Question for people who's parents have divorced or stayed together for your sake...?

Question

I need to know, did it offer a better childhood for people if their parents stayed together for them. (Not telling them that, of course). Am I doing a good thing for my children if I stay in a marriage that I do not feel love or loved, I feel heartbroken, and we have a power struggle all the time. My spouse doesn't know how I feel, and I hide everything as best I can. I want to leave, but I have to take care of them first and foremost. (There's manipulation and sometimes very intense fights, but there's no physical abuse). Should I stay or should I go? I'll try to do what I can that is the best for them....(they are 10 and 8)

Answer 1

Arlene, this is really tough. I've been thru it myself and sometimes I regret it for my son's sake. I think divorce does have a bad effect on the kids; but on the other hand, seeing their parents in a loveless relationship may also be just as bad, and perhaps give them the wrong idea of marriage--they may think it's going to be loveless, abusive, whatever--and so that is all they can expect from it themselves, and it may ruin their lives later. Will it help them grow up if they sense you stay in a relationship that you're deeply unhappy with? I think, in the end, you have to decide just how bad it is for you. If it's bad enough that you need to leave, because nothing will change if you don't, then you can only be honest with the kids, and try to make the separation as amicable as possible, if not at the start, then later on when time has healed some of the wounds. If you haven't already, you should see a counselor of some kind to talk this out.

Answer 2

Children are not stupid they realise when thier parents marriage is in trouble.
For my self as a child I hated it every time my parents argued, and often wished that they would leave each other so as to get a peacful atmophere in the house.

for you the decission is more difficult.
Having been in a similar situation, whereby my first wife and I had decided to go are separate ways, when she discovered she was pregnant, this changed everything and we decided to stay together until my son was old enough to perhaps understand the situation. When the day finaly came, he was ten years old. it was the saddest day of my life. tears were shed on both sides as he was now going to live in another country, which meant the only time that i would see him was on hoildays such as Christmas, Easter, and Summer. but we use to phone each other three or four times a week and the bond remained very strong. that was 14 years ago. my son now lives with me and has done for the past 6 years or so, my first wife is still very close to him also. The result of our spliting up had a very profound effect on my son though he still loves his mother, he lost respect for her as she wasn't perhaps strong enough to control the situation, and having to live abroad didn't help either,
My answer to you is this if you can possibly stay together do so even if this means living separate lives with your own interest and freinds, but most of all be friends with your partner.
Children need a stable relationship i.e both a mother and a father, if you split up the children will play one off against the other unless one of you wants to make a complete break and leave the children entirely,then they will resent them possibly for the rest of their lives.
i feel sorry for you being in that situation and can only hope the best for you in the future.

Answer 3

The kids arent going to benefit if youre miserable. They see it and they feel it. Kids read more into the situation than you think they do. I'm not saying they wont have problems if you divorce, but I honestly think its the lesser of two evils. They will feel better if you feel better. My husband stayed with his ex for almost 15 yrs, which was honestly 10 yrs too long. Their marriage was over that long ago, but he thought he was doing the right thing by staying to take care of his kids. Once they finally split, the kids saw how much happier he was, and told him they wished he had done it alot sooner. Now they see he and I together, totally in love and happy with each other, and they see what marriage is supposed to be. We are happier together than we've ever been, and the kids are all happier now that theyre in a loving home with no arguing, no loud fights, no threats of violence, etc. (my ex, not my new husband). The best thing for the kids is for you to give them a stable, loving home, whether thats with your husband, alone, or with someone else. Be Happy!!

Answer 4

My parents split up after attempting to stay together for us kids. We were all relieved when the split finally happened. Why? There was less tension in the house and no more fighting (their arguments were also very intense). Both of our parents were so much happier, which made us kids so much happier as well. My sister and I were only 6 and 7 at the time, but we knew what was going on, as your kids do, despite how much you try to hide it. We both agree now that the divorce was the best thing for everyone (in our situation) because we would've grew to resent our parents for raising us in such an angry household. No child should have to witness such anger and resentment. Plus, before they split, we knew that they were only together for us. So at that age, we knew they were miserable because of us. That was such a burden on us. No child should have to feel that as well.

The decision is yours. No one truly knows except you guys what goes on. But children are smart. They'll know you stayed for them and it may cause more damage than good. Think very hard before doing anything. Good luck!!

Answer 5

In my past relationship with my ex husband, we share a child. Our relationship, the negatives had a affect on my son. Needless to say, I did leave my exhusband and I have seen a huge improvement in my son's behavior. Before and during the marriage .. my son was very shy and not out going. He was always on my hip and never wanted to leave my side. Now after the marriage, he is always smiling, he is very outgoing and is showing huge independency as well. Its hard, but if you do decide to leave your husband just know that there is counseling for your children. Just like right now, you all can go to family counseling currently.

Hugs from a Loving Mom to a Brillant, as well as beautiful 8 year old Jared and Our Angel, Zachary (taken to soon but who will always remain in our heart) ~ Mel

Answer 6

You may do miracles but every child can feel when something is wrong, when there is not enough love energy in family. Some of them get used on it, some of them can become a persons with problematic behavior. But all of them are passing the faze of crying in the pillow that seems easy but makes a scar in the soul. And then in future rushing to make ideal family or being unable to make a family at all, or doing the same things like their parents and... all this can destroy their life's.
It is so easy to explain, to talk. May be you don't love your husband but probably you don't hate him, what you hate is the situation of being with him.
Children wants to see their parents happy, it is not necessary them to be together.

Answer 7

My parents stayed together for my sake and I think they were wrong. They didn't divorce until I was 18. the older I got the more bitter I became.
Kids pick up on so much more than you think. They are very aware of what is going on in their home life so you have to be careful.
In my opinion and personal experience you are better splitting up while your kids are still young as they are much more resilient.

Answer 8

I grew up hating my dad right up till after he died. His was a drunk and violent relationship, and I often wished that my mum would just grab us kids and leave.
She never did. She believed that it was best for us kids to stay with him.
So I had to grow up seeing him bash the crap out of my mum night after night.
I’m 55 years old, and I still remember standing in the hallway screaming my head off for him to stop hurting her.
I have never even come close to hating a person as much as what I grew to hate my own father.

You do what you believe is best for your kids !!!
But don’t lose sight of your own personal needs.
If you find yourself losing all sight of self-respect, then you do what is best by you !!!

I can’t tell you what to do.
You mentioned there were very intense fights…
they are only one step away from physical abuse.

How is the relationship affecting the kids?
Are they getting torn apart in the middle of it all?
Do they love and respect their father?
Is your relationship with your husband causing the kids to lose their love and respect for you?

You mentioned that you are keeping your feelings from your husband…
Is that because of ‘fear’???

You and your husband need to sort that relationship out.
You need to do it for yourself… each other… and for the kids.
Chances are, you will need a mediator… a counsellor.
Work out where the relationship is heading, and what you need to do.
Irrespective of whether you stay together or not, you both remain responsible for the welfare of your kids.

I hope things get better for you.
Good luck !!!

Answer 9

interesting responses.. I stayed in my marriage for fifteen years for my son... Seemed to be the right thing money wise and less stress..

Answer 10

leave him my parents got a divorice when i was two then she sorta remarried and this guy didn't treat her right then me and my three year old sister(not her current age) were taken away. leave him or they will be taken away from you.