Parents going through a nasty divorce. Need advice?

Question

OK, so here's my story... Short version, cuz its getting late... Basically my mom has disowned me for the past year or 2, and its like she's trying to bring my whole family (dads side) down, not just ending her relationship with him. She stopped talking to me mainly cuz she knows i'm siding with my dad, its really sad when you think about it, but the truth is I dont want a relationship with her anymore anyway. All I know is this has been going on for almost a year since she served my father, and nothing has happened yet, unfortunately everyone is still living in the same house... Dad sleeps in his office (in the house) on a fold-a-way bed... That's also his kitchen. He lives out of that one room... I hide in my room, and thats the only room I use, its horrible... Let me tell ya some of the stories about my mom, and then you can formulate your own opion, I think it can speak for itself.

1) I'm gonna start from the beginning here, from when we stopped talking. About 1 1/2 years ago, I lost my mom's cell phone. I apologized to her, but honestly could not afford to just run out and get her a new one either, so there really wasnt much I could do except truly apolgize. Well, I did offer to get a new one within the month, but that wasnt good enough for her. My dad then told both me and my mom, that if this was her attitude then I shouldn't replace it at all, and also it was technically dads phone since he paid for all the lines on the family plan. Mind ya that mom never used the phone anyway, it was always turned off, and usually never charged. But she wanted to prove her point, so for the next several months thats all I heard from her, since I never did replace it. Like my dad said, it would have been a waste of money. Honestly, even before that we had a strained relationship, but not to the point where we didnt talk.

2) Fast foward to her birthday, a few months later. I was working that day. She knew I was going to be working and told me not to worry about taking off, that we'll do something another day or whatever. Well, before I left, she was bitching about something, I dont even know, but I left my gift on her bed. When I came home that night, I found out she had a temper tantrum like a 2 year old cuz my dad decided to do the cake the following night when I'd be home, and also cuz it was the wrong kind of cake, cuz she had gallbladder problems and couldnt have fat. And I was an inconsiderate ***** to even think about buying it for her. I told her that the following year I'll buy her a salad, and write happy F-ing birthday with the fat-free dressing... I mean, please.... First off, I thought she could have some fat, just not overdo it, I didnt know it had to be a fat free. And any normal considerate mother, would have just said, "THanks for the thought, but I really shouldn't be eating that, you guys enjoy it." or something to that effect, or maybe offer to go out and pick out something else that she can have, but no she has to act like a 5 year old instead. Needless to say, her gift was back on my bed, still unopened. Unfortunately I threw out the reciept, so I couldn't return it, but instead just kept it for myself.

3) Now all this above was still almost a year before she served my dad, but I think even back then she was talking about it, and knew she was going to divorce him, so thats the whole point. She brainwashes my sister into thinking that my father is a POS and a deadbeat dad, and all she does is curse him out in front of her. She's only 15. MEanwhile, my mom will be bitching/cursing my father out, and my sister is right beside her cheering her on... How can you do this to your 15 y/o daughter???

4) Now more recent. Too many stories in between. But I think your starting to get the idea. Anyways, my cousin's wedding was a few weeks ago. I was soooo scared cuz I was afraid she was going to have some sort of outburst there and start a scene cursing at my father or something, and I was honestly really surprised that nothing happened. THat is until my father got a call from my uncle the next day. Now to backtrack, my mom was bitching about needing money for a hotel, etc since it was in NJ, and we're in NY (still only a 3 hour drive, and me and my dad did it w/o hotel, but whatever) for about 2 months prior. My dad just ignores her when she starts, but in the end gave in since it was the only way my sister could go. MY mom said she couldnt afford to go otherwise, and she wouldnt let my father take my sister out of state, so it was the only way she could go. So anyway in the end, my dad gives her 200 for gas/tolls/hotel, etc. So what does she have the nerve to do we find out??? SHe put $25 in the card, thats right 25, w/ a nasty note saying what a POS husband he is for not giving her more money. Now the whole reason why she wanted to go to wedding was to not let my cousin down, please......

4 or 5 what am i up to???) Some of the things she comes up with that are all lies anyway are really starting to scare me, cuz my dad could go to jail for them. I know the case will go to a judge eventually, cuz my mom is going to fight and fight until the end. Now you go to court and its her and my sister who will be testifying for my mom (although like my boss said, they dont usually involve the children on the stand, but my dad says she might, shes almost 16, actually she will be 16 by then, the court date right now is sept. 18, her b-day is on the 6th) and then me testifyng for my dad. It's her word against ours. I mean, what if the judge takes her side, since theres no way of proving it really one way or anohter. My mom is really good at putting on a front esp. if she can get something out of it. (sidenote just the other day she was bitching for about an hour straight before she realized my dad wasnt even home... HEr reaction?? "You mean I was yelling and bitching all that time for nothing, the POS didnt even hear me???" Yeah, priceless.... It shows her true colors... Anyway, some of the things shes accusing him of:
- Physically abusing her. I mean thats so easy to "prove" its ridiculous. All ya need to do is have a bruise from something else, and noone can tell where it came from, and besides courts always side with the mothers.
- Not providing food for my sister - First off, my dad does keep food in his office and he locks it when he's not home, hence why my mom is complaining. However, theere is another room called a KITCHEN!!! Besides everytime my dad offers to cook for her its either "Yuck i dont like that" or "im on a diet" - please shes 16 years old. She won't eat a burger cuz it has too much fat, but she doesnt think anything of eating an entire box of oreos cuz sometimes you gotta cheat, so whatever...
- porn on computer - Now my moms trying to accuse him of being a micheal jackson cuz some gay porn somehow got on there a few years back.. He said he did not download it and it probably came as part of a virus from aol cuz he used to get a lot of crazy emails. He stopped using aol and hasnt had any problems since. He also said this porn was in one of my moms folders, so very possible she did it to plant it against him.

She has also said numorus things against my uncle and my grandmother, including wishing death upon them. MY grandmohter is 75 years old, nearly deaf/blind, wheelchair bound, diabetic, evertying, but shes a "hopeless ***** that wants everyone to wait on her hand and foot". SHe says her mother is an angel cuz she always worked 3 different jobs to support family. Oh please!!!!!!!!!!!! BTW, i dont talk to her side of family at all anymore cuz they're all the same way.

She also wants to get my uncle/grandma supbeonad (sp?) for all the money my dad borrowed against them or whatever. LIke my dad said, is this a divorce case or a criminal case???? BUt with all the things my mom is accusing him of, it could very well be both.

Has anyone else been through such a nasty divorce... I really need advice. I feel soo depressed lately. And yes, that was the short version, lol.... I could go on and on, believe me.

I actually just copied and pasted the above from my myspace group I created. I wrote that a couple weeks ago. Anyway, after rereading it I realized I had a few words on there that were inappropriate and i want to apologize.

Also, just want to thank anyone who actually read that, I know it was quite long, lol. I think lately its been bothering me more cuz its been a year and still nothing happening, and im just soooo sick of listening to her all the time, just yelling and cursing... Its gotten to the point where we dont even talk anymore, and in some ways i feel kindda guilty. I mean she is my mom right?? BUt at the same time idk if i can ever forgive her, or if i even want to.

BTW, my myspace group is http://groups.myspace.com/teensofdivorcedparents if anyone has a myspace account, please join. It's meant as a support group for any age, not just teens (btw, im 23), and would even appreciate it if i got a few divorced parents themselves to join to give us their perspective...

My mom was talking about my grandmother on my fathers side. She' the one thats diabetic, etc. I love my grandmother, shes the complete opposite of that cranky impression that you got. BUt my mom is constantly making comments about her b/c she lets everyboody wait on her hand and foot, etc. The one that works three jobs and is so "perfect" is my mom's mom. And she has the same nasty personality as my mom, yelling and cursing everyone out. THey're not happy unless they're angry.

Although I'm not ready to make mend with my mom yet, I do appreciate the different perspectives. The thing is it does go farther back than just the divorce. The divorce and the way shes acting about it was the last straw, but the relationship was declining for a lot longer. And according to my dad, this has been her personality even before they were married (except instead of cursing my father, it was aimed at others), but she was always a negative person.

Thanks for the advice everyone, like I said i'm not ready to mend the relationship yet, but it does help see the other side, a little, i guess....

BTW, my dad cant move out because then its abandoment and my mom would get everything, cuz my dad left her. They're still legally married, papers havent been signed yet. I probly could afford to move out, but would only be able to afford the bare essentials and plus it wouldnt be fair to my dad to leave him,. So basically theres nothing we can do...

Answer 1

As a stranger, obviously any advice I could offer may not be the right advice. I just thought, though, I'd put down some miscellaneous thoughts....

Such a nasty divorce? The world is full of them.

As a stranger, when I read your story I knew I should reserve judgment because I only saw your side of the story, and there's a saying that goes like this, "There's one side. There's the other side. And then there's the truth." Sometimes if people are very mature and objective it can be possible for them to present the truth, which includes both sides; but neither divorcing couples nor their children are usually so objective. So - just as its right that I reserve judgment - you should try to dial it back on some of the judgments as well because - honestly - you don't know what has gone on between the two parents that has made them kind of crazy like this.

You and your sister should not have been exposed to all of this. Your parents (your mother, I guess) should have made it a point to tell you and your sister it is between her and your father, and you should just try your best to not get involved in the nastiness.

You and your sister, too, should refuse to get involved in the nastiness. If you could tell them both, "Look. This is way too much for me. I only want to talk about stuff that isn't about the divorce or any fights with you."

When people are fighting one of the best ways to get past that is to have a "cease fire". Agree that nobody will talk about the stuff that brings up a fight or upsets someone and just agree to talk about neutral stuff. This isn't the ideal situation, but it is a good way to at least be able to talk with family members without fighting. After a while, you start to build up time together that isn't horrible, and you can start to kind of heal from any past anger between you.

No fixing of any relationships can get done while everyone continues to fight and make things worse. You need that "cease fire" time to at least stay connected in the ways that are not related to the stuff that upsets everybody.

Much of the stuff you described that people have fought over is stupid stuff - small stuff. That kind of bickering goes on when people are upset and getting a divorce. Sometimes, too, that kind of bickering is part of the reason for the divorce. So some of it is just kind of stupid and should be forgotten.

The accusation of abuse thing probably wouldn't hold up in court if its true that your mother mouths off at your father. Its possible he could have struck her some time out of anger (or more than once), but "official abuse" is a pattern, and the victims of abusive husbands don't dare to yell back at them.

The porn on the computer? Even if your father did download it and didn't want to admit it, I don't think porn on the computer is a big enough deal for a judge to think much of it unless there's more to that story than you know about.

If your grandmother is elderly and has diabetes and is blind and deaf, anyone who understands how awful it is for an elderly person to watch her abilities to take care of herself and get around slip away, never to return, understands that elderly people can be depressed and b-----y very easily. Your mother knows the woman your grandmother was before she lost her more able years. People with diabetes can be in horrible, horrible, pain. Give your grandmother a pass. I'm pretty sure she's not too thrilled to be hopeless or to need other people to do things for her. If she did work three jobs that probably tells you she's not someone who is too happy to be so helpless now.

It is really important for kids to reserve judgment and blame in divorce because they don't always know what has gone on between their parents, how stressed out or panicked or angry or shocked or whatever else the parents are as a result of whatever has gone on. When a parent has been treated really poorly or else knows something awful about the other parent, he/she has to figure out what, if anything, to tell the children. Sometimes if that parent says nothing a child can go on and continue admiring her parent without ever knowing what bad thing that parent may have done. If, though, the parent decides to tell the child a little or what has gone on in order for the child to understand that the divorce is something there's little choice on; then what it amounts to is a parent "bad mouthing" the other parent, and everyone knows that's not good. Sometimes I think a parent may tell a child a little so that the child doesn't blame that parent for getting a divorce without trying to save the marriage, but even if a parent only tells a little what happens is the child still doesn't know the whole of it but then has also had holes punched in her admiration of that "faulted" parent. Parents don't know what they should do when it comes to how much to tell the children. If they don't tell them anything at all the kids are left to form opinions and judgments that are probably wrong in one way or another.

There is one point about something about teenage brains and the brains of people in their early twenties: A PBS special showed how a certain part of a young person's brain isn't quite developed completely until the twenties. It is the part of the brain that helps a person understand the emotions and intent of what other people say or do or express. A young person can think a certain facial expression is angry when its really sad. Something a parent says can seem as if she means one thing when, really, she meant something else or said it for a different reason. Bear that in mind, as well. There is a chance that you and your sister aren't quite interpreting some of what is done and said entirely correctly.

When the case gets to court the judge will throw out stuff that isn't relevent. There's the chance the judge may order a guardian ad litem (an attorney or a social worker or both, or in some courts it can be anyone the court decides on). The role of this person would be to make sure that your interests and your sister's are given the appropriate attention. A judge could suggest counseling for any or all of you as well. If that doesn't happen, it may not be a bad idea for you to ask your father or mother if you could go see a counselor who will help put all this in perspective for you.

It strikes me as a little odd that your father hasn't moved out of the house, but I know sometimes money is an issue. Men who don't move out of the house, though, are often men who can come across like victims and sweety-pies when - really - they are so strong-willed and maybe even selfish and arrogant that they refuse to do what would be better for the kids environment and just go stay somewhere until the judge decides who gets to stay in the house and who has to leave. I'm not at all saying this is your father. I'm saying it could be, based on how most men operate during a divorce.

The court will help/make your mother and father straighten all this out, stop putting it on your sister (who, as you say, is under 18). Hang in there. This phase of it all is about to end soon. It is lousy that your parents have stayed in the same house, fighting, for all this time with you and your sister around.

Life is short. Try to let all past anger go and just remember that things get nasty and rotten when people are having such a rough time. Try not to write off all your relatives because of this. People aren't perfect. They do what they think is right at the time or what they have no other choice but to do or what anger or upset made them do. Be a little forgiving. You'll be glad you were.

Good luck. Don't forget, too, that soon you'll be building your own grown-up life on your own. Learn from what you've been through.

One more thing: If you've been fighting with your mother and giving each other a hard time she may have just gotten to the point where she felt she had to give up trying to be close. I seriously doubt she wants to "disown" you. She is probably very sad about the troubles between you and her. Try a cease fire. Just talk about pleasant stuff. See what happens.

Answer 2

My parents went through a really rough time when I was like six or seven. Alcohol was what really caused the fights, but their substance was very similar to some of what you mentioned above.
As for the divorce itself, your father will probably not come out of it very well. Unless your mom actually has a mental disorder that would make it dangerous for your sister to stay with her, she will get custody and your father will have to pay child support.
Your sister may still get older and look back and realize that she was fed a bunch of lies about your father. When that happens don't be too hard on her, the three of you could still have a good relationship in the future.
I don't think you have to worry about any criminal charges sticking to your Dad if it goes that far, the burden of proof should prevent it.
Who knows, you may be able to have a relationship with your mother someday too. If not, just make sure that you get the support that you need.
Best of luck

Answer 3

My mom and dad got a divorce when I was five. All I can tell you is you will miss them when there gone. I know you have been through so much and feel the way you do but you should try to stay out of it and give your dad moral support and try to make up with your mom. It took many years for me to come to a different way of thinking but I have learned that there is always three stories, that which you think it is, that which they think it is, and then that which it really is. The best advice that I can give you is maybe you might consider going to a a family councilor and talk about it with him or her. I hope this helps.

Answer 4

I know it's hard but try and stay out of your parents divorce. There are surely a ton of things you don't and shouldn't know. Try and respect both. Remember both of their hearts are torn to shreds right now and most of the things that are happening are all about expressing the anger and hurt they are both feeling right now. If you love either of them, try and encourage and soothe both of them. They DO love each other or there wouldn't be all the fireworks. They really need your help and support right now. There are more than enough critics in the house already. Try to be kind and not take sides. One force or issue destroying the family is enough. Too much hate already. Love them both as you will probably soon be loosing one of them and you will later be surprised how time will heal your heart and change your opinions down the road. If I could I could pass one thing on to you it would be to advise you to throw all the love and non-judgemental understanding you can at the issue as both of your parents are hurting beyond your belief. THEY BOTH NEED YOU MORE THAN EVER BEFORE.

Answer 5

Honey you need to speak to a divorce lawyer. Obviously this man is messing with your head and the trust has been broken over and over and leaving you stranded with no car or kids is a dealbreaker for me. If you have trouble paying for a lawyer set up an appointment with legal aide. They can give you a sliding scale. Tell them what you told us. Or you can borrow money from your family to pay for a lawyer and then you can pay them back. My mom helped pay for my divorce lawyer I also went through a nasty divorce. My ex husband cheated on me threatened me. In the end, the ex had to move back to his country (Europe) because he has no papers to stay in the United States. He procrastinated doing his immigration paperwork and now our son lives with me. Not sure if I want to get married again anymore and go through this same headache. Relationships and marriages have no guarantees in life.

Answer 6

I would advice you and your father to move out. That is probably the only way the fighting will ease. You must however try and mend things with your mom. I realise it is not going to be easy.

Remember you only have one set of parents. You have to do your best to mend things.That way you will keep your side clear and not live with a guilty consience and for the rest of your life be haunted with the question whether you could not have mended matters. At least try.

Good luck and God bless

Answer 7

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Answer 8

talk to them. ask if they really want a divorce. in case they do tell them go and get a divorce but please don't let this one ruin each others life.

meaning, after this separation each one can still move on and find a better life than what they had together.

Answer 9

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