sure they are reasonable and doable, things that are important to you; now is not the time to make him squirm.
5. Give him a deadline for completing the items in Step 4, a definite date for each one. When you tell him the last date, tell him that, if these things are not all accomplished by then, you will consider your relationship to be over, finished, on that date.
6. Calmly answer questions and provide any clarification he asks for, and leave him on a positive note by expressing optimism that he can do what you're asking, that you know that your relationship is important to him, and assuring him that you want to be able to stay with him.

Answer 4

Oh geez. My mother in law isn't THAT bad, but she drives me insane. My husband does do the whole share inappropriate stuff and in his eyes his mother LOVES me. She is one of those manipulative types that does well shielded insults, so that if i tell him he can say "oh, she didn't mean it like that". Hes her oldest and the first to marry and she can't stand to let him go and latch onto the other 11. Anyway, if yours is that bad- still at home, being nude in front of his mother, and ESPECIALLY if you are expected to live with her after you marry- you RELALY need to consider leaving. You might have to make it an ultimatum. If he has been seeing you for a long time....thats even worse. A lot of men lighten up, but as his wife- you should be #1. ANd you aren't overreacting. Try speaking to his mother about it, too. If you get along with her, even better, she might understand and help you out.

Answer 5

I'm sorry but you need to run and find a real man. This does not sound like a situation that will improve. Can you imagine what your life would be like if you have children with him???This does not sound normal at all. If you insist on staying with him then the two of you should go to counselling together and maybe a third party could straighten this out. Best of Luck.

Answer 6

WRONG WRONG WRONG

I dumped a guy when I was 25 becuase he said the same thing to me.

This is a HUGE RED FLAG. This man has NOT grown up, still goes crying to mommy and relies on her for too much. You need to DUMP him and find someone who is independent, doens't NEED to live at home and wants a woman in his life that will be his best friend and his partner.

if you marry him - he will always compare you to his mom (who has 20 more years of experience at being a wife and a mother as you do, so she'll always win) and he will always run to mommy when there are problems. this man is NOT mature enough to get married.

RUN

Answer 7

Were talking about his mother,you can never take that place in his heart and why would you want to?For that matter why would want to compete with his mother anyway?I know there has to be someone in your life living or dead that has a place in your heart that no one could take,well his is alive and it's his mother.You need to respect that.Even though he loves you your not his whole world,your a part of his world that makes it complete.His mother does for him things you obvious won't do and he shows his thanks by doing things for her even if it hurts you or ruins your evening.If you can't handle being number 2 then get out while you can.If you make him choose between you or his mother,you'll lose hands down.I'm not saying you are,but you do sound very vain.He's right,don't let it get to you.Good luck.

Answer 8

Whoa, reconsider your marriage to this little momma's boy. You will always be #2? What kind of crap is that? No son should put his soon-to-be-wife behind his mother - EVER! He's only 23 and sounds very young and immature....seriously, do not marry him or your life will be hell from day 1!

Answer 9

No this is not normal and he is the epitome of a "mommas boy"! You need to cut your losses and move along. He will never understand your view, as his love for his mother will always cloud his judgment. Save yourself the stress and heartache. Return his ring and give it some time. He may wake up and he may not, but you have to force the issue. Otherwise, you will always be #2!

Answer 10

Dump that Momma's boy ASAP and get yourself a real man. He will never change, so don't go into a marriage thinking you can change him. It will only get worse, not better. If he's that freaky with his mother and you know about it, I can only imagine what you may not know. Ugghh! Be afraid - be very afraid. Dude needs some serious mental health counselling.