On the subject of grief, hatred and vengeance?

Question

Disclaimer: This isn't based on any experience I've been involved with, let alone my own direct life experience.

Is it appropriate for persons with close relations to someone believed to have committed a heinous crime, or convicted of said crime, to ask for forgiveness from the victim and those close to him?

Is it insensitive for persons so close to the person whom the victim and those with intimate relations to him might naturally be expected to hate and want to do harm to to try to speak in defense of the accused or guilty?

Feel free to differentiate between the statuses of guilt and presumed guilt.

Yes, an inference that I don't believe in this context it's usually appropriate to defend the supposed otherwise good character of the defendant to the alleged victim and ask him to forgive him, would be correct.

Even absent a conviction, I would be outraged if I had to go through this and then had the accused good points told to me.

Yet, I don't believe in revenge.

Accused's.

It's just that, if, say, a loved one was killed and the mother of his murderer started calling me about forgiving him, I'd be angry. I would understand why, but it comes of to me as an almost callous, arrogant expectation. I think I should be left alone more than anything.

Answer 1

You have no friends, you have no enemies, you only have teachers.

It is hard to forgive when the anger and grief is so fresh, and it is hard to forgive the most heinous of crimes, but those of us who seek true spiritual enlightenment must do this, not for the perp, but for ourselves. Peace. Stay the course. It will all work out.

Answer 2

I would have no problem with a close relation of the perpetrator calling me, as long as they did not try to make excuse or justify what the person did, "he's had a rough life, he's a good person, etc" , as long as they were not harrassing me just to hear what will make them feel better, and as long as they were sensitive to the pain I would be going through and not doing the ' I understand how you feel, etc' I am not for vengence and retaliation- that is between thenm and God and I believe or at least I hope I could forgive. I also understand that the family members of the perpetrator would be going through some heavby emotional issues and may need closure, comfort etc. So I would have no problems with them calling and making an effort as long as they did it with respect, if I am not ready, let me work through my emotions to get to that point and don't have any expectations, then if I never get to that point leave it alone- they could not really get what they would need from me anyway, though it may be a start.
Seek frogivenesss and comfort from the Lord.

Answer 3

It's always appropriate to "ask". Whether or not forgiveness is given is up to the victim. You are confusing ethics with manners which are, in my opinion, separate.

For example; how can we blame Laci Peterson's mother for not forgiving Scott? Does that mean Scott should not ask once he's on his death bed? Of course not. The world will be watching and waiting to see if he asks for forgiveness, therefore, admitting that he committed the crime. We all want that because it gives us closure. However, we don't necessarily want to see Laci's mother to forgive Scott. That would be going beyond human expectation, Sainthood even, worthy of Mother Teresa, which she may very well do.

PS. To: Ms Vy- The bible may have said an Eye for an Eye, but Gandhi finished the statement when he said, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind". Chew on that during your next bible study.

Answer 4

i don't believe in revenge either and b/c we might find ourselves in the same position as the perpetrator and wouldn't we want people to be sympathetic to us? but that doesn't mean we should let the perpetrator escape without punishment. it should be part of the learning process to regret the wrongs done. but the reason we are a civilized race is b/c we can forgive people their faults and give them room to improve themselves. everybody deserves a second chance b/c you can turn out to be better than you and anyone else thought so no it's not wrong to ask forgiveness from the victim or to speak in defense of the accused. you are granted that right by law.

Answer 5

Interesting question.

I do not feel it is wrong for the close relative or friend to ask for forgiveness but they should not hound you over it. To ask once or twice is fine but they better be ready for the answer to be no.

Answer 6

The bible says "An eye for an eye" so a death for a death and I would forgive the accused and pray for them as they died slowly and I watched with the same compassion for them that they felt when they murdered my loved one.

Answer 7

But I am for revenge

Answer 8

if some one killed somebody i know I'd blow there f.u.c.k.i.n.g heads off so ya i guess I'm for revenge

Answer 9

As Christians, it is not our place to judge. It is our duty to love & pray and live according to the way Jesus taught us to live. However, we should not invite unbelievers into our life, because with them comes the evil spirit that will effect us in negative ways. However, if we have unbelievers in our family, jobs and other aspects of our lives that we cannot escape, we must be sure to live the way we know is Godly & right and not let their ways make us stumble. One of the best ways to do this is to pray, read scripture, and not become an enabler to those who have strayed. Consider the following:
Praying For Prodigals
If you know people who have wandered off from God's truth, don't write them off. Go after them. Get them back and you will have rescued precious lives from destruction and prevented an epidemic of wandering away from God. (James 5:19-20)
Sheryl was having a few last sips of coffee before heading for a women's ministry meeting when the phone rang. "Mrs. Stewart, I need some information concerning your son Trent," the voice said. "Whatever for? Has he been in some kind of accident?" she asked, her heart and mind racing. "No, your son was arrested for possession and sale of illegal drugs, ma'am. He's going to need a good lawyer." Sheryl leaned against the kitchen wall, frozen, trying to absorb the clerk's words: ". . . felony offense . . . could get five to ten years . . . bail set at $50,000 . . ." As reality sank in, she became physically sick and then began sobbing . The drug problems hadn't just begun; Trent had started with alcohol in high school and then moved on to marijuana. When his parents set boundaries, home became a battlefield. The more they tried to help him and hold him accountable, the more he resisted. Trent hated his parents' attempts to "control" him, and Sheryl dreaded getting up each morning to face the next skirmish. "What did we do wrong?" Sheryl asked herself. She and her husband had brought up their kids in a Christian home, and both had served God in a ministry for years. They'd been involved in their kids' schools and sports. Family activities had been a priority. Sheryl had prayed for her kids daily on her own and in groups. Now everything was a constant fight.
In her anguish over Trent's rebellion, Sheryl was driven to her knees. As she increasingly poured out her heart to God, she realized she had never really known how to connect emotionally with God. The majority of her quiet time had been spent preparing to teach Bible studies and praying her list of needs and requests -- almost like taking care of her "to-do" list.
CONNECTING WITH GOD
Sheryl changed her approach. She set aside her agenda and each morning entered into God's presence, just to experience His love and to connect with Him through a verse or two. Her verse for the day became a springboard for communion and ongoing prayer throughout the day. She began to understand what it meant to be still and know that He is God.
As she did, God moved her from focusing on all the negative things about her son to praising Him instead for the positive. Yet a constant mental, emotional, and spiritual battle raged. When Trent was rude or uncooperative, her temptation was to react. She had to consciously put on "a garment of praise".She read her daily Bible passage until she felt the Holy Spirit stopping her at a verse. Then she wrote that verse on two 3 X 5 cards—one went in a clear frame on the kitchen sink and the other on her car's dashboard—and asked God to teach her something about His character revealed in the verse. She would praise Him for that attribute all day. God, not the problem, was her (now) focus.

PRAYER SUSTAINS US IN THE BLACKEST DAYS
Three years of praising God daily for who He is and how He was working in their family not only deepened her relationship with the Lord, but it also prepared her for what was ahead. On the outside, things got worse. Although Trent briefly stopped using drugs during the summer, he began using and selling drugs again when he went away to college.
Sheryl prayed and fasted. Out of this time came deep peace and confidence that God was still in charge, and He wasn't letting go of Trent. A few days later, Trent was arrested, and eventually he was sentenced to six months in jail. He recounted the next events in a letter he wrote from jail:
"After I got arrested with multiple felony drug charges, I had no idea how drastically and quickly God would do his work. Before my arrest, my life was selling drugs. I was indifferent to my family and wasting my education. God rescued me from the depths of my despair by raiding my apartment and instantly cleaning out the physical impurities of my life. From that point God took care of me. . . Jail was the most awesome time of my life. I had the privilege to leave this world and my old life and hang out with God for four months. He turned me completely inside out as I learned and experienced the strength of His perspective . . . I know that it was the prayers of many which kept God so close to me and held my eyes on Him so I could see no other way . . .
When Trent went back to college the next fall, he took bold steps. He shared with other students, his professors, and even those he'd sold drugs to, what God had done in his life. . . . When we trust God enough to leave our broken dreams with Him, "not only do we eventually get them back gloriously restored, but are also handed a surprising plus," says Catherine Marshall. "We find for ourselves what the saints . . . affirm, that during the dark waiting period when self-effort had ceased, a spurt of astonishing spiritual growth took place in us. Afterwards we have qualities like more patience, more love for the Lord and those around us, more ability to hear His voice, greater willingness to obey." Sometimes we become shrouded in a fog of discouragement or weariness, and it looks like things will never change. But press on. Keep praying. That breakthrough may be just around the corner.