Should I Come Out?

Question

I have been in the closet for a long time now. I am 19, experienced a gay sexual life but nothing more. I kind of want to be out, but on the other hand it scares me. I am from a small right wing town, and I was a "popular kid" during high school, and I am in college as well. I am afraid what people will say because I will take it so personally. And I know many will say: the people that judge you for being gay are really not your friends anyway. But they are! Some of the people in my life are just to stupid to realize that a man can be gay and still be a whole human being. I need some advice, thanks for taking you time.

Answer 1

OK, if people cant accept you for you you are then they are not your friends indeed....sorry, I know how it sounds but it is the way it is. But dont let this get you down, sometimes you can never guess how people might react. My friends were quite homophobic with their comments but when I came out they were fine. People say many things about others but they dont mean it most of the times. If they suddenly stop talking to you, then they really are not worth to be your friends.
Now, if you do decide to come out, consider things like parents paying for your college etc. If it is going to put your education in jeopardy then wait a bit longer. You are 19, I didnt come out until I was 20..Many people take even longer.
But the most important thing is the following: When you come out make sure you are confident..I made the mistake of coming out scared, almost like apologising for who I was and with a "thank you for not hating me" attitude...as long as you are not 100% ok with it, dont expect others to be ok with it either. You have to have the "I am here and im queer" attitude otherwise you will be the gay guy everyone can look at and ask stupid things as if you were a circus.
Some people cant undertsand it, and even if they are ok but dont accept you, you will have to let go, otherwise you will end up stressing yourself to make others feel good for you because they think that their way of life is the best or the right one. How can you say that they are! your friends when they dont even know a very important part of you. What if you meet a guy and fall in love? living a double life is not really pleasant. Or possible.
I know how you feel, I used to feel the same thing, my friends are my friends and they like me...but they didnt like the real me.,..just a part of me...and if they cant accept me for who I am then please define friendship?
Do what is in your heart and I wish you all the best in life :)

Answer 2

It is true that the friends you have should stick with you no matter what; it's also true that some will not be able to accept that you are gay and they STILL will be your friends - life is very complicated. I guess you also have to ask yourself where you see yourself living - in a metropolitan centre or in your small right wing town. Personally, I would first of all decide - with the help of a counsellor/psychiatrist or whoever can best help - whether I am ready to come out.

Then I would tell my family; then my friends. And iti would be best if you told your most liberal family members and friends first, because they are going to be more supportive.

In any event, your friends will come to understand that they like all of you, not just those aspects that they think are "manly" you.

Answer 3

Well this is a very difficult subject... luckily for me I had it easy the first time(I told my mom and she was ok cause I had a gay uncle, so she understood.) But she has passed away so once again I'm back in the closet. I think its more of an 'am i ready for this' kinda thing. Its a big burden to carry by yourself, but its an even bigger one when you say it to the wrong people or at the wrong time and then your all alone... My suggestion is, if you can, find a support group either near by, or online. Ask people about their coming out stories, and how they were successful at it, or ask them (if they had a bad comming out) how would they have changed it if they could. Well I hope this helps... Many blessings, and later dayz

Steph

Answer 4

You are human, fear is an instinct, and it has served humanity well for thousands of years. If what you say is true about your town, you are smart being scared. If you can, try to transfer to a bigger college, or if your college has an LGBT group, go hang out with them for the support you'll need. It's much easier to be bold with a group around you, or in a different place where nobody really knows you. At any rate, it is important to live your life true to who you are. Sometimes doing that will require great sacrifices, such as losing friends, or just an inconvenience, such as moving. I guess what I'm trying to say, is to put yourself in a situation where you have support before you do it.

Answer 5

Know for one thing you'll always have support from me. If you think now is the right time to come out than totally go for it. Just know that it won't be easy and it will bring about alot of changes in your life. I'm 18 now and I've been out since I was 7 and loved every minute of it. You may lose some close friend in the process but you'll also gain plenty more with this new chapter of your life. GOOD LUCK & LOT'S OF LOVE!

Answer 6

You are the only person who can answer this. No one should EVER be forced to come out. Anyone who tells you different is simply being selfish. All I can tell you from my experience was that I told myself I was tired of lying to the people I loved...I couldn't be myself and at that time in my life, I was strong and proud enough that I didn't care if I made people angry, etc, etc...I had to live my life for myself, life is too short for me not to. Long story short, nothing really changed after I came out (except the jokes from my buddies), my family loves and supports me (raised in a large, small town, Catholic family) and I'm living life to the fullest. That's my experience, you need to decide what's best for you.

Answer 7

Hey bud, i'm 19 too and I was in your situation not to long ago, except I didn't get the option of telling people myself. If you want to be out...then be out. Nothing should stop you from being who you feel like you are. It will be hard at first, there's no doubt about that, but it gets a lot easier. Don't be afraid of what people say because people will say it out of their own insecurities and ignorance. When i was outed it actually brought me a lot closer to a lot of people, especially to my family, which is the exact opposite of what i had expected. So take a deep breath...close your eyes...and dive in. Nothing worth fighting for is easy...

Answer 8

I agree that it'll be difficult, but you shouldn't have to hide who you are just to make them comfortable. They may be your friends, but the truth is, it may be very difficult for them to make the transition from thinking of you as a heterosexual to being gay. You're right, just because you or anyone else is gay does not make them any less human. I'm guess that if you just assure them that you're not going to be checking them out (which was a big issue with a few female friends of mine when I came out) and that you're really not any different that you had been before you told them, they'll be okay with it. Good luck!

OH!!! And a lot of the time, people know it before you're ready to admit it. I know five people who didn't admit to being gay/lesbian and thought it would surprise me when they finally came out.

Answer 9

First find out who you really are. You are only 19yrs old and all you have experienced is gay sexual life. Suppose you make it to 30yrs old and decide that you may not be as gay as you thought? But yet you have come out to the public. Live a little!

Answer 10

First off, once you come "out" YOU NEVER EVER STOP COMING OUT. EVER. You will always be, "oh, let me introduce you to my friend "Mike" he's gay" for the rest of your life, not that this is a bad thing, its just that its not "who you are" all the time. Your Mike and you just HAPPEN to be GAY. But from now on you are "Gay Mike" and while its WONDERFUL to be out (trust me, it is) and I come from a town of 3,000 in NW Arkansas and never got one bad reaction, I'M LUCKY and I KNOW IT. I have not always been so lucky in larger cities, but I learned how to take precautions when I visit them so that I'm safe.

Just be yourself. Everyone KNOWS YOU ALREADY, if they cast you off because of who you LOVE (not have sex with, but LOVE) then its not that they weren't your friends, its that you don't need "small minded friends." And who knows, you could end up changing a few minds and hearts once they know. I know alot of people came to me with, "wow, your the last person," but that's just it, we are everybody and for them to assume is just as prejudical as we are when we see a Flamer and go "oh no" when we should be thinking "you go girl!"