my friend finally told me why she was sad for a month.this is the background first of all: she's been married with her hubby for 5 years but since the beginning they agried not to have kids, like everyone knew about this, THEY DID NOT WANT KIDS. ok one month ago she found out she was pregnant but what she didnt understand is that shee's on the pill plus they use condoms.well after weeks of speculating and threatning to sue the place that gave her the pills, her husband confessed that he was not only puting wholes in her condoms but he also replaced her birth control pills with some useless pills{she told me that her pills werent in the packet she always ook them out and put it in her vitamin box so she can remember to take then}. she didnt have her period for a month, which was normal cause she's irregular and now hsae found out she's preg! she doesnt know if she should divorce, get an abortion or what? is this legal what the hubby did with the pills? they are seperated now.
2006-09-06 03:50:15 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
she's asking me for advice but i've never been married..this never happened to me so i dont know what to tell her...oh FYI the husband told her that he knew he could never convince her of having kids so that's why he did it...isnt that wrong??
2006-09-06 03:51:21 · update #1
what can I do to help her tho? i feel so bad.
2006-09-06 03:58:22 · update #2
soul815december...excuse me?? if she loved her husband she should have the kid??? what the **** is that about? how about if he loved her he should have fufilled her wishes...i'm asking for objective opinions not ****** up ones!
2006-09-06 04:09:22 · update #3
Wowwwww....
If she is serious about pursuing some type of criminal or legal actions; I would think that switching her PRESCRIBED medication is some form of criminal act, regardless if it was harmless or not.
I also think that with the birth control pills and the condoms, she had communicated her intentions to NOT have children so if she decides to keep the child after the divorce he definitely would have to pay child support... or she could possibly allow him to have custody and not pay child support herself. That also depends upon the state.
It definitely isn't rape as they both consented to sex; it was getting pregnant that she didn't want.
2006-09-06 04:14:35 · answer #1 · answered by E. Gads 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Wow, yeah, that's a really tough one. It's not "rape," per se, but it's certainly a big fat lie. If there was a mutual agreement that they were not going to have kids and he tricked her like that, wow. Just WOW.
The abortion issue is completely up to her. I'm definitely pro-choice, but that means choice, not automatic abortion. There's always the adoption option. There are LOTS of people out there who can't have babies and want them desperately. She needs to find some good counseling for this decision, either a pregnancy counselor, a spiritual counselor or a psychotherapist. Or maybe even more than one. There is no reason that she should feel forced or obligated to raise a child that she never even wanted in the first place. And once she makes whatever decision she makes, she should seriously consider surgical sterilization so this NEVER happens to her again.
Divorce? If I were her, I'd seriously consider it. That's just an enormous lie to perpetrate on somebody. If the relationship isn't based on honesty, how good is the relationship?
I'm so very sorry she has to go through this. While I haven't been in that exact situation, I have certainly had to face the decision of what to do with an unplanned pregnancy...
2006-09-06 10:59:33 · answer #2 · answered by tanibk 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I will add to the list of perspectives already provided to you. I'll use California as a resource reference.
There does exist statutory law having to do with the rape of a spouse. It's a rather long section to read, but it describes under what conditions it may constitute rape. The state you live in probably has a similar law and you can research it often by looking on line for the Penal Code sections for that state, or by visiting the reference section in your library. They will have a penal code book there too.
That said, I still cannot tell you if the scenario you provided would pass legal tests for rape.
A consideration to think of though is the concept of 'consent'. This is what you'd have to do much more research on. The wife that you spoke of, consented to intercourse while believing her husband was meeting certain safe conditions. The question might be (and I don't know if it will pass legal muster) if she would have consented to intercourse "if she had known" at the time that he punctured the condoms and replaced her birth control pills with someting ineffectual. An element of fraud creeps into the equation here.
That's all I have for you.
Here's a website that has some Q's and A's on the subject too:
http://www.rapecrisisonline.com/MaritalRape.htm
2006-09-06 11:23:36 · answer #3 · answered by nothing 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes, it's morally wrong.
The husband disregarded his wife's feelings and used her literally as a "baby machine" against her objections. He not only put his own desires against cultivating his marriage relationship, he lied and deceived in order to get his way.
He really violated his wife's trust, in a really large way.
And if he was willing to do this, in this situation, it's hard to believe that there won't be other times where he would deceive his wife in order to get his way. She will have serious trust issues with him now, for years to come.
Bringing a child into the world is serious business. She is now a mother, and he is now a father, and nothing can change that -- no divorce, death, separation, or whatever. Having a new life be so dependent on you is a life-changing experience, that she did not agree to pursue.
Did he think that, once she conceived, suddenly she'd change her mind and they'd all live happily ever after? No, now the relationship has MORE serious issues to deal with... plus a child's emotional health depends on them resolving things. What a mess.
All that being said, I don't know if there is legal recourse for your friend. What he did was reprehensible, but I don't think legally he can be accused of doing something wrong.
I figure at the least, if she carries to term and keeps the baby and they separate/divorce, then she can sue successfully for child support. (What irony.) She needs to check her state's laws regarding these issues; perhaps the local social service center or church can help her find a lawyer to give her some direction on what possibilities exist.
While one would idealistically hope for some sort of reconciliation and the chance for the child to have a secure home, the way the husband went about things realistically really screwed things up worse than they were to start with.
I feel bad for her as well. It's a hard place to be. I would advise her to deal with her pregnancy as a separate issue from her marriage. i.e., think through what having a baby means, whether she can accept motherhood, how things could work, etc, as one issue. Then, deal with the other issue -- whether her marriage can be saved. It's possible that she might choose to stick things out, but that the relationship is unsalvageable. I don't know.
2006-09-06 11:04:30 · answer #4 · answered by Jennywocky 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Well, first of all it is not Rape, because she obviously had consensual sex with her husband. However what he did was wrong. I would have to say that they had a binding Verbal agreement (contract) which he broke by replacing the pills and damaging the condoms, purposely, and willingly, and without her knowing of his plan. If she is truly "That" upset about being pregnant, maybe she should divorce him and put the baby up for adoption (I will not advise abortion as I do not believe in it).
Otherwise, she should stay with him and they should get some counseling. Good Luck!
2006-09-06 11:38:05 · answer #5 · answered by chulita 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Rape is when sex is performed without consent of the partner.
She had consensual sex with her husband. BUT HE DID LIE and what he did was wrong. I am NOT sure what law this may be breaking, but she certainly would have a good case for divorce at this point.
The choice to conceive and give the baby up for adoption, or have an abortion is HER CHOICE, and something only she can decide once she has discussed ALL her options with a counselor. She may also change her midn and decide to keep the child, and that is all up to her. At this point, she should discuss this entire case with a divorce lawyer who can help her understand if her husband broke any laws.
BUT NO, this is NOT RAPE. It is a lot of lying and messing with someone's medication, but NOT RAPE.
2006-09-06 10:56:43 · answer #6 · answered by KB 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
My advice is to get divorced and talk to the lawyer about sueing him. What he did is wrong and is a violation of her body. If she truely does not want this child she has options: abortion or adoption. Either are hard choices. But she needs to make up her mind and soon because you can only have an abortion within 3 months of getting pregnant. YOU can NOT make up her mind for her and i think that is what she is hoping you will do. Make sure she knows this.
Good luck to the both of you.
2006-09-06 11:12:44 · answer #7 · answered by ziggunerin 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
If she never wanted children, he has tricked her. The trust between them is gone, and therefore so is their marriage. Four things make a marriage work: admiration, respect, passion, and trust. When the trust is gone, the first three go as well. In her place, I'd get an abortion, and divorce the jerk, both at the same time---- pronto. No woman should have a child she does not want, and no child should be unwanted, and clearly this one would be unwanted --- a huge disaster in the making....
2006-09-06 11:01:13 · answer #8 · answered by April 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
This is really childish and both of them should be more mature then this! marriage is for the mature! First off she needs to get over it! So what he changed his mind it's not like he was drugging her to kill her! So he wants a child now and if she weren't so hard on him and so strong on her opinions then he would have come right out and told her to beging with! Next she needs to forgive him and go home and have this child! Also they need counseling and need to learn about communication skills. This is a marriage not the T.V show "Desperate House wives"! They need to grow up! For better or for worse why did they marry to begin with! She can be mad all she wants but by now don't you think he feels bad enough, her being mad is solving nothing! She needs to go home or allow him back into the home and fix the problems in their marriage. Also Who cares if it is illegal or legal he made a mistake and he's aware of it now the damage is done but yet she's willing to put him in prison over it and b/c he loves her and wants to unite DNA with her! Thats so stupid this is her husband!!!! She just needs to get over it and look to the future he really didn't mean anything by this other then his love for her! and if she's that stupid to see that then he's better off without her. She shouldn't do things she'll regret later!
Also even if he wouldn't go to prison but if she's willing to press charges why would you want everyone to know your buisness they need to work it out between them - They might laugh at her b/c she is his wife! All he wanted was a child, this sort of thing happens all the time you just don't hear about it also they rarely ever admit it, give him a break he fessed up most don't and now she wants him to in a court of law! Wrong answer! This is a marriage and she should just support him, be mad but get over it see the good that will come out of this all!
2006-09-06 11:13:21 · answer #9 · answered by sophia_of_light 5 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Abort, divorce. The premise on which the child was conceived will always haunt her additionally you stated they , so I assume she does not want kids.I have heard of this happening in other cases, but I've always heard of the woman sabotaging the birth controll. I can't say if its criminal but it certainly is despicable hope she deals well.
2006-09-06 12:14:54 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋