I have a poem which I would like reviewed.?

Question

"THE BEAST HAS MY NUMBER"

The windows to my soul
are shattered
somewhere in the darkness my heart dwells
in impudent silence
Beating

I'm shaking still
for the cataclysms of the past
have me hopelessly lost
In my own existence

I hear voices calling from all around
Unable to follow any
or be found
Lost in this endless maze...
It is maddening!

The darkness folds around me
enveloping me in it's grasp
beckoning me to stay
never go back

My mind begins drifting
Prayers slip silently from my lips
I can utter but a whimsical reprove

My body shudders in it’s grasp
The noose has it's hold
I try to scream
but can only gasp
as my life lights up before me

My body retches in spasms
as I claw furiously, shake violently
to free myself
But the Serpents hold only tightens

I feel a presence now
The heat feels as though it will consume me
moving closer
the stench fills my pores

The Beast is magnificent
I can but cower in it's presence
Knowing...
I shall be consumed

In the Beasts jowls now
from just one swift move
The saliva is putrid
and burns like acid

All that I am
beginning to dissolve
Eating away my very being

Death becomes Me!

Images pass through my mind
Another place, another time

Blue sky’s, White clouds
The scent of a Flower
To feel again
for just a moment


by tonywdidit

Author's Comments:
"I wrote this while wondering what takes place in the mind of one who would choose to commit suicide. How the events may unfold, in this case by hanging oneself. And perhaps the event as they unfold as one slips into the grasp of death and perhaps towards hell. As well as any last thought one may have as they slip away completely."

Answer 1

Very dark but very moving. You are obviously talented!! Keep writing!

Answer 2

I think that it is very well written. I didn't get the idea that you were talking about suicide though. I thought that you were trying to run from the devil and go to the light. I guess that's a spiritual interpretation. I think of suicide more as something that someone is not afraid to do, but as a last resort- as the only thing the person feels they can do. I saw that there was a lot of resisitance and a lot of fear.
Again, I think you did a great job. It flowed beautifully, and you were able to convey a distinct feeling. Even though my interpretation was different than yours that doesn't matter. Everyone who reads it will have a different opinion. Good job.

Answer 3

I don't like it because it is not all that original. I think you have a talent though, but you need to go deeper into details and descriptive and you have to veer away from abstract thoughts. There is too much abstract in this (my mind, my heart, thoughts,...) . Who cares about minds and thoughts? or your heart beating? We want to get inside your mind as see the "concrete" ideas that make these feelings have life to them.

Nothing here "stuck"... yeah a lot of melancholy, but it's too staged. If you want strong melancholy in a poem, don't write, "I feel lousy"....say it in a way that makes your lousiness stand out.

Focus on a detail that only you see from your eyes and let the metaphor "cook" inside the reader's mind the feelings you have.

No one wants to "know what you feel" but rather, they want to see what you see that makes that feeling stand out.

Delete this one and start over. This is abstract mind fodder. Show me a real part of your mind and then, you will attract more interested readers.

As of now, your poetry is raw materials that needs to be refined. Don't worry, the girls will love your stuff. They love anything that is called poetry. You know you are good if a guy actually tells you, "dude, that was powerful."

This wasn't. I am objective because I don't wanna get laid by you.

Answer 4

i admire this poem because of the fact it creates a worldwide in itself. that's what i think of a poem could do. A poem, making use of compression of words, makes a splash worldwide, like a singular does with 1000's of words, and prefer a movie does with pictures and time. study the poem over (out-loud) -- according to possibility tape checklist your voice interpreting it, then hear heavily for words that could get replaced so the rhythm of the poem flows and the sound of the poem additionally flows. in the previous each thing the snail is basically some thing on your memory, yet then with out adequate transition, it is going to become some thing in the room with you. I placed some innovations into the poem in parens... The Snail Time drags (on) as I sit down in the waiting room I (squirm) in the overstuffed settee The (ominous) floral wallpaper Has me cornered I’ve seen (loss of life) snails circulate speedier than this clock’s (fake) golden palms I sigh a deathly breath of boredom and concern, And p.c.. up a brochure approximately teeth whitening One pass to and your teeth would be (superb) like Hilary Duff’s The sleepy snail starts off to wakeful As I study bearing directly to the bleaching of teeth yet by making use of the 0.33 interpreting the snail has been shot by making use of a tranquilizer gun I lean back into the comfortable settee and experience sorry approximately observing the clock because of the fact now the snail is distressingly nevertheless One final heave the two the snail and that i are approximately to die of boredom The dark door opens revealing an exceedingly cheery face from whose open mouth and shining white teeth I hear my call rising. The snail marches on ----

Answer 5

I liked it. I kind of got lost in it when I was reading it. I just don't like the thought of suicide. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And a selfish way out. But the poem was intrigueing, to me in it's wording. I'm no expert though. It's depressing to think of a person feeling that way though because it's sad. But I'm by far no expert.

Answer 6

Everything seemed very original until I reached the "Death becomes Me!" because even I have used that line. Otherwise I enjoyed it. A search for "death becomes me" on Yahoo came up with over 2,000 hits. While a search for "I can utter but a whimsical reprove" came up with ZERO.

Answer 7

This is a good poem, but I have to ask do you use mind altering drugs? (seriously no disrespect it is a good poem) Because I find that I can write my best poems, theories, and stories; when I am under the influence of a percocet, oxycontin, etc...

And when I read them when I am sober I think "holy cow I wrote this"?

Answer 8

I like it in the sense of maybe trying to reach out to people against suicide--keep up the good work!!

Answer 9

Go to this website and published your poem for free.

http://www.poetry.com/

A lot more people will see it then if you post it on yahoo answers. I wouldn't say this if I didn't think it was a great poem. Keep up the writing.

Answer 10

First thought: ho hum.

Second thought: I liked the occassionaly rhyme, and the rhythm worked sometimes. Still, the poem is ho hum, typical. Are you a teenager, if so, then thumbs up, if not, then grow up!

Answer 11

Say, listen, I think that is good stuff! Since you appreciate dark stuff, have you ever read W.B. Yeats's "The Second Coming"? (I'll but you have, but if not, you'll like it -- It's at the link below.)