Read my other questions for back-story so you can really understand what I mean when I say that I really like (love if you feel the term is appropriate) this one guy I was dating. I have been trying to get an opportunity to just come right out and confess my feelings, since I wanted to take the relationship from the awkward "more than just dating but nothing official" stage to something more. So, frustrated that chance kept on messing up my opportunities to tell him in person, I sent him an email. He responded saying that he'd like to finish the conversation in person (I thought that might be good since school and work keep us apart fairly often and face-to-face time is at a premium.) But, he blind-sides me with this "I just want to be friends" speech, even saying he wasn't looking for a girlfriend. What?! Our relationship was clearly not a purely platonic "just friends" relationship before, so what's going on?
2006-09-05 18:51:47 · 7 answers · asked by V 3 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
I really, really tried not to make that mistake so many women do and come on too strong with the whole commitment thing. But jeez, I'm going to his church, I'm friends with his friends, and we've met each other's parents, but suddenly he picked *then* to act as if we were getting too involved? And if he just wanted to be friends with me the whole time, why'd he go and do all sorts of things to lead me to believe that there was something more going on? This is so frustrating! After a year of liking him, he suddenly goes and drops me like last week's sermon, leaving me incredibly confused and attempting to put my heart back together while I try to figure out where this change came from. He gave me this line that women are either "enemies, friends, fiancees, or wives", and I'm thinking 'no way!' There has to be an intermediate stage between friends and fiancees, so why is he suddenly playing this 'chaste beyond reason' game? Is he just plain against commitment or what?
2006-09-05 19:00:03 · update #1
No, we have not slept together, nor with anyone else. We both are upholding that virgin-til-marriage thing (old fashioned yes, but that's just how we're doing things.) And I didn't meet him at a bar, I met him in one of my college classes. He has a great work ethic, strong morals, doesn't seem to have any immaturity issues... but then I'm hit with this. I guess I'm so upset because I wouldn't have expected something like that to ever come from him. It just goes against his personality to push things aside like that. Have a finally discovered a previously-hidden facet of his personality, or could this be something else at work?
2006-09-05 19:07:57 · update #2
How did you meet this guy? If it was the typical bar/club setup, why would you be be surprised if it turned out he wanted nothing but sex? (I'm making the large assumption you two have slept together, which may not be the case.)
I don't have enough information about the relationship and the circumstances surrounding it to offer an opinion that would be worth much. Could you give us some more information about how (and where) you met, as well as how serious the relationship has gotten?
EDIT: There really is no way to know. There are numerous reasons from his end that he could be acting this way. I would guess he just doesn't want a commitment, but I could be wrong.
The bottom line here is: you did nothing wrong, as far as I can tell on what little info you've given us. It's not much comfort, I know, but there's nothing else you could or should have done differently, so don't beat yourself up.
And anyway, based on what he said, you don't want to be involved with a guy who thinks that way. Friends and fiancees are separate? YIKES.
EDIT 2: Again, I don't think there's any way I can provide much insight into this guy's head without knowing him, but I don't think you made any mistakes. He might have commitment issues, he might have someone else in mind, he might just not feel that strongly about you, and hell, he might actually be intimidated.
Whatever the reason, the ball is out of your court. If he comes around eventually, fine. If he doesn't, find someone who will appreciate you. Whatever you do, don't waste time chasing after him after he's given you a solid no.
And the "enemies, friends, fiancees and wives" thing still freaks me out.
2006-09-05 19:03:10 · answer #1 · answered by night_trekker 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
" I just want to be friends". I think it was obvious that he has no plan of any further or deeper relationship with you. More often, boys mean what they say esp. when it affects a girls' emotion. When a boy says No it means no, when he says YES it means yes. Its more opposite that a girl usually say YES or NO but both may mean yes or both may mean no.
And the fact that you were both friends may show that he was telling you the truth, and he wont play with your feeling. He just told you what exactly hes views about it. So, pls just wait and see what will happen next, dont appear somehow desperate about it. If a boy loves you, he himself will do the way to show you whatever he feels for you.
Dont worry, you have told him what you feel. Dont push yourself to him. I know, there's someone else who's worth your love. Leave this boy for a moment and if you guys were still friends to each other then keep that friendship and dont expect much. If its really destined for you to have such love from him in return, time will come for that. If he care and value you..he will chase you...:-)
2006-09-06 01:58:05 · answer #2 · answered by SassyGurl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He probably wasn't ready for anything as serious as the word "love" implies.
You must take into account that, if he didn't love you in return, it would have been an even more awkward situation than in the first place. He probably saved you both from a bit of anguish, if that were the case.
2006-09-06 02:03:24 · answer #3 · answered by RED MIST! 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just be friends, if someone else comes along and takes you on a date he might relise he has lost you.
you should say your feelings in person alone, for he will ask his mates instead of his true feelings, (could be wrong though)
2006-09-06 02:02:45 · answer #4 · answered by parra nipples belt 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He TOLD YOU that to him, girls/women are
"enemies, friends, fiancees, or wives."
That is how he sees the world.
It is a narrow view, but it is HIS view.
it is just my pinion, but i think you could waste a LIFETIME trying to re-educate him. Life is too short.
2006-09-06 02:17:28 · answer #5 · answered by nickipettis 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He just wanted to get laid without any strings....he's a guy!!!! And we guys are all pigs....no lies...we are!!!
Find someone else.
Good Luck!
KaptainK
allthatshopping
2006-09-06 02:00:14 · answer #6 · answered by KaptainKahn 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes
2006-09-06 01:59:37 · answer #7 · answered by rab 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋