Why does husband withhold sex and affection from me?

Question

He says he loves me, but he is withholding affection and refuses sex or intimacy. He won't sleep in bed with me, will kiss me once and then pull away. We never had a honeymoon.

I feel he resents me, and may be manipulating the relationship. I feel he didn't want to get married as I did - so soon.

I am insecure but feel if he would only give me more affection than I would be happier. I have a lot of love inside to give to him.

Before me, he had little money. Now, he enjoys good food, the "extras" he didn't have before. I cook and clean, work 40 hrs a week. I even give him massages weekly and don't withhold oral on him when he asks.

We have only been intimate about 10 times in a year. It is emotional abuse. He won't go to counseling. I thought he was my soul mate, but now I may leave him because I feel hurt and feel he doesn't care enough.

He won't smoke outside even though I have told him it bothers me.
Why would he be this way? And then tell me to stay?

Answer 1

It sounds to me like he is using his affection to control you. He is obviously lacking respect for you, your feelings, and your health. Yes, he is emotionally abusing you. He has some issues, and it may not have much to do with you. But you need to command some respect because you deserve it! You work your butt off only to come home to this man who thinks he can treat you poorly? No. Make good on your threats to leave if he won't work at counselling. You have worth, value, and you matter. If you don't matter to him, then he has no right to tell you to stay. I'd want you to stay too if you were treating me so good...

Answer 2

I am so sorry to hear that. You know, I had a similar situation with my EX husband. He never gave me affection and we only had sex once or twice a month. We did sleep in the same (when he was actually home). It destroyed me. I eventually got up the courage to leave him. It wasn't good for me or my child.

I know that you are hurting. And, the hurt runs deep. Nobody knows how much so. You are shunned and holding back your love and feelings. You need affection, everyone does. Most importantly, you DESERVE AFFECTION AND LOVE. Don't live this way anymore. It's not worth it. You have to love yourself more. You can try counseling although I doubt he will go. Just build yourself up and REMEMBER you are a wonderful person no matter what.

Best of luck and I truly hope that you find happiness soon.

Answer 3

You have 3 possiblites.
1)Regardless of his age there may be an underlying medical condition he needs to get checked out. If he is a little over wieght or his family has a history of diebetes, high blood pressure, oany form of heart disease. talk to a doctor to rule this out. If that is the issue hed aviod you b/c he doesnt want to let you down if he cant live up to what you want.
2)Some guys are wonderful lovers while you date, but after words you are married it just really stops. It depends on how his parents were when he was a kid.Counseling can help with this if that is the issue.
3)If he was not reay to get married and felt pressured into it he may well resent the marriage. This is not a good thing to have to deal with, and yes he would most certainly aviod you.

I personally hope its number 2 and if it has to be anything else then number one. Good luck.

Answer 4

I ve been married for almost 35 years and my spouse withholds sex. As a Christian I know this is a form of spousal abuse. What s worse he won t communicate with me about it. After years of me discussing this and he looking at me dumbfounded, I have now lost all intimate/sexual feelings for him and possibly the love I had. The resentment, anger, sadness and depression I feel is overwhelming. I usually live in one part my house while he in the other. Seeing and speaking to him now makes me disgusted. At one point I loved this man and thought he d never do anything to make me feel this way, as he was supposed to be my protector from hurt, but he is he one killing our marriage. I don t have a job currently so I can t live on my own, so I m stuck. I really don t want a separation or divorce, but I also don t want to live my life like this, and may have to consider it. I keep my looks and body in very good shape and have had more than several chances to go out with other men, which believe me is tempting. It feels good when a man says you re sexy, since you don t get it at home. I don t want to go that direction either, but why I should have to give up a very important part of my life because my spouse is a selfish asshole. He only thinks of himself, not how his reactions are affecting us as a couple. I m at my wit s end and want to know what to do. I m going to see a counselor hopefully soon and I hope she can shed some light on all of this. I feel for any woman going thru this as it s such a rejection and makes me feel unwanted and ugly.

Answer 5

Your husband is a controlling man. Maybe you need to not do so much for him. Show him how it feels not to get what it is that he wants. Marriage is a 50/50 thing. It sounds like he just married a maid who gives oral. Tell him that if things don't change then you will leave and if they don't leave. You are just degrading yourself by staying with him. There is nothing wrong with wanting affection or sex. Maybe you too just don't agree on what a wife is. You need to tell to care of business or you will leave and find someone who can.

Answer 6

Honey, he's using you. Don't be surprised if you find out he cheats on you too. I don't mean to sound so harsh, but if he didn't have this kind of life without you then he is not going to let it go. You do what he wants and he sounds spoiled by you. That is only bad because he doesn't show that he appreciates it. Maybe you need to sit down and talk to him. Give him an ultimatum. Tell him that you will leave him unless you find out what is going on. If he acts as if he doesn't care then he's not worth being with in the first place.

Answer 7

If you love him so much as you have said, then i would advice you give him a benefit of doubt.There might be something really bordering him that he wish you know.Just allow him have the relation as he wishes for sometime without your trying to interfer in the script.He might likely come around and perhaps tell you what is wrong with him.Are you aware there are some ailment that reduces mens sex urge ?and often times he feels like having you, his body is not responding.and this agitation puts him under stress that makes him smoke even when you dont like it.just to make you get angry and not be in the mood to have fun.love is patience,kind and understanding even as am aware that eveything has its limit.i really feel for you and do wish you good luck

Answer 8

Did you used to get more affection (/sex) and it stopped after marriage? or has it always been this way (assuming he's no gay... why?)?

if it's the first one and you want to save the marraige ask yourself why things changed. You should work on this together but if you think he's worth it and he wont go to counseling, ask yourself what you can do to make things better? Why isn't he more open with you? Can you help him to open up? make yourself look better? sexier? more enticing? What steps can you take to encourage intimacy? (www.lovingyou.com)
If the 2nd question is true ask yourself why things have developed in this way and if his companionship is worth it to you to maintain this unloving relationship. What are the positive aspects that he brings to your life? are they worth it to put up with all the unhappiness? / disappointment the marraige brings to you at this point? Do the pros outweigh the cons? or not? Go write them down and think a bit more about your relationship and what you can/shuld/want to do.

good luck

Answer 9

Sorry if this sounds silly. I kinda get that way if my wife keeps refusing me sex for a couple of weeks in a row. I'm just trying to turn the tables on her. Do you think he maybe doing something like that to you for some reason? if so, he may be real good at the game.
Another option, could he have sexual problems? erectile problems or just lack the stamina to keep up to you and this embarrasses him. So he don't want you to notice?
either way good luck

Answer 10

Just tell him how you feel. Sit the both of you down and tell him calmly. If he doesnt understand how you feel then he doesnt truly love you! Quit doing everything for him also. Its like this your giving your all 100% and hes giving 10% . Its not right. If he doesnt change what hes been doing...or get help or talk to you on why he isnt loving you...then i would leave him to be honest. Good luck and i hope it works out for you.