21 years old and regretting marriage...?

Question

I'm a 21 year old female who has been with my husband Tom for 4 years, and married 1 year. When we were first dating, I was only 17 and cheated on him a few times with a co-worker, but I never told Tom. We got engaged when I was 19, and married at 20. The year in planning the marriage was exciting and I think I got caught up in all the planning, not realizing all the responsibilities and sacrifices marriage entails. Now, after a year in marriage, I want to be able to go out and meet new people and experience what being 21 is all about. Tom is a 23-year old "born again Christian" who frowns upon partying/drinking, but that's what I like to do to have fun these days. When I met Tom, he was just as into partying as me, but he changed right before the wedding. Lately I've been sneaking around to go out with friends to clubs and I've also met a guy (who knows I'm married) that I like to have fun with. I tried suggesting to Tom that maybe we should move out and do our own thing for a little

while and see if we end up back with each other, but he is very emotional and set on us NEVER getting divorced. I didn't want to tell him all the stuff I have been doing behind his back because if I have a change of heart, I don't want him not to trust me ever again. I don't want to lose a great guy, but I am also torn with wanting to go out and have fun. It's like having my cake and eating it too. Is there any advice you can give me for my sticky situation? Thanks!

Answer 1

What's more important to you? Your marriage to Tom or your social life?

I think it's safe to say that a lot of young couples who get married have not grown into the person they are going to become. Once that begins, some people tend to grow in opposite directions, with goals, education, employment, children...

I would sit down and talk with your husband about what you just written. I don't think you should move out and do your own thing... your husband's 'thing' is you and your marriage! Perhaps you can come to an agreement that allows you to go hang out with your friends on some (not every) weekends.

And this guy friend that you met and like to have fun with... bad news! I'm sure he's just a friend, but if you have any male friends, then your husband should know them as well.

Answer 2

First off, acceptance is one of the most important things in marriage. Neither of you are very accepting of what the other person is about - and this situation will make you both unhappy and unfulfilled in the long run. What good is being with a "great person", if they cannot accept who you are, and you can't accept who they are? It's not so great anymore, is it. Religion is one of the most difficult things to deal with in a marriage, because it's immune to any kind of rational argument. There's no way for him to change *your* mind about having fun - and you can't change *his* mind about it either - simply because this difference of opinion is not rooted in reason; objectively neither one of your ways is "better" than the other, it's all about how each one of you wants to live your lives.

One thing is for certain: all people make mistakes. There's NOTHING wrong in admitting one made a mistake, and moving on. People get married, people divorce; it's a fact of life, whether your husband likes it or not. He will get over it just like everyone else does. I'm not saying that partying is more important than marriage, not at all. But it's important to be able to spot the differences that have the potential to make everyone miserable in the future. Be realistic about the possibility of resolving these differences; try to find common ground, and accept and support each other. If you can't get past that, staying married because he "isn't ever going to get divorced" is not the answer. He can't make this decision for both of you.

Answer 3

U r a nieve little girl, who i think hasnt grown up yet. U should know what marriage is all about, especially during the planning of the wedding....its a lot of hard work for only one beautiful day! However u should be happy that ur hobby has made a change in life. Being a christian is both good. it helps to maintain a stable life style in terms of savings......partying just adds more expense to a marriage. U either adapt to his change or tell him honestly wat u have been doing and let him know how u feel abt all this, be honest hon it will do u good.

Good luck on whether u decide!!

Answer 4

I think you made a tragic mistake in getting married, sorry. I also think Tom should know what you've been up to especially since you're *still* doing it. He doesn't deserve this.

Tell him the truth and face the consequences of your actions. If you want the single life, then separate and see if you still find it appealing. If you don't, promise to change your ways and really DO it. Either way, he should know.

You're afraid if you tell him the truth he'll never trust you again. I'm sorry to say that I wouldn't blame him. Would you?

Answer 5

Wow... Let me tell you.. I partied a lot... I'm 23 years old... I understand why you want to because you're 21 and it's something someone that age should be doing, but it gets tiring.. Ity's the same pick up lines, the same bullsh!t from everybody.. people get drunk, throw up, pass out... Plus, you have to be careful in that kind of scene because noone can be trusted.. people try to put drugs in your drinks w/ out you even noticing it.

If you have a good man, do what you can to keep him. If you tell him what you've been doing, you're right he will lose trust in you. I've been w/ my bf for over a year, and I'm soo happy I'm not going to the clubs.. Plus, my "best friends" i used to go with, have pretty much have turned there backs on me, because I don't go out and party w/ them. It's not a healthy lifestyle, and you will tend to lose sight of yourself...

My advise to you is do what is right for you... You got a good man that loves you, and a religious man.. That's something I respect..

Answer 6

Let me get this straight.

You are lying to your husband. You've cheated on him, even BEFORE you were married and now you are going out with a guy behind his back.
Do you see ANYTHING wrong with your behavior? It sounds like YOU should never have said YES when he asked you to marry him.
You want to seperate but not divorce, so that you can go play around and have fun. Do you work? Who paid for the wedding? I want to know if you support youre own lifestyle or if HE is supporting your lifestyle?
YOU need to get some counseling. You sound like youre the one with messed up expectations about what marriage is. You were cheating before the marriage and you some how thought "oh, I will behave differently once I say 'I do'."??
While there is nothing wrong with wanting to have fun, it sounds like your idea of fun is an excuse to put yourself into situations where you can cheat.
If you want your marriage to last, you need to come clean about what is going on with you, and let your husband know that you need and want to go out and have fun with HIM and you need to give up this fantasy you have about being able to go out and act like your single and have there be no repercussions.
Seriously, get some marriage counseling!!! Or your going to end up in divorce court.
How would you feel if you found out your husband was lying and messing around behind YOUR back?

Good luck. Your going to need it!

Goddess Blessings on you that you will get it all straightend out!

Answer 7

Advise, sure. You need to get out of this marriage. Your goals, and his are not the same. And this marriage will fail in the end, anyway.......Your religion is not the same: You were toooooo young to get married, and he is toooooo conservative. You can't make yourself love someone, and really, sweetie, you can't have your cake and eat it too. You can tell him in a nice way, that you still love him, "But I know there is someone out there better for you than me, and I also know that there is someone better out there for me than you. I will always love you, but I cannot remain in this marriage. You know that I am unhappy....." The worst thing that could happen is you get pregnant, and have a child..... then you're really stuck. I'm sure he suspects, anyway, so,,,,,, jack up your courage, and tell him you can no longer stay. He wants a marriage, you do not. You each deserve better..............

Answer 8

apparently you are not mature enough to be married if you don't understand what the vows you made mean. How would you feel if you found out that he went behind your back and did this stuff and just to let you know it always comes out somehow. Too many people know what you are doing for him not to find out alls it will take is one of your friends to get pissed off at you and they might go running back to him and tell him everything or if he gets on the history of your computer he can just read what you wrote!!!! So maybe you should just be honest and get out before you do anymore damage to his heart

Answer 9

Somebody should have told you 20 was too young to get married in the first place. Sorry to say, I think your marriage is doomed. Might as well end it now as opposed to dragging it out for the next few years, growing to hate each other and do a whole lot of hurting along the way.

Answer 10

Give him an ultimatum. He does ideas do not run everything. If he wants to stay with you then he needs to let you have space also. Tell him that you will stay with him if he will give you a little bit of freedom also, such as going out once every two weeks with your friends and that he is welcome to come also. My husband wants to go out all the time and I never do. So we compromise about it. Also, you need to remember that you made a life long adult commitment to this man. You can't just give up that easily. There are ways to satisfy both of your needs at once.


I agree with qbanita0113, going out gets so old so fast. It is tiring, keep who you got, someone who loves you. Then you don't have to go through all that BS of nasty people at bars. Throw some parties at your house! That is fun and its cool to organize neat themed parties also.