How is it possible to both have a bf/gf and also claim to have social phobia?

Question

(Substitute "social anxiety disorder" or "shyness" for "social phobia" if you wish.)

I claim this is true: to have a bf/gf, you must have done these things:

- ask someone out on a date.
- been successful on the date.
- ask the someone out for a second date.
- been successful on the second date.
- repeated the above several more times.
- ask the someone to be your bf/gf.
- maintained a committed relationship with your bf/gf for some amount of time.

These things are usually considered to be the activities that require the most social skill and social comfort. Therefore, no person who has a bf/gf, and thus has accomplished these activities, can possibly have social phobia (social anxiety disorder, shyness).

What, if anything, am I missing here?

I think, though am not sure, that most of you are considering a moderate discomfort around crowds to count as social phobia, which I feel certain is not the case.

Hmm... I think I may be confusing social phobia with "Avoidant personality disorder," which I hadn't heard of before. I would then change my question to:

How is it possible to both have a bf/gf and also claim to have avoidant personality disorder?

Answer 1

You can be shy and still have a close circle of friends. You can be shy and also have a b/f or g/f. Just because you don't like large crowds, does not mean you have a medical problem. A person with this usually meets their partner at a young age. Most of the people who suffer from social anxiety disorder are to afraid to even leave their house, so shyness and a real disease are two totally different things. People can work to over come shyness, but medication is the only solution to a disease. (Sorry tom Cruse, but it is TRUE).

Answer 2

This is an interesting one. I believe that social anxiety is actually becoming a more and more common form of anxiety in this digital age. Everyone online can be anonymous, though now the whole online anonymity is vanishing as everything is becoming interwired. People are just too lazy to have their own passwords anuser nameses for different sites. Anyway the thing is people who might seem confident probably are when they're actually out, but the amount they actually go out is very rare, hence they're more confident as to try and keep their friends/put on a face so their friends think they're normal. I do find that a small group of people will use this 'phobia' to actually try and make new friends or to simply come across very reserved then go out and have a blast and therefore feel more empowered as the new 'friendsneverer saw that side of them before. People are truly funny beings. You could spend a whole lifetime studying them and still be none the wiser of how a particular individual will act under different circumstances.

Answer 3

Well, I would delineate "shyness" from a clinical condition like an anxiety disorder, due to the severity of the latter (which at the extreme would be the Avoidance personality disorder).

I'm somewhere in that gray myself -- I can function outwardly fine with strangers but inside experience a lot of anxiety even when I am acquainted with the people I'm talking to. It's stressful for me to socialize directly with anyone but a few people I am close to.

I did work with a girl who was actually diagnosed with a social anxiety disorder; she talked to me and one other person, but otherwise was very very reclusive and had trouble remaining in a group setting. It was difficult even for me to maintain a friendship with her.

I agree with the general gist of your reasoning -- it's true that establishing a romantic relationship does take a great deal of perseverence that a *non-functional* SAD wouldn't be able to accomplish -- but these terms are diagnosed and thrown around so loosely nowadays, I'd say there are options in between that you need to acknowledge.

For example, it's quite possible that the person you describe could simply be extremely shy and anxious in social situations. This is what they are experiencing.

The person CAN function despite the anxiety for some length of time, and the anxiety can be alleviated a bit by spending more time around people (e.g., the anxious person is experiencing a threat in situations where there is no real threat, so readjusting the perception / getting experience will help alleviate some stress), but being around others is still very draining and the person will need to "recharge" frequently by withdrawing to a safe place.

[Note: Despite my issues, I've been married 14 years. I didn't date much, but I did date. So it's plausible.]

I'm not sure why you're asking the question, so I'm not sure what specific information to tell you.

If someone's using it as their reason to consistently avoid social gatherings, there's probably some truth to it but it's possible the diagnosis is being used as a convenient excuse to not enter uncomfortable situations.

If you're contesting a specific diagnosis by a psychiatrist, I'd find out why the doctor evaluated the person as such and then determine what should be done.

Again, there are different levels of severity; and your logic really only tracks the kind that cannot function at all in society. Many people are somewhere in the middle, suffering much more anxiety than the average person, yet able to make things work by simply "pushing through it" and draining their internal resources.

Yes, there is medication that can help with anxiety; but usually some sort of cognitive behavioral counseling is effective as well, since it involves a readjustment of someone's misperception of how others are viewing him/her.

Answer 4

Social phobia as you have so aptly named it is not as debilitating as you might think. There are some social stigmas that are often carried on from childhood through adulthood. The first is the initial discomfort of meeting new people. A person can be excessively outgoing but they also can have a terrible shyness. One can act as though they are not shy and often overcompensate but the reality is that the continual fear that they are social outcasts often create anxiety or panic attacks. A person can form a stable relationship with bf/gf as long as the person is honest and up front about how they are feeling re:social phobia, and if that support network is available to them they excel in social atmospheres. I hope that helps a little. Good Luck!

Answer 5

I'm not sure about social anxiety disorders but I consider myself to have a social phobia.
-I have a boyfriend.
-He asked me out at my son's baseball practice where I was standing away from the crowd.
-The date was successful because it was in a restaurant that was not crowded.
-The dates continued to be successful because we would not go anywhere crowded and still do.
-We are now engaged to be married.
However:
-I don't go to many social functions with him.
-When I do I try to find someplace to hide.
-I become very nervous and uncomfortable.
-Use my kids sitter as an excuse that I have to leave early.
Pretty much, I enjoy being with my fiance very much. We visit people but only when there is a few people there. Crowds terrify me to the point where I feel like I am ready to cry. As a matter of fact, we are getting married in the spring and I am scared to death not because of the planning or everything falling into place but the thought of the reception, all those people *shudder*.
Having a social phobia/social anxiety disorder, or being shy does not mean no contact, just limited. How limited depends on the person.

Answer 6

Shyness and Social Anxiety Disorder are EXTREMELY different.

I have Social Anxiety Disorder. I have done all of the things you have listed. I also work retail, interacting with strangers and perform in theater. This effectively negates your claim.

It would be fairly long and tedious to explain the social etiquette that allows me to interact with others in a way that doesn't cause me to want to get away from them. It mostly has to do with how comfortable they make me feel, how long I have been around them and how much medication I've been taking.

Unfortuately, you're lumping the dating experiences of the entire human race together, as though everyone dates the exact same way.What you are missing are the vast amount of social variables.

Not everyone:

-asks someone out on a date.
-has been successful on the date in such a way as to hinder a relationship.
-has asked someone out on a second date.
-has been successful on the second date.
-has repeated this process several times.
-has asked someone to be their boyfriend/girlfriend.

These things, in my opinion, do not take the most about of social skill and comfort in EVERY given situation. My first girlfriend asked me out. It made the process much more comfortable for me. Plus, she wasn't a complete stranger.

Answer 7

A person who is shy isn't always shy around everyone. If they get to know someone and don't feel intimidated by them, then they act outgoing around that person. Also, if the bf/gf initiates the "courting" then the shy person can just go along with it and not really have to do much that they are afraid of. I'm a pretty shy person and I've had a few girls ask me out, but never have I asked a girl. I guess I only have self confidence if I know A LOT about the other people I'm around and how they will react to me. I think this is a good question.

Answer 8

Being diagnosed with social phobia does not necessarily mean a person cannot have boyfriend or a girlfriend. One of the main characteristics of social phobia is the fear of encountering situations in which a person might feel negatively evaluated by others. Moreover, this anxiety is detrimental to their academic or social environments as well as their job performance. People diagnosed with social phobia fear (and think) that others will make fun of them, will regard them as "dumb" or incompetent. For example if a person with social phobia is giving a conference and notices someone int the audience yawn or laugh he or she might think "if he is yawing he is bored with my performance", or "that person is laughing at me, she must think I am stupid".
What I would recommend is that you seek professional help and get the appropriate assessment.

Answer 9

Considering how messed up bf/gf relationships can be, I'd say it was possible to have all kinds of mental and social disorders and still have a bf/gf.

Answer 10

It's very possible for people to be afraid of certain social situations or groups of people and still interact successfully with a single individual.

They might also very easily become overdependent on that individual to meet all of their emotional needs.