if your mother was abusive throughout your childhood, and now wants to be forgiven, "wasn't her fault"...?

Question

i am so angry at the amount of damage + distress i have suffered because of the bullying, neglect, aggression my mother subjected me to as a child. i am grown up now but still in pain. i am anxious, lonely, no self-esteem etc etc. she says that it was not entirley her fault because my father abused her and she was depressed. i gotta understand that and move on. i dont feel i am ready to let her "get away with" what she did to me. am i being unreasonable?
she said she is sorry and has cried over it. i have had counselling etc, helped a bit

Answer 1

Try to forgive her if you can, not only will that allow her to move on, but it will help you heal too. I know it's difficult, but it will be the best for both of you if you try your best to forgive her, no matter how long it takes.

Answer 2

No, you are not unreasonable! We all have choices to make without blaming our behavior on someone else, as your mom blamed your dad. If anything, she should have wanted to protect you from what she was allegedly going through, rather than treating you the same way. Emotional abuse is hard to shake loose! It's good that you had some counseling which helped. Time will help with the other part.
Forgiveness will help you to shed the burden of resentment toward her, especially if she truly repents and asked for your forgiveness. She should be forgiven after she admits that she was at fault, rather than "passing the buck". It won't change the past, but it can help you to move on emotionally, to become a better person and parent, when or if you have children. If she just continues to say that she was not totally to blame, and leaves it at that, she is in denial and will probably not change, other than by "Divine intervention". She would not be positive grandmother material. Time and distance do help in the healing process.

Answer 3

thats a hard question cos i know how you feel .there were times when i were younger that i never got along with my mother ,and still to this day i find it difficult .there is no need for your mother to have taken any of the abuse that she suffered from your father out on you .
people do not r ealise how things like that have an effect on children .andalso on the rest of there lives .my mother was very much the same and i knew that i had to get on with life she blamed it all on how she was brought up but you cant go blaming other people all through life that will never make you feel any better .
life has to be lived because we are only here for a short time .dont worry bout the past you cant change anything , look toward the future they know deep in their hearts that what they did was wrong dont let it ruin your life .

Answer 4

It sounds like you need some help getting over what happened to you as a child. If the counselling helped, stick with it. Sometimes it takes awhile to get deep enough, but you need to unpack that baggage.

As for your mother, saying "it wasn't my fault" is not asking for forgiveness. Saying "I'm so sorry" with no strings attatched is. Don't feel like you have to rush into a reconciliation simply because she is ready.

As you move through your own issues, you will let go of the anger you have toward her. Only then can a positive relationship between you develop.

Answer 5

I'm sorry to hear about your sad childhood, you missed out on being a kid, that's for sure, and it is your parents fault. What happened to your mother is NO excuse for her excuse (lame), she could and should have done ANYTHING for you, since she didn't, and found someone or something to blame it on, your Mother will never take blame for HER mistakes.
SO you have two choices if you want a relationship with her, #1 is find it within yourself to forgive her and NEVER bring the past up again, because there would be no sense in that, cause in her eyes it's NOT her fault. #2 is get her to counselling, if the Doc can't help, fire him and get a new one, or tell your mom EXACTLY what you want from her, so you can START a new life.
DON"T let her hold you back anymore, you GO GIRL !!!( I hope your female) I wish you LUCK and HAPPINESS in your endeavors.

Answer 6

You cant choose your family, but you can choose to stay away if thats what you want.

My husband had a mother like yours, she was an alcohlic as well, he simply cannot forgive her, and hasnt spoken to her in years.

If you dont feel ready, then tell her that. Tell you you are not ready to forgive her and that you may never be, thats its up to you if you want to contact her.

Dont feel you aught to just because she is your mum, if she was unrelated im sure you wouldnt bother, it is obviously more difficult being related, but dont feel pressured into something you arent ready for.

Maybe some more counselling would help, or any groups for victims of abuse would help maybe.

All the best.

xxxxx

Answer 7

I'm talking from personal experience; my mom put me through a lot. When your mother said she was sorry, did you feel that she really was? This is important (I'm still waiting, btw) because it helps you to actually - and most importantly - emotionally realize that she's sorry she treated you badly, and that you did not deserve it. Your mother can't make that mentality-shift happen for you. Therapy, I suppose, can help, but the main workload in this matter is on your shoulders. You should acknowledge yourself as a beautiful, (obviously) intelligent and special person, that deserves to be treated with respect. Find things you like about yourself, anything you like. And don't ever forget it. In time, you'll get over it and you'll find that it's an unbelievable easy way to be.

Answer 8

Just because your father abused her didnt give her the right to do it to you. I think that you will not be able to totally forgive your mother until she admits that it wa her fault. She can't ask forgiveness from something that she can't take full blame for. She should have not continued the line of abuse. So I feel that until she can say to you that it was her fault I would not accept her apology. Thats what I would do in your situation. You can't go around blaming other people for things that she did. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Answer 9

Understand her? Yes, perhaps. Forgive? Don't know. But NEVER let what she did be OK and she needs to be held accountable for what she did.
No, you are most certainly not being unreasonable. You never "move on" from abuse and damage. In point of fact, she did not do her main job to protect her children and that's never OK. Abuse is a terrible thing that lasts and lasts. There is help--we have two nieces who are doing rather well.

Answer 10

It is Ok to feel angry and it is impossible to forgive instantly. You do need to forgive her but it starts with saying ( and believing) that you want to - even though you now feel it is impossible.
Your forgiveness will not make her feel better really BUT unless you do you have no chance of healing emotionally.

You have a choice; you either let her behaviour colour your whole life or you start taking little steps to leave it behind and find out who you are, what you want from life and how to live it without the pain.
Every journey starts with a first step. Yours must be the decision that you will forgive her. It wont make it true but it is a start.

Good luck.

Answer 11

Forgiveness is a really positive step in the right direction. What's been done is over with now. I know your suffering because of it but it must of took courage for her to ask for your forgiveness. You can forgive and not forget so easy but I think in forgiving her it would be the first part of your healing by getting that hatred out of your system. Then you will have room for good and positive things for yourself. I hope you both the best and can move on in your lives.