Is this a good start to a story?

Question

http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=2236648
This is a story i wrote.
The chapter flipper is the arrows pointing right nest to the word prolouge. I am going to add details in a few days and want to know your honest opinion. Please keep in mind that i am 13 and it will not be a masterpiece : )

There are five chapters please try and read them all!

well you dont have to read them all just read as far into the story as you can.

Answer 1

It's a good start for you. I suggest going back through it and catch the punctuation errors (U.S. vs US, as one example) and the explanation of what a mega-second is in parenthesis. Don't cut down the reader; simply explain what it is.

Some words and titles ought to be capitalized, such as World War Three. The punctuation used in dialogue is good, however--no errors noticed.

Otherwise, I like the beginning and it offers much. Please keep at it and continually edit it along its way.

Added note: Obsessive, I failed to mention that your story often shifts from present tense, to past tense, and back again too frequently. Learn how to ascertain their differences and stick to one grammatical tense.

Answer 2

First of all, congrats on the writing. More people need to write I think, its a great way to vent, stress relief, further others knowledge, show your creative to others, and allow yourself and others go into the imaginative. I love to write but I don't do it as much as I used to due to medical school. Right now I stick to poetry and journals/blogs. I write my soul out its like a disease.
Your story is great, not hard to read or follow at all! Very good. The first paragraph is a really good start, but I honestly think there is not much of a transition from beginning to the middle. Good luck with it, never give up writeing if you think its the thing that you were made to do :). Don't give it up for sex or girls or because other people don't understand, no one understands my uniqueness either but that never discourages me, it just gives me a good reason to keep on writing. Who knows, you may just make it big one day!.

Answer 3

Okay, I did read some of it and it is good! I'm thirteen and I wanna write like that. But

Instead of writing: “Ohhh... my stomach... that Pepsi was bad...”

Write: “Ohhh... my stomach... that Pepsi was bad...” he said gloomily.


You have to paint the picture in the readers head, that is your goal. You give the reader words and they paint a picture. Remember to describe things deeply, use metaphors. Don't just say "I felt happy that summer morning." Say "I felt as if the sun kissed my cheek that summer morning." Be creative and have fun.

Good Luck!

Answer 4

Are you sure you are only 13? lol that was really good.

Answer 5

eeeh, it's not a bad start.