my wife spends 4 hrs every evening on the internet and extra at weekends.I am lonely.Do I put up with this?

Question

been doing it for 4 years.addicted to card games and puzzles.when she first started in 2002 she was visiting chat rooms and telling lies about her age.Then she got serious with a fellow from belgium.I only found out by chance.We went on holiday that year to holland.Unknown to me she was receiving secret calls on her mobile.When the muck eventually hit the fan she wanted to go off and meet this man.She said that she had feelings for him.I was livid and told her that if she did her suitcase would be waiting outside on her return. In the end she did not go but made my life hell for a while.I did not want her to carry on with the internet but she made it quite clear that she would stop all the nonsense.Of course I was not happy but did not want any further blazing rows.We have been married 29 years, but the last 4 years I feel as if I have been in solitary confinement.She works full time as a schoolteacher but during her holidays she just spends more time on it.

Answer 1

hi hun,your not on your own there,my hubby works night,get home at 4.30am,goes straight on poker,goes to bed at 6.30am,get up at 3pm,goes straight on poker when he gets up,has his tea then goes to work,
when he's of for the 3 nights he's on it constantly,till 3,4 or 5am,
im the poker widow,i know exactly how you feel...
as far as your wife having personal calls of various men i'd be p*ssed of as well,ask her what she wants out of the marriage,my oppion is she's a selfish so & so,29yrs is a long time why put everything at risk

Answer 2

Have you considered trying to share the experience with her? Perhaps you can play games together, or both get on a service like Second Life and roleplay together. Make the computer something you share rather than something that draws you apart.

Don't worry about the other guy--he was just a fantasy anyway. Online people have all their teeth, never have morning breath, and are as good as imagination can make them. Online chemistry is a far cry from real life. Try to be a bit creative in your approaches to her to help get both of you out of the rut you're in.

I am sorry that you're lonely. Remember the computer is also filling a gap in her life too. The essence of a good marriage, it seems to me, is that both people have to learn to change and keep on adapting. If you both make concessions, I am sure you can work it out, though you might need the assistance of a therapist. Good luck.

This article talks about dating your wife all over again as if she were a stranger:
http://www.gnmagazine.org/issues/gn10/romancemarriage.htm

Maybe you and she can look at something like this together and put together your own 10 commandments of marriage. Maybe take her out on a date to the local coffeeshop (or tea shoppe). Bring a pad and a couple of pens, and you can sit down and write your own ten commandments of marriage, and talk about them. The trick to any relationship is keeping the lines of communication open. The point of this is not really the ten commandments...it is to find out what you each want from marriage. You need to try to fulfill what each other needs.
Here's a sample 10 commandments of marriage:
http://lifestyle.msn.com/Relationships/CouplesandMarriage/ArticleIV2.aspx?cp-documentid=826327

Answer 3

something is missing in her life. I spend a lot of time online because there is a huge gap that I could fill with hobbies and friends... The internet is just so much more appealing. Things have to change - speak to her about it when she is not on the computer and gently but firmly tell her how you feel. If she doesn't stop or agree with you, go for marriage counselling. If that doesn't work, you may be happier without her.

Answer 4

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Answer 5

Most people are obsessive compulsive about something. The Internet can be as addictive as alcohol or drugs. I would suggest some couples counseling, but when you suggest it, she may not feel she has a problem. In that case, you may want to seek assistance from a therapist in how to handle the situation. It would of course be healthy if the two of you could discover something to do together. Best wishes

Answer 6

i am not a pro by any means. I have friend and have been in relationships. she has been with you a lot of years. There is a pattern to your everyday life. I am sure if you and her change things up abit it will work. Your concern over the games are legit. I too love pogo something awful.lol The person she was chatting with is of suspence,something of a mysrty to her. These things cause inner feelings to come out. she has not been found to have cheated? I hope not. I would just try to change up on the regular schedule. go to the movies,invite friends over,make a wild cgame of cards interesting. I do hope things work out for you. With HIVand AIDS I don't play.

Answer 7

Really, thats a serious problem and i support the idea of marriage counselling
As for Internet, i know an old couple and the wife participates in chats and forums quite often, but she did not hide it from her husband, the opposite, she let him participate with her... Try this way...
This Belgian affair is really not wise at all.
29 years marriage are a lot of time, but you should rethink your realtionship..
And one more thing... teachers a under much stress and with the time on... this reflects their mentality... (I dont say they go nuts, just rpblems arise!). She is probably looking for changing environment, for adventures... teaching could be really destroying!

Answer 8

Sit her down and tell her you have something serious to talk to her. Tell her to stop being on the internet for so many hours or you will have to divorce her because you feel neglected by her. It's her duty as a wife to pay attention to her husband, be physically around and for her husband and not get addicted to chats and games on-line. She is physically at home, but spiritually and mentally she is in another place and not with you. It is neglect and cheating. Let her realise how serious it is.

Answer 9

have u ever thought of doing to her what she is doing to u ?
have u a computer at home that u can get on before she gets on ?if so do it get online and make it really obvious and when she says she wants to hop on tell her ur busy chatting with a friend do this for a while if she complains about it and tells u your cheatting tell her ur not but why is it ok for her to do it but not u .
at the same time show her u still love her go out more often,give her flower go to a movie .most women only do it for attention or because they are not getting what they want from the relationship they are in.
i too go on the net for 5 hours in the day we have been only married for 7 years but my husband plays games in the loungeroon while iam on it so he knows iam not up to no good.
plus i wouldent do it to him.
she knows how u feel dont let her get away with it .i know u dont want to cause a fight but u dont want to wate ur time with someoone who dont care for u .
let her know that it has been 29 years do u want to wait another 10 years to find out she is leaving u for someone else ?
give her an ultimatum say to her we are having some rules we are having the computer on for som many hours a day weekends are not allowed as it s couple time and take her places like a picnic .do it often eventually she will see ur much more fun than a computer if she dont tell her to give u enought credit and not waist ur time u dont want to end up single when ur to old to date while she is being a ****.
sometimes the truth hurts but most of the time the truth must come out.

Answer 10

Well, it sounds as if you have made your wishes known to her, so the next step would be to seek out counseling.
If she resists, tell her you are considering divorce if she doesn't go. This is too long a marriage to just throw out without putting in some serious effort to save it. It sounds as if she may be bored and looking for entertainment or attention.
Good luck and best wishes

Answer 11

Oh, I hate to think of a person like this being a teacher and working with children. You've been married 29 yrs. and you haven't had a clue to what she was like before this? Do you have kids? I think you might as well divorce. You're alone now anyway. Why not look for someone else who will share your life with you.