How do I get over my husband who walked out on me and our children, and how could a man do such a thing?

Question

My husband walked out on me and our two young children. His mom and sister accused me of doing something that I absolutly did not do. They use me as their scapegoat and door mat. They gave him an ultimatium,either he leaves me or they don't have nothing to do with him. I understand if he loved me he would stand up for me, and would have not left. He would have called his children, or seen them if he really cared about them. Yet, he left them to the dust too. His actions have proved to me that he never loved us, not even after six years of being with one another. Why is it that his controlling mother and sister are more important then his family with his wife and children? How can I get over this? I am in process of divorce, but love him and miss him deaply.

Answer 1

First, you have to realize that his mom or sister...in fact, no one in this world....could have that kind of control over him, if he didn't want it. I would say he used them as an excuse. He was a coward for leaving you and the children, and saying he has to leave because of some bogus ultimatum from mommy just epitomizes that cowardice. He can't even take responsibility for himself, much less a loving wife and children.....

Of course, trying to hate him in order to get over your love for him isn't the answer either. I'm sorry you and your children are hurting so much....I wish there was an easy way to face the adjustments which surely lie ahead for you.

First, don't bad-mouth him to his children or his family. It might feel good at first, but it's only going to feed resentment and bitterness inside you and inside your children...and that stuff's like cancer!

Second, don't try to justify yourself or prove yourself innocent of what they're accusing you of....don't do that with ANYONE. Why should you try to convince them of your innocence, when their minds and their course of action is already made up? Your feelings or welfare didn't matter to them...don't let their opinion be of any concern to you.

Third, don't blame yourself for "failing" in this situation. He and his family failed you all miserably....but then, if this is what they're made of, then perhaps walking out your door without looking back was the kindest thing he could have done for you. I doubt you want to go through life living a lie, and being with someone who has so little regard for you, the children, or their most basic responsibilities is a horrible lie...and would eventually open you up to even more hurt than you've recently experienced.

Finally, move on. I'm not talking romantic involvement...I'm talking involvment, period. If you and the children aren't in church, find a good, Word-based church and GO. You'll be surprised at the network of friends and support you can build in a short amount of time. Many people end up in church because they are broken-hearted and have suffered losses such as yours. Where better to be understood and having shining examples that life can go on...and it can even get far, far better, than where you are right now.

Get involved in other activities too. Join an exercise or yoga class; take an art course or a class on journalism. Go back to school or join a support group or volunteer at your local hospital or crisis center...even if it's only one night a week. Do ANYTHING that interests you or makes you feel better that gets you out of the house, involved in your own thing, and propels you into a new circle of friends/activities/life.

Get the children involved too. Make sure they know that Dad's behavior has nothing to do with them or failure on their part...it's a problem within him. Show them by example how to forgive, how to move forward, and how to love yourself apart from the opinions of others. You have a wonderful opportunity to teach them some life lessons they will never forget. Since divorce or death are such inevitable parts of married life, teaching them how to move forward when they feel all alone or like dying is one of the greatest gifts you can pass on.

With the holidays coming up, start your own traditions. If you always had holidays and cooked dinner at your house, rent a cabin or make arrangements to go elsewhere for the holidays.

If you always had a green tree with the same family decorations every year you were married, get a frosted white tree with a color ball instead and add all new decorations for you and the children...to celebrate your new life together.

The main point is this: When you don't feel like breathing, get up, move one foot in front of the other, take special care of yourself (don't let yourself go - keep your hair styled and colored, get a manicure, a massage, start walking, get a makeover), and GET YOURSELF OUT THERE! Not with the purpose of trying to get another man to stop the hurting from this one...but with the purpose of loving yourself enough to be strong and set the course of your own life.

I hope this helps or inspires some other ideas that will help you. I care.....

Answer 2

No true man could ever leave the family that he made. If he listened to his mother and sister over u then he just can not think for himself. I believe that it will be a hard issue to overcome, but u can do it. U have two beautiful children that u have to live for. Don't let them see u down and depressed, it is his lost not yours. He will have to answer the childrens questions later on when they ask him why did he leave. I do know this feeling because my father left my mother and got with a lady that had six kids and he adopted all of them. I am 25 he left when I was 2, so I know how the children feel. I thank god everyday for the strong woman he gave me for a mother. Stand tall believe me ur kids will be more proud of u than anyone else.

Answer 3

You need to move one. Go out, join a single group. Meet some friends. A man can do that us women. they are sometimes do not know what to do to themselves. They are confused little boy where mama has to take care of everything.

It is time for you to start your own life. You can forget about love now at least it happens when you are still young. Can you imagine if this happens when you are on your 60's that would be really hard.

If you are in a process of a divorce makes sure you take care of yourself financially. Open up a checking account in your name so at least you can start your own credit line. It will hurt for a while right now your emotions is taking over you but you know you will get over it. You have to be strong for your two young children. Their is life after a divorce. Goodluck and God bless.

Answer 4

I'm sorry that your going through this pain. I think your husband actions are just awful and he needs to grows some b---s. You need some kind of mental support have you try counseling? It will take some time to get over the hurt and I feel sorry for your children too. What a mess. For some silly reason of course you still love the jerk, but your better off without him if he has always treated you this way? Trust me I know.

Answer 5

Wow, I can sure understand your hurt, this is really a big bummer. This must be really hard for you, having a hard time is normal going thru something like this. How do you get over it? Day by day. One day at a time. Just love your kids, work, and take it slow, it will get better, but it will take some time. Missing him is normal, you've spent 6 years with him. Think about what is it that you love about him after he did this to you? What do you love?

Answer 6

If a man or if that is what you can call him chooses his Mother over his wife then I would figure you are better off without him. He is tied at Mothers apron strings and will listen to her no matter what. Give your love to someone who actually deservers it. I know right now that is hard but some day you will look back and see the favor she actually did for you

Answer 7

you are in a very tough situation. He has more problems than you realize. It may be because he does love you and the children and thought it would be better for you if he just left rather than hurting you more than he already has. Is there anyway you can contact him. And talk to him alone. He needs to know how you feel and that you love him so very much

Answer 8

Please go into counseling and start doing other activities. Get a babysitter and just spend some quality time alone every few days or once a week. Do Not go Back! Do not listen to his family members right now. You need to heal. Good Luck.

P.S. Don't listen to sad music for awhile and I mean for a long time. Time heals a broken heart.

Answer 9

separating and divorcing are never easy, no matter who's at fault, or how it ends. you have my empathy here. get some counseling if you haven't already, it will really help. and get a lawyer as well, you need to get a support judgement against him through the courts. good luck, honey!!

Answer 10

Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to tell you other than just take it one day at a time. I wish you all the best.